Giftedness and loneliness

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Thought I'd start a thread for those of us who are 2e (twice exceptional). Are there many of us about in this forum?

I only discovered my giftedness last year (because I hadn't really thought about what giftedness was until I met someone who enlightened me). I've always felt "different", then finally I found out why - autism. But even though I was lumped into this huge group of people with the same label, I still struggled to find like-minded people within this group. Then, I found the extra layer of why - giftedness. It makes sense now why I feel lonely even within the autistic community, because there aren't many who are also in my "range" of giftedness. I've only met 2 people who I feel were truly like-minded, and neither are in my life anymore. I can find friends to do activities with, but finding that deeper connection is near-impossible.

Do you experience loneliness due to your giftedness? That is, do you struggle to find people to communicate with who are on the same page, where it isn't "effort" just to have a conversation?

Maybe we won't find like-minded people in this thread, but perhaps just hearing from others who share this problem could be helpful. I'd like to hear your experiences, your solutions, anything you'd like to share.

Links if you're not familiar with giftedness:
What is giftedness?
High, Exceptional and Profound Giftedness

Interesting links. I liked the way that one of them didn't define giftedness narrowly in terms of IQ score in isolation.

I also liked the conceptualisation of gifted cognition, as distinct from other modes of cognitive ability:

Excerpt:
Average cognition reasons in a step-by-step fashion
that is, one step at a time.

Mild+ gifted cognition tends toward “skip thinking”
grouping steps together to be more efficient and quick.

High+ gifted cognition works in “meta-thinking”
finding simple patterns in complex information, perceiving relationships among various seemingly unrelated aspects, and detecting and creatively resolving logical discrepancies and practical problems in non-linear ways. In meta-thinking, one can think about one’s own thinking, one’s ways of learning, knowing, remembering and understanding, and can apply one’s thoughts to “big picture” or “non-linear” vision and insight.

...

I was considered gifted purely on the basis of IQ from late childhood, and even then that narrow conceptualisation bothered me. Much later on at university I spent a year developing different conceptions of psychometrics and examining the flaws in theory of the prominent tests. I discovered scientists like Leo Kamin who shared my sceptical view and had gone into it in great depth. This was very satisfying.

People who are not classified as "gifted" are often gifted in their own ways; for me it was mainly academic giftedness and that was inherited, I won the same academic prizes that my father and other relatives won, and I never felt I could take credit for inheriting that set of genes, though I could take credit for the work I did with them (to some extent).

I was lucky at school to have one good friend, who was my peer in every way, and so we sparked off each other a lot, so that our sum was greater than our parts. However at other times of my life, later on, the giftedness could be very isolating; it can be resented by relative strangers who judge you negatively solely on the basis of achievement.

At the end of the day it is what it is, a mixed blessing. The love of my life was extraordinarily gifted in narrow ways, and achieved a great deal, more than me, though he still felt compelled to prove himself by ever higher goals, so it became a contest with himself that he could never win. I was more easily contented with lesser achievement, because I had different values and priorities, and I don't like rat races, whether they are academic ratraces or any other kind. Doing what interested me was its own reward, not using my giftedness to one up on others.

It's a huge topic really, but is rarely seen in anything but a very narrow context.

I was lucky to be diagnosed as gifted in 4th grade, and placed in a program for the gifted and talented at my school. From there it was very easy to "find the others", as Timothy Leary would say. I was weird but never lonely.

You may need to move to somewhere you are more likely to find someone to connect with.

The obvious place would be a big wealthy city where there are lots of people.

You also find gifted people at wealthy tourist destinations.

Wealthy places are more likely to be able to support the gifted in a fashion they find acceptable.

What a strange association of giftedness with wealth! Most wealth is inherited wealth, not earned by intelligence. Luxury resorts cater to the hedonistic and stupid more so than the intelligent.

There are clubs (and support groups) for the intellectually gifted; the most famous of them is MENSA. That would be a better bet for finding similar people. https://www.mensa.org/

Look at it this way. Some of the obscene wealth finds it way to support the gifted, so they can do things just because some rich dude thinks its a neat idea.

