Anyone have problems with forming emotional connections?

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This is something I’ve noticed in the past as a problem I have, and I’m curious if anyone else has noticed something similar.

I’ve just noticed that when I’m trying to gauge feelings and such or on a date I’m never gonna have that kind of connection. Ever. I’m just constantly over analyzing myself. The best first date - in this sense - that I went on was one where instantly decided there wouldn’t be a second and then had fun because I wasn’t thinking about it.

I’ve only had chemistry maybe once (maybe) and that was someone with BPD...

In the past, I was too self-centered to have a real "emotional connection" with anyone.

I've gotten better in this respect----but I'm still not up to "NT Standard."

Not at all. I form much stronger emotional connections than the average NT. But it only happens with very special people.

Yes the vast majority of the time. It's irritating because I've met tons of genuinely decent blokes and I've wanted to try to and see if something will grow because there was nothing wrong with them, they were great people. But there was never anything more there than just small talk and general conversation.

Even ones that seemed to be attracted to me... There was a vast chasm between us.

It's like, I'm pretty, but too weird to relate to.

I feel like something that regular people have is missing in me and I don't know what it is.

I find that happens when trying to making female friends too. I don't get to be close friends with them. Just acquaintances.

Sometimes I fall for someone and do feel emotional about them. I enjoy their company and I like who they are. But the emotion isn't returned.

I don't want to lose this guy I've met recently. He makes me feel like there isn't anything wrong with me. It feels like there really is a connection and I can see clearly now how I was trying to force a connection that wasn't there with all of the previous guys.

It is rare for me to find someone that I can relate to. I feel at home with him. I don't know how you tell someone that.

YES.

This is just being an aspie. You talk to people, but you don’t forge anything. You’re never one of them.

It takes me 3 times as long to get to that depth with people than your average NT.

Yes. I think it's at least partly from the differences in communication. Most people enjoy small talk and activities like that because it helps them bond. The activity itself seems very secondary to bonding, and it seems like a lot of people do things just to bond. On the contrary, I feel like I pursue my own interests and activities and hope to find likeminded people, so that bonding may come out of that, but bonding isn't really the main objective. But, most people don't seem to think this way.

And without masking, connection is going to be extremely rare. I hate to say it, because I feel like it would hurt some good friends, but I sometimes wonder if I've ever truly been able to be me in any kind of relationship, because in order to relay the meaning of what I'm saying I have to consciously "perform" vocal inflection, facial expression, and posture on at least some level. To just provide information blankly and naturally is like speaking in a pitch they can't hear. The desire for connection becomes incredibly complicated, then. When dealing with most people, you pass among them, but you're not quite there.

Certainly. It depends on context. I don't bond with NTs at all, and I don't bond with friends. But if I have a crush, then I will create a much stronger bond than an NT would. Which I think is the issue here. NDs typically won't make social bonds, rather are "designed" to only make strong bonds with the opposite gender in a romantic context. Something I'm pretty much fine with. I don't want any real social bonds, but I might fake them.

I too don't tend to bond with NTs. I was going to say there is one exception, but I think she has BPD. She relates to my inability to harness my emotions and gets the over-the-top way I handle my feelings.

Do you find that those whom you feel a bond with actually return the feeling? I ask because I've made mistakes before, assuming the other person felt the connection when it was actually one sided. I was feeding off something emotional about them, but it wasn't a bond or returned affection. It's hard to explain.

I don't think I ever had the problem of a one-sided connection. I don't know if that is because I've never done dating or started to talk to a crush, but I suspect it might be related. I think to have conversations early on sets one up for creating too strong bonds too quickly, while if you only observe at a distance, the connection builds up a lot slower and also requires persistent mutual interest.

So, I think I would be very careful about connections built with conversations, while I basically trust my intuition with connections built at a distance. Still, distance connections tend to stay that way, probably because the natural way to build a connection is pretty complex and dependent on a context that is hard to setup in our culture. It might even be that they are meant to stay "at a distance", something that is compatible with needing a lot of alone time. When the connection "evolves" to include direction sensing and mind-to-mind communication, there will be less need for real physical meetings.