A sad one.
I feel like s**t. First of all, for stopping coming here and read. Around February I was still in a decent place in my head after losing my job and every time I came here I would leave feeling down. So I stopped, I really needed to be in a good place animically and it remained like that for a while.
The anxiety of not having an income never stopped. Half the time I felt relieved of not having that job since I couldn’t stand it anymore and the other half I would be stressing, worrying, feeling fear and like a failure.
I’ve sent tons of resumes and had probably 2 or 3 interviews since then and didn’t get anywhere. In the middle of that decided to keep going with a project I’m working on but that is just getting started. I have no money to pay my bills next month and I’m living 80% if not more off my parents again.
My sister had a baby who I love, but my mother decided that since I’m the one unemployed I should help her. Before that I already decided I would help because I wanted to, but after a few weeks my mother took it as if it were my duty and if for some reason I couldn’t go she would make me feel guilty about not helping my sister. I mean, it’s not my kid and she has a husband. But then again I feel guilty and like a bad person since my parents are caring for my expenses. It’s s**t.
I feel awful.
Also managed to lose two friends who I’ve talked about before here. One I was already cautious about because he had ghosted me twice in the past 3 years and because of my other ex friend, came back to my life. I didn’t want him back, I had moved on. My closest friend told me to do it, since me and him had been friends for so long. So I let him. I stayed with that other ex friend when I travel to the country she lives in back in March. It was all friendly at first, but then it turned just awkward.
I happened to have a sort of episode (don’t know how to call it) were the heat was too much that I was annoyed and bothered at the place she took me to have lunch. I just really wanted to leave and was meeting other new friends after that lunch. I ended up not eating anything since really nothing seemed appealing and they may have taken that and my reaction the wrong way. This is the only situation that I think may have to do with how everything unfold later. Later that day I was coming back early and it felt good since we could spend time together but she turned me down, saying I should stay outside and find other things to do. I felt bad about that, like she was rejecting me but then I got together with my new friends and ended up having a great time.
I did feel like I never got to really spend time with her since she was working which I totally understood and was alright with getting by in the city on my own, I actually like that. So it was all good on my side. But I felt sad that the day we were supposed to spend together, nothing happened. The next day I came back to my country so that was that.
Weeks later in the group chat I’m not really sure what happened, but suddenly he was telling me how bad and ungrateful I was towards her and how obvious it was that I didn’t like that country. I said yes, I didn’t like the country why is that so bad? Apparently they took it as an insult which never was the intention. I had a lot of fun there, but I just knew I couldn’t live there, it’s just not for me. There where so many things said that i felt relieved they were finally saying what they really think about me.
That group chat while fun, sometimes became a burden. They sometimes made hurtful jokes or I would feel like they would just s**t on everything and I just didn’t find it funny anymore. I realized that I have changed over the years and became too different to get along as well as we had in the past. I felt sad about it but it happens. People move on. But that didn’t mean that I wanted it to end in that way. It was all too strange and it sounded like they had been thinking about it for a long time. I told them that their conversations sometimes felt too negative for me and that’s why I took a long time answering since I would sometimes not read them at all. That’s when they lost it.
I moved on. Fairly quickly. Until one of the friends we have in common stopped talking to me. That hurt, but I’m not one to force things so I let that be. Even though we weren’t as close, I miss him a lot.
What brings me here though is that it’s all getting to be too much and I found myself struggling not to cry all day. I’m really trying but nothing is happening. I don’t know what else to do but to keep going. Something good has to happen, I’ve got to make something good happen for myself, but sometimes I just needs to let go and let these feelings be. It’s difficult because I do feel the need to share but I feel like I can’t trust anyone. I just can’t trust anyone I know. And that hurts. I mean I’ve always hurt but that feeling keeps getting stronger lately.
I’m not sure what else to do but to come here and share. I feel very sad. Sorry for over sharing.
24 Jul 2018, 7:01 pm
