Ending a destructive friendship

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This week I decided to end a friendship. I have realised that it's a destructive friendship and is not going to lead to anything positive. I've nearly always stuck up for this guy in the past, as I felt he was misunderstood by others and was often teased by people. He is autistic himself so I felt a special sort of kinship with him.

But now I'm tired of trying to dig him out of problems that are of his own making. He has ruined his reputation now - any time people Google his name or his organisation's name from now on, stuff about his latest "incident" will come up. More and more bad stuff about him is coming out.

It comes to a point where you just have to walk away. I don't want to be dragged down with him - I am more loyal than most people, but I don't want to follow someone off the edge of a cliff! When I first became friends with him, I thought he was an intelligent and likeable guy. I couldn't believe he could be so foolish!

He has been very emotionally cold towards me lately and often doesn't reply to my messages, so as of this morning I've decided not to message him any more.

I would rather spend time doing things I enjoy and find other ways of helping others.

This is not the first time that I have attracted a destructive friendship with someone - I can think of at least 2 other cases where it's happened to me in the last 2 years, but in those cases it was easier for me to extricate myself as the friendships weren't as deep. So I will also need to look into why I attend to attract these sorts of people into my life, and how I can reduce the risk of it happening again. I think it's partly because of my desire to help others, and that I try to be friends with people I feel sorry for in some shape or form, and then I end up being taken advantage of.

It feels painful, even though I was the one who ended the friendship. It's like it will take me a while to grieve the loss of the friendship and find some ways to fill the void. I've already arranged a nice meal out with one of my best friends for next week, and I'll look into rekindling some hobbies I've neglected in recent months.

Has anyone else been in the situation of breaking up with a friend? How did you deal with the emotions afterwards and how did you take your mind of it?

That does sound like a friendship that's not very fulfilling. I'm glad you ended it.

It sounds like you are both ready to part ways as he's ghosting on you. He honestly sounds like a user and someone who is just going to pull you down.

A few situations:
I had to walk away from a really destructive relationship 3 years ago and not because she did any criminal behavior but because she was very clingy and controlling. She would call me excessively and have a fit when I wasn't tending to her
2. I had to dump a friend three years ago a well (I talked about him recently) because he was turned out to be a user, manipulator and was destructive around certain friends
3. I walked away from another friend who was nice to your face but always finding things in other people to complain about. He always talked about wanting a girlfriend. On top of that, his mother babied him.

Same, I've had to end a number of friendships. Some because the "friend" was self destructive and tried to drag me down with them, others because they made me destructive.

The most recent example was actually a good and long term friend of mine. I work in an open plan office, and probably will do for a very long time to come. Somehow her life just worked out, her dad gives her money each month, her husband earns enough to support them both, her husband has a great pension, so all she does all day is shop and post sunny pictures on social media. What's worst is that she used to say, "hey do you want to meet for lunch on Wednesday?", no, I am WORKING! So she did absolutely nothing wrong, she was quite lovely, but it brought out the worst in me and I started to get depressed again.

I did miss her, but my jealousy spiked and I don't like feeling that way, or what it was turning me into.

So I got over it by
- Distractions, every time I was tempted to message back I would find something else to occupy me.
- Cut completely, I actually deleted my facebook account. That was toxic anyway.
- FILL THE VOID. If something occurred to me that I wanted to talk about, I found other people to share with
- Be nice, I didn't say any of this to her, I just backed away slowly with excuses. This might not work in the autistic world though! May be better to be honest if you are ever called out?
- Change your number. If they get fussy you can always pretend you lost your phone
- Purge all memories. It does fade over time, get rid of any reminders.

And presto, healthier mental state.

[quote="bellapines"]
Same, I've had to end a number of friendships. Some because the "friend" was self destructive and tried to drag me down with them, others because they made me destructive.

The most recent example was actually a good and long term friend of mine. I work in an open plan office, and probably will do for a very long time to come. Somehow her life just worked out, her dad gives her money each month, her husband earns enough to support them both, her husband has a great pension, so all she does all day is shop and post sunny pictures on social media. What's worst is that she used to say, "hey do you want to meet for lunch on Wednesday?", no, I am WORKING! So she did absolutely nothing wrong, she was quite lovely, but it brought out the worst in me and I started to get depressed again.

I did miss her, but my jealousy spiked and I don't like feeling that way, or what it was turning me into.

The problem doesn't sound like her but you. Good grief, you ended a friendship with a nice person just because you were jealous of her? You have every chance to be a good friend but it sounds like you just thought about yourself.

It doesn't sound like she was trying to make you jealous on purpose but rather that was an issue with yourself.

Yes I did.

She wasn't trying to make me jealous, she was simply living her life. I knew from the start that this was a problem with me, there are many problems with me, and I made the right decision for both her and myself.

The fact that you took time to read the post and comment is great, we're in the minority and need to stick together and support each other and other autistics. When you say "you just thought about yourself" in conjunction with an exasperated "good grief", do you see how this might come across as accusatory and disapproving? I mean this in the most constructive way possible when I say it's more productive to hold back on phrases that sound like condemnation and instead offer support and encouragement. Not to me of course, I'm old enough not to need it, but younger aspies need support, far more than yet more disapproval, which we get enough of in the real world. Hope that makes sense

And now back to the problem at hand, which is how to deal with the emotions of breaking off a friendship and how to take your mind off it.

That guy sounds like big trouble. Good on you for ending it. I've just ended (or acknowledged the end of) many friendships with people from high school. Almost all people who never took the initiative with me and became emotionally draining, with 2 of them rarely replying to messages. I also cut out 2 others for different reasons- one's a sleazy as*hole and I finally got fed up with it, and the other only contacted me to ask for money. It's hard for Aspies to let go, but it needs to be done sometimes.