Hello!

Post Reply New Topic

Trigger warning?

Hello! My name is Amanda but I really hate it.. I go by Panda (Pan for short) or really anything else; "hey you" "human" "dude", just not Amanda. I am turning 30 next week. I was only recently (2-3 years ago) diagnosed with a long list of things. Autism, PTSD, depression, anxiety, ocd, etc. I have had a pretty eventful life with several traumas and such.. more than a typical person anyways. Every therapist I meet is absolutely astounded that I am functioning as well as I am. I don't know whether I should take that as a compliment or? Eh.. anyways, in no particular order I've lived through (because I like lists and it's easier than trying to explain everything; feel free to ask if interested though.. I have no issues talking or sharing my experiences in detail): emotional abuse, sexual abuse, kidnapped and raped for almost a month, bullying, moving around, living with both my biological parents and my mother's boyfriend.. in the same house.. together.. like as a complete family unit, having 3 children very close in age (currently ages 4, 5 and 7), being below poverty level and unable to afford needed things like bills food or medical care, medical problems that can cause extreme pain and problems with functioning, every man I have ever trusted to be in a relationship with has sexually abused me/lied to me/cheated on me/etc, my great grandparents (who I spent a majority of my time with growing up) passed away when I was 12/14, my parents passed away within 3 months of each other when I was 20/they were only 42 at the time, being forced to stay in a relationship that hurt me over and over again because I can't keep a job or take care of myself so I stayed with him for 10 years and had his 3 children, self harm, suicidal ideation, heavy alcohol use since age 14, some drug usage, etc etc. My medical problems are a list on their own including things like recurring infections, kidney infections that get so severe that I've had to be hospitalized/I almost died, uterine didelphys which means I have 2 of everything down there (uterus, cervix, and vagina), gluten intolerance, daily migraines that range from just a really bad headache to debilitating pain and nausea, anemia that doesn't get better with medicine.. it actually makes me worse when taking supplements, I had a stint placed to help with kidney stones and it calcified over.. it was stuck in me for years because we simply couldn't afford care (don't worry, it's been removed now but there is still damage from it). I honestly don't know who I am outside of these things.. they are so deeply embedded that I'm not my own person. I look down on myself and hate being me yet I like myself more than other humans I guess. I have very severe issues with being embarrassed about absolutely everything, about any new situation or person.. really anything outside of my very small world. I live with my boyfriend of almost 3 years. I go to my ex-husbands house Monday to Thursday to be with the kids while he's at work. Yes, they live with him. No, I don't like it. My boyfriend and I live in a tiny one bedroom apartment and he can't afford to take care of us.. much less 3 kids. We eat a single meal per day. Sometimes not eating for a few days at a time simply because we had to pay bills and couldn't afford food. Beyond that, I don't go out or speak to anyone else. I can't work, I can't keep a job to save my life although I keep trying and feel like garbage for it. I can do basic things but have issues with self care.. I am able to take care of the kids. I can keep them clean, nails trimmed, fed and such but taking care of myself? Ha! By the time I get home each night I shut down and just the thought of having to get undressed and putting new/different feeling clothes on is such a sensory issue that I just stay in the same clothes for days.. okay, maybe longer I really don't shower unless I specifically got dirty and it bothers me or if my hair looks greasy.. (once or twice a week usually, I can do better at times but that's generally what ends up happening); although I'm really good at keeping my teeth brushed because I hate how it feels if I don't. I don't smell or anything like that.. I mean.. I really don't leave the house or do anything to get dirty so just sitting around for a week isn't that big of a problem but I'd really like to have better hygiene anyways. I'm depressed constantly and have such low self esteem that it's ridiculous. I don't trust myself with anything and look down on myself for absolutely everything. I am unable to say no to people.. for anything. Even if it will make me very uncomfortable or hurt me (example: ex-husband has an issue with touching me and trying sexual things still and despite not liking it and texting him several times to show my dislike, going so far as to threaten contacting authorities, I'm unable to do anything when it happens but go along with it. I will fake being okay with absolutely anything and everything to stay away from confrontation in person. I am so broken and quiet (words my boyfriend uses; naive, obedient, compliant) that you could just ask to do anything to me and I'd be unable to say no. I have gotten myself into all sorts of bad situations and have had unmentionable things done to me just because I will lower my head and go with it. I feel so worthless and crappy about myself that I don't matter. That the other persons wants are more important than myself. I don't enjoy life. I wish it would just end but I'm no longer suicidal.. I couldn't imagine putting my kids through that. Anyways.. the other side of me.. when I'm not stuck in depression.. I really love interior design, architecture, animals of all kinds (although I prefer horses, dogs and cats), anything outdoors (hiking, camping, kayaking, traveling, etc). I love to sing and dance when I'm by myself or if it's just me and the kids. I like video games but board games with other humans is particularly enjoyable, although I have no one to play with so it doesn't happen. I am very giving and always put others before myself. I am smart in my own way but slow and you can't ask me to math.. at all. Even basic addition and subtraction is difficult for me.. I think I have dyscal.. what's it called? Number dyslexia. There's a word for it. Just seeing numbers on paper make my head spin and I get confused and flustered. Also, irl I have problems hearing people.. or understanding what they've said. I frequently have to have people repeat themselves.. usually more than twice and even then I just pick up a few words and try to fill the gaps. I'm lost or confused a lot. Lol.. anyways.. that's me! I'd really like to make friends and have people to talk to about things. Boyfriend and ex-husband really don't understand and I end up feeling worse if I try to open up and talk to them

Welcome PanthePanda!

Let me first say that I am terribly sorry that you had such a horrible life. Nobody deserves to go through what you mentioned, and life dealt you an unfair hand. When you have seen the horrors of life, there is often no going back. It's hard to trust people. There are good people out there, but who are genuine, without a hidden agenda? Predators love taking advantage of people who are easy to manipulate, they smell people like that from miles away.

Nobody is allowed to touch you when you don't want it. If someone does, go to the authorities. You can also ask them for help with your situation, like a counselor or something.

Never do anything you don't want, you are worth more than that Milady.

It breaks my heart how you think about yourself. You are equal, and worth as much as any other person.

Maybe you can call your health insurance company to ask what options there are for a counselor, to help you improve on your situation. That is a good place to start.

Wish you much strength in this situation Milady. Hope things will get better for you soon.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Hello Panda, love the name.

Welcome to WP. Sorry everything's sh***y for you, think you will find lots of people on here who share in a lot of

those issues though not so much all in the same person (hope that makes sense). I'm autism, depression,

anxiety and OCD for example, but no PTSD or kids. Others on here have those though.


I struggle to say no to anyone when they are being nice, this leads to extra hours at work that I can't cope with

but when someone's not so nice I can say no. If someone were pressuring me to have sex that would make me

angry enough to be able to say no. I never really thought about how more difficult it would make things if that

distinction wasn't there for me. Thanks for sharing.