Joke Thread!

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Oh, the skeleton had no BODY to go out with. Now I get it!

A blonde woman walks into a store and tells the store clerk "I'd like to buy that TV over there"

The store clerk tells her "I'm sorry maam but we don't sell to blondes"

So she goes home and dyes her hair red and returns asking "Can I buy that TV now?"

He says nope "Nope sorry, we don't sell to blondes"

So she goes home again and dyes her hair black. When she returns to the store and asks to buy the TV one more time the store clerk says "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes"

She looks at him mad and says "How can you tell I'm a blonde?"

He laughs and says "Because that's not a TV, it's a microwave".

Me: Doctor, I can’t stop singing Tom Jones’ songs, is that normal?
Doctor: It’s not unusual.

A rich lady and her little dog both take a trip to somewhere in Africa. While the lady enjoys the sights, her dog runs off into a nearby jungle and begins exploring the strange new environment. Suddenly a leopard appears, getting ready to pounce on the dog, who freezes and starts looking frantically for a way to escape. He sees a pile of animal bones, runs up and starts munching on them as the leopard is creeping closer and closer. Just when the leopard is about to pounce the dog says in a loud voice, "Boy, this leopard I just finished eating sure was delicious! I wish I could have another one." The leopard freezes and becomes very frightened, then turns and runs off. The dog is delighted that the leopard fell for his trick. But a monkey perched on top of a nearby tree had seen everything. He leaves to find the leopard and tells him all about it. After hearing the story the leopard says, "I can't believe that stupid dog tricked me! You can ride on my back while I go hunt down that dirty little mutt." Sure enough the dog soon sees the leopard creeping slowly towards him while the monkey is riding on its back. He sits with his back turned, pretending he hadn't seen them yet. When they get close enough to pounce on him the dog says in a loud voice, "Now where has that dumb monkey gone off to? I asked him to go find me another leopard to eat ages ago!"

a man walks in a bar and ask for some deer then the guy at the beer was like hey we sail beer not deer but we do have some bair beer .
Best beer i have ever drunk.

Why did Mario go to Luigi's Mansion?

Because he heard there was a pack of boos (booze) there.

Q: What did the frog order at a diner?
A: French flies & a diet Croak.

Two male nudists were standing around, drinking and talking, when a beautiful blonde woman walks by in all of her nudist glory.

One says to the other, "I bet she'd look great in a tight sweater!"

A child asked his father, "How were people born?"

So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."

The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!"

His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary last Thursday. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new digital bathroom scale.

An army jeep ran over a box of popcorn.

Two kernels were killed.

An oboe player accidentally inhaled her reed.
The conductor immediately called 911 and asked what he should do.
The operator told him, "Use a muted trumpet instead."

Q: What do you get when you drop a piano over an Army base?
A: A flat major.

Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A: A flat miner.

Q: What's the difference between a tambourine and a fish?
A: You can tuna fish.

I will never understand why people think that they can just waltz into my office whenever I'm trying to listen to "Blue Danube" by Johann Strauss.

Q: Why do you think the music theorist was drunk?
A: He tried to use a fifth with his tonic.

Q: How do you make a bandstand?
A: Take away their chairs.

Q: What concert costs 45 cents?
A: 50 Cent, featuring Nickelback.

There are so many jokes about musical composers, I could write you a Liszt.

Q: Why couldn't the string quartet find their composer?
A: He was Haydn.

Q: Why was the string quartet so happy?
A: Their composer was Bach.

Q: Why couldn't Handel go Christmas shopping?
A: He was Baroque.

Q: Why did Mozart kill his chickens?
A: Because they ran around screaming "Bach! Bach! Bach!"

Q: What is Beethoven doing now?
A: De-composing.

How does Moses make his coffee? Hebrews it.

Have you tried Jewish coffee? You should, Israeli good!

What did Roger Federer say as he stood between Novak Djokovic and Nick Kyrgios?

I have the Djoker to the left of me and the clown to the right of me.

A frustrated child asked their parent, "When will I be old enough that I can do whatever I want?"
The parent said, "I don't think anyone has ever lived that long."

What's the best thing about the woman in the shoe's living space?

It has a lot of sole.