Aspergers at 28 - I feel like I am missing out

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chris1989
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01 Sep 2018, 4:07 pm

I'm very mild with Asperger's syndrome and I do feel feel like I'm missing out and thinking I'm not living life like I see other people in their twenties doing, when I see them on a nice holiday somewhere, a great day out somewhere exciting and look like they are living best days of their lives with selfies at a club or party or having a great time at a gig watching a great band. Im 28 and feel like there is pressure on me to go out and see the world even though no one has and I feel I'm not living to expectations hardly do any of it as I have few friends since leaving school and college, when I go out its usually on my own or occasionally with family, I've been on some good holidays abroad, I don't always go somewhere exciting except occasionally with family, I hardly go to any concerts to see bands and not into clubbing. I think social media gives me that impression but I do sometimes see it if I go somewhere where there's lots of young people about like a beach and stuff. I feel like struggle to appreciate and be happy and content with the stuff I like doing which is reading books, trying be a writer and stuff but I can't stop thinking that I should be doing those other things I mentioned as if it will be make you fulfilled that you've done those things.



BeaArthur
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01 Sep 2018, 4:44 pm

So are you really "very mild"?

Tell us some of the things that are going well for you. For instance, you went to college. Are you employed? What is your living situation?


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ASPartOfMe
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02 Sep 2018, 1:14 am

Society puts pressure on you to do all those social things you mentioned but only you have the ability to feel the pressure they are putting on you.

It seems to me an outsider to your life that you are letting others decide what SHOULD make you happy. You need to figure out what makes YOU happy. Sometimes that will be what makes most others happy and sometimes it won’t.


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chris1989
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02 Sep 2018, 7:34 am

BeaArthur wrote:
So are you really "very mild"?

Tell us some of the things that are going well for you. For instance, you went to college. Are you employed? What is your living situation?


I went to college for two years doing art and design and then went to university to do fine art, but I had stop it after four months due to stress of the work, I was out of work between 2012 and 2016, I have now been working part time at a retail book store for two years and I still live parents even though they are divorced, so when I'm working I live with my mum and her partner and when I have I'm off work for some days they I stay with dad and my stepmum.



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02 Sep 2018, 8:18 am

Okay, so I hear you saying you are "missing out" on social life that you feel is typical for people your age.

First let me acknowledge that school years, especially college for those that have gone, are a prime time for socializing, and most of us will never have such an opportunity again. After that, people marry, have kids or demanding careers, and frankly don't make as many new friends. So I understand that you really are experiencing a friend shortage.

You will need to MAKE this happen if it's ever going to happen. Begin to participate in community activities, clubs, social events, volunteer work, even if it feels awkward. Make a point of learning people's names at these things. Anything where you see the same people again and again is best so that you can gradually get to know people.

Your job is not perhaps the one you envisioned yourself in, but it seems like a pleasant enough milieu for someone with an interest in the arts. Also I wonder if you are missing something by not continuing your art and design efforts. Even though you did not continue in university, you might still enjoy doing the work, and could also do projects for people on a freelance or unpaid basis.

Several WP members in the late 20s also feel like they are missing out. Because you have a developmental disability, you are lagging timewise in some of these adult "milestones" but that does not mean you will ever reach them. Be kind to yourself in your expectations; treat yourself like you would treat your own offspring if they found themselves in the same situation.

I hope this helps.


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rick42
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02 Sep 2018, 8:38 am

chris1989 wrote:
I'm very mild with Asperger's syndrome and I do feel feel like I'm missing out and thinking I'm not living life like I see other people in their twenties doing, when I see them on a nice holiday somewhere, a great day out somewhere exciting and look like they are living best days of their lives with selfies at a club or party or having a great time at a gig watching a great band. Im 28 and feel like there is pressure on me to go out and see the world even though no one has and I feel I'm not living to expectations hardly do any of it as I have few friends since leaving school and college, when I go out its usually on my own or occasionally with family, I've been on some good holidays abroad, I don't always go somewhere exciting except occasionally with family, I hardly go to any concerts to see bands and not into clubbing. I think social media gives me that impression but I do sometimes see it if I go somewhere where there's lots of young people about like a beach and stuff. I feel like struggle to appreciate and be happy and content with the stuff I like doing which is reading books, trying be a writer and stuff but I can't stop thinking that I should be doing those other things I mentioned as if it will be make you fulfilled that you've done those things.


