I've been sexually assaulted multiple times & I'm learning

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It started Friday the 13th of April. A friend I had known for 4 years and had made cocktails and smoked joints with hundreds of times made a move when I went to lay on his chest because I was tired. Everything went so fast, I was trapped in my own head trying to figure out if I wanted it (because I'd never seen him in that light) and when I decided I didn't I just waited for it to be over.

That got the ball rolling and I looked up a lot (because I Google everything) about the definitions of sexual assault (it's any sexual actions done without your full consent and willingness) and I realised it was the fifth time it happened.

The first was by a masseuse. I had always thought I knew what I would do in the situation but my "no's" didn't work. Looking back, I believe it really broke my trust in that word.

The second was a guy from middle school who had a crush on me, I forgot he even existed. He pulled me into the bedroom and I just lay there.

The third was the boyfriend of a friend of mine. She lured me into their bed and promised she would stay between us, but left to fool around with someone else on the floor.

The fourth was an ex I met up with for old time's sake a week after breaking up with my 5 year boyfriend. It was late, I was in another city, he invited me to sleep over and I thought "well that's handy, there aren't many trains going now". It didn't even cross my mind he wanted to have sex, so when he initiated I just thought "well I guess it's the least I can do".

Since April the 13th it's happened another 4 times. Each time I find a new rule that I can apply.

No sex on the first date.

No first dates at my house, even though that's where I'm most comfortable.

No inviting first dates to my house after we've been hanging out outside.

No inviting friends of friends to stay longer after the friend goes home just because you're having a good time and think they're a friendly person.

No staying silent when someone says they want to kiss you and then just stare at you, just say no.

I'm learning to be assertive but it's taking a while. I spiralled into a depression that I only realise now was from what happened.

The hardest parts for me are being assertive and knowing another's intentions. So many times they go for it and I'm shocked, it never crossed my mind that they were thinking of something else than what we were doing. In my mind we were having a grand old time watching a series or cooking or drinking.

I've been looking up scientific studies on autism in females (I would recommend "The Experiences of Late-diagnosed Women with Autism Spectrum Conditions: An Investigation of the Female Autism Phenotype"). It happens surprisingly often, probably from a combination of trying to be normal, misunderstanding or being blind to intentions, trying to play a part and appease others (often according to gender role stereotypes and expectations) and/or a difficulty with being assertive.

Like I said, I'm learning. I'm trying to improve. I don't want this to be a cycle I get dragged into over and over again. But since I can't stand up for myself, I make rules. I make them public on dating sites. No exceptions.

If you've experienced this as well, I am so, so sorry. They shouldn't have done that. They should have asked. They should have recognised the signs. They should have thought of your wellbeing and not just their selfish desires.

I wish I didn't mimic their kissing so well they thought I was happily kissing back. I wish they wouldn't try to blame me afterwards, or tell me they feel awful because "how in the world could they have known"? I wish guys didn't tell me "well you must have secretly wanted it if you invited them to your house".

I wish it hadn't happened to me, but it has. And it may again in the future. But I'm taking the steps I can to protect myself from that to the best of my abilities.

Well done for posting that, nothing like a public statement for confirming your intent and shaping the boundaries which will help protect you going forward.

What has happened so far was wrong and can hopefully be a thing of the past, it will take you some time to process; remember we all need support to be prepared for life's challenges and ASD women tend to have more complex needs, you can't be ready for the real world unless someone has helped you to be prepared for it.

I think you are going about this in a realistic way and your self awareness is key to creating change, because it comes from a place of ownership.
Talk therapy can be good for reactive depression, and having an impartial person to speak with will help you to process the big picture.

People are opportunistic and the less inhibited you are, the more they can take from you... I would add a suggestion for your boundaries list, maybe have a max one glass of wine/half joint policy when socialising.

Hi,

This is very important issue for us, I mean, women with asperger.
I also had sexuary assulted when I was 13 by my biological father.

Why?

I have believed that there were so many reasons. But your post exactly represent the reasons:

>It happens surprisingly often, probably from a combination of trying to be normal, misunderstanding or being blind to intentions, trying to play a part and appease others (often according to gender role stereotypes and expectations) and/or a difficulty with being assertive.