But, in a poor community, so many resources are devoted to basic needs that there aren't any resources to allow the gifted to express their gifts in a useful fashion.

I'm happy to have discovered this thread. Some years ago in my meandering search for what is up with me I came across this article by James Webb.

Existential Depression in Gifted Individuals

and today when searching I found:

Dabrowski’s Theory and Existential Depression in Gifted Children and Adults

I can't say this is 'right-on' but to me is 'interesting' and maybe is a positive addition to this thread.

The second article suggests relationships with similar individuals. Something that may be quite unlikely for the twice gifted on the spectrum.

Interesting ideas!

I actually moved away from a wealthy, busy city, to improve my mental health. I feel just as lonely here in the country as I do in the city - there may be a lot more people around me in the city, but I still don't find many who are on the same page as me. At least out in the country I'm looking after my aspie needs more. (Plus, I'm not a fan of wealth!)

I'm actually one of those non-achieving gifted types. My brain works in the HEPG way, but it hasn't resulted in much success throughout my life. Probably mostly due to the autism, and never having been recognised as gifted (or autistic). I just had to stumble my way through the NT world, not knowing why I was weird and underachieving.

At this point I don't actually have much desire to "achieve" in the typical sense - I like a simple life, but with that I crave rich connection with other people (or just one person), which I'm not getting. I don't necessarily want to discuss quantum theory or critical geopolitics with someone, but I would like whatever discussion we have to not be effortful. To be able to understand each other when we speak, and explore ideas in a comfortable space. I know it's possible because I've had it before, but it just seems exceedingly rare!

Existential depression: I can see how this could be common in gifted people. I'm actually quite comfortable with the idea that life has no real meaning. Remembering that actually helps me to be braver - to try things without caring as much about what people think, or the consequences in general. I do get situational depression though (and depression related to the loneliness).

Oh don't get me wrong, neither me nor my friends have much money. I can't be ambitious, I burn out too easily. I just work in an office, a handful of my friends work in supermarkets or cafes and bars, and a few are self employed in menial jobs. The thing we have in common is that we're not ambitious, but we enjoy learning things and visiting interesting places. And this is an old cultured city with lots of Green spaces, not somewhere built up and brutal like London or Birmingham. We like trawling second hand shops and visiting bars with live music and going to art galleries or just hanging out at my house. Not doing expensive things. I don't even buy alcohol for guests at my house because I can't afford it. We play around the edges of what the rich people built and set up. And even then we're quite introverted and only meet up once or twice a month.

Living in a small town was worse for me. I was around people who had stayed in one place their whole lives and who never cared about anyone outside of their immediate family. I was weird and dangerous because I was too intelligent and too adventurous and had moved around the country from town to town too much. I change jobs on a whim when I get bored and my CV/resume is as long as your arm. People like what they know and i was not what they know.

Moving to the city I've met others who moved around a lot too and I'm not weird anymore. I'm like them. I just met someone who has been moving round different countries, just booking a hostel and finding work, renting an apartment and staying a year, then moving on.

I would almost certainly fit the "giftedness" criteria that you linked and all the usual ones that society gives, although I'm not sure that is always such a good thing. The definition says that part of it is seeing the world in a different way than others, and being able to see patterns and connections easily that others don't. That's definitely my specialty. I'm surprised you don't find many others here similar because I think ASD gives that unique vantage point that allows for special thinking others can't achieve. In other words, I definitely think that it is specifically because my intelligence is intimately intertwined with my Asperger's and ADHD that I am considered "gifted".

I absolutely agree with the articles that say that depression can be a chronic problem for those that are intelligent (I believe things like Alzheimer's are as well), it's the inherent trade off that intelligence comes with. For me, I often feel like I would trade my intelligence for happiness, but that's not possible. I actually don't have a problem talking with people who aren't "smart" though, I like to try to figure out how everyone thinks.

Intelligence is usually ostracized unless it's somehow the norm, even then it still can be if people get competitive.

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