I don't believe you are missing on anything.Stop trying to be NT and stop wanting to be NT.You are not them.You are a Aspie. Hate to say this,but you need to significantly lower your expectations in life. Atleast you have a few friends.That's more friends than what I will ever have.Be grateful. Remember,you have Neurological/developmental disorder and you are going to have vastly experiences than NT's or even people with other Neurological conditions besides AS/ASD. Learn how to accept yourself as a Aspie and stop trying so hard to have NT experiences.



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02 Sep 2018, 10:31 am

rick42 wrote:
chris1989 wrote:
I'm very mild with Asperger's syndrome and I do feel feel like I'm missing out and thinking I'm not living life like I see other people in their twenties doing, when I see them on a nice holiday somewhere, a great day out somewhere exciting and look like they are living best days of their lives with selfies at a club or party or having a great time at a gig watching a great band. Im 28 and feel like there is pressure on me to go out and see the world even though no one has and I feel I'm not living to expectations hardly do any of it as I have few friends since leaving school and college, when I go out its usually on my own or occasionally with family, I've been on some good holidays abroad, I don't always go somewhere exciting except occasionally with family, I hardly go to any concerts to see bands and not into clubbing. I think social media gives me that impression but I do sometimes see it if I go somewhere where there's lots of young people about like a beach and stuff. I feel like struggle to appreciate and be happy and content with the stuff I like doing which is reading books, trying be a writer and stuff but I can't stop thinking that I should be doing those other things I mentioned as if it will be make you fulfilled that you've done those things.


I don't believe you are missing on anything.Stop trying to be NT and stop wanting to be NT.You are not them.You are a Aspie. Hate to say this,but you need to significantly lower your expectations in life. Atleast you have a few friends.That's more friends than what I will ever have.Be grateful. Remember,you have Neurological/developmental disorder and you are going to have vastly experiences than NT's or even people with other Neurological conditions besides AS/ASD. Learn how to accept yourself as a Aspie and stop trying so hard to have NT experiences.



I would not say that "you need to significantly lower your expectations in life" just because you have AS. You just need to change the expectations to better fit your abilities. It does not necessarily mean a downgrade in life. One can have a great life with AS. It all depends upon the individual, what they are capable of and how they approach reaching those life goals. There are many older people on here (including me) with AS that can prove that the above life philosophy can come true with lots of effort. It all revolves around applying positive thinking in whatever you do.


To the OP - I felt the same way as you currently do when I was in college (both as an undergrad and as a graduate student). Everyone sets their own path in life, for good or bad. While it may appear that all NTs are happy in pictures on the internet, that could not be farther from the truth if you go scratch under the surface. Many feel just like you, that they are missing out in life, even though they appear to have it all. Their friendships/relationships could be hollow with no substance. I found out in graduate school that some NTs that I thought were my friends there were just "friends on paper" to obtain things from me. After I graduated, they vanished and I did not really miss them because I saw them for what they are: hollow and shallow, something that I do not need in my life.

My advice to you is to not worry so much about how your life measures up to others, but to concentrate on what you do want out of life and how to get there. Having a set purpose in life can be a beautiful thing. It may require you to change your lifestyle or to work hard, but remember the overall goal during the process. You may find a niche in life that no one else has which can lead you farther than you ever imagined. NDs tend to reach life goals usually slower than NTs, so please do not rate your life based upon NT timelines. All that does is make one feel bad, when the reality could be quite the opposite.

One last thing: Do not let the media sources try to make you believe that you need to live a certain way or you will not be happy (because that is just a NT fairy tail).



Joe90
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02 Sep 2018, 12:34 pm

I'm sure I've seen this same thread a few weeks ago but it's not bumped?


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Scorpius14
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02 Sep 2018, 2:56 pm

majority of millenials are perceived to be taking the social media route, youtube, instagram etc to be accepted in society, so people like us who have difficulty with communicating, come across as shy, are socially awkward or isolated will have trouble trying to fit in. One might have thrived in the 60s or 70s or even before the wars with such difficulties but now the internet has raised the bar, social status is more important than hard skills learned through school, bullying throughout school has led to me having little to no friends and friends are needed to get by in life not just to keep you from being isolated but to potentially open doors to many different employment opportunities.