Thnaks.

I'm sorry that's happened to you, and so often. It sounds like people in your life have taken advantage of your social disability and treated you very badly.

It happened to me a few times before I realized how to gauge people's intentions or what predatory behavior looks like. Like you, I was socially "clueless" and easily taken advantage of. I didn't want to be rude or disagreeable and put up with things that I shouldn't have.

The most salient example was when I volunteered at a riding stable. I was by myself grooming horses. Two stable hands showed up to clean stalls. I was 14 and didn't think too much of being alone with a couple of strange men. It never occurred to me that they might mean harm. Why would they? They were staring at me and talking but there was a language barrier and I didn't know what they were saying to each other.

One of them came into a stall with me and reached out his arms. I didn't get it. Did he want a hug? Well, I don't like hugs and it seemed like a strange request... but OK. I didn't want to be mean. So I hugged him. It wasn't until he fondled my breasts and pushed me against the wall that I felt the first sense of danger. "Oh, that's not what I meant," I said, but he either didn't understand or didn't care. His friend came in and offered me a Barbara Mandrell cassette, presumably as payment for services I was expected to provide. At that point I realized that I had gotten into a very bad situation and needed to get out. I untied the horse and backed him up into them. Everywhere they moved I kept Doc between me and them, hindquarters toward them so that they were in danger of being kicked at any moment. For those who don't have horse experience, a kick is devastating and often does tremendous damage to the human body. They finally realized it wasn't going to happen and left me alone, but I went home and cried because I felt stupid for letting it happen and dirty like a used tissue.

I'm sad to say similar things happened a few more times before I developed a better sense of danger and hardened my response enough to nip predatory behavior in the bud. I had to learn not only to recognize the warning signs, but that it's totally OK to be as nasty and mean as you have to be to protect yourself. Unfortunately I remain a target because I am small, unassuming and frequently oblivious to my surroundings (working on that). But the second a guy in Sam's Club sidled up to me a year ago and reached for my backside while I was looking for cottage cheese in the dairy case I whipped around and said very loudly, "If you want to keep your hand attached to your wrist you'd better keep it to yourself [expletive deleted]!" The unexpectedly nasty, aggressive response and the attention it drew stopped him cold.

A book that has helped greatly is "The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals that Protect Us from Violence" by Gavin de Becker.

I don't know if that's of any use or comfort to you, but at least know that you're not alone and others also struggle with determining the intentions of others and how to respond. The good thing is that it can be learned.

I’m so sorry. It’s not your fault. Is there anything you can do? I understand wanting to move on and not be retraumatized by the legal system. It’s not your fault hun.


I forget all the time that men just want sex. No offense Aspie men. It’s kept me from being retraumatized is expecting the worst from men. I wouldn’t trust any man as far as I can throw him. I’m always kind, but I keep a respectful distance and don’t ever let my guard down. I know there are good, healthy men who would never do that though.

I’m sorry all of you had to go through this stuff with creeps.

I have a very great admiration for survivors of sexual assault.

That was great what you did with the horse, Serpentine. Those guys needed to be kicked.

Sorry for the other folks who have to put up with sexual assault.

OP: great strategy for the future!

You bear some of the responsibility for putting yourself into bad situations, and for not making your intentions absolutely clear. Going forward, there are some helpful things you can do for yourself to reduce the chances of this happening again.

1. Cut down or eliminate booze in such social gatherings, as it makes it harder to stand your ground.

2. Hang out with a better group of people. The ones you've been spending time with keep taking advantage of you.

3. If you keep hanging out with them, at least don't invite guys over to your place, and don't stay over where only guys are present, and don't stay alone in a room with only guys present.

4. Give yourself some assertiveness training. Do some tarzan yells, and practice saying no real loud and tough.

5. Take up martial arts. Then when you say no, you will be able to make it stick, even if the guy gives you a hard time.

There is one person, and only one person who can really protect you in these situations, and that is yourself, but you have to take the initiative, to get the job done.

Sometimes no isn't enough. If you say no repeatedly and the person still has sex with you when you are frozen from the shock of not being listened to, then report it to police.
That's advice someone gave me.