Just how much boyfriend does she have?

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https://cbsn.ws/2N3XGIN

First off, this is a sweet story about an elderly man who walks six miles every day to see his sick wife. That by itself is awesome.

What caught my attention is how they met. He met her at a laundromat, found out her husband was a drunk who was mean to her. They started a relationship and have been together ever since.

I’m not one to encourage cheating or “stealing” someone’s partner. I can’t say that happened with this couple and won’t assume that it did. I will say karma tends to show up at the worst times if you engage in bad behavior. But if a guy says he’s IAR or a girl says she’s IAR and that’s why they reject you, it might be useful to see their status as somewhat relative. Are they happy with their partner? Is the relationship healthy in the sense they both want to stay together? Is there a possibility that one or the other is on the way out and the one being left hasn’t seen any signs or there aren’t any?

I’ve usually seen a boy or a girl jump right out of one relationship into another. The conversations I’ve had with said girl are something like: “You’re really sweet and I really like you, but I have a bf.” Next day: “You’re really sweet and I like you, but we just broke up and I need some time to myself.” Next day: “You’re really sweet and I like you, but I met this really great guy...”

Of course, the most reasonable conclusion is she didn’t go out with me because she’s just not into me. But it also could have been that she lost interest in one guy in favor of another because other guy had been there all along.

So I think if you meet a guy or girl who says they’re IAR, it might be worth getting to know this person on a deeper level since, after all, dating relationships aren’t necessarily permanent Keep an eye on the actual dynamics of their relationships, see if there are cracks in the surface, and look for an opening. Whether you entice that person to leave is between you and your conscience. It would be a shame to miss a real opportunity with someone just because they wave the IAR flag, especially if the relationship is shaky to begin with.

I think another factor is that people in relationships that are not optimal might have higher standards than singles. So, if a prospective new partner isn't considered as interesting enough, it's easy to reject them with "I'm already in a relationship", while if there is a more considerable interest, that argument might not be used, or there might be actual talk about being in a suboptimal relationship.

I don't pursue women that are in a relationship, no matter how good, or bad it is, or how much interest there is. I also wouldn't do anything that would cause them to break it off, either. I might, however keep them around as "casual friends", and if the day comes that we are both single, I might pursue them then. I know it sucks to have to "get in line" for someone, but that's the way it usually works.

I have actually met several women over the last year, or so that I would consider LTR. I also believe there was interest on their side, as well, but of course they were all in relationships already. Talk about frustrating.

Well, I wasn't in a relationship, I had some interest in someone and it all fell apart for reasons that are not entirely clear to me, but I chose him over a friend of ours because he was more outgoing and seemed to want me around. As he drifted away I became upset... obviously from my posts here... and I realised that the friend I had overlooked actually genuinely cares about me and keeps making sure I'm ok.

So, goodness knows I'm not dating anyone at all now and I don't know how this will work out, but sometimes being there and being genuine is what wins the girl over in the end. I mean do I want the one who pushes me away or the consistent one who cares?

The one who cares obviously.

Just a word of caution though. Don't set your sights on this one unavailable person exclusively because that can end in heartbreak if they never were or never become interested in you.

Just keep the door open, but keep on living your life.

That sort of behaviour is getting dangerously close to "nice guy" territory. If these girls realized what you were up to they'd very quickly feel like the friendship is fake and want nothing more to do with you.

Never mind the fact that if you're just not attractive to anybody then it won't work anyway.

That's how I picked my girlfriend.

Frankly, she was not the most attractive option for me at first , not ideally at least, but the amount of care she showed to me is saint-level, she made me feel alive ....love is probably contagious. She is my angel and i love her; she's my living proof that it's unfair to lump women together in boxes.

Awwwww.

Or I could end up married to one of them and have 3 children...

I view all friendships as fake, anyway. Am I playing a game? Sure. But so is everyone else.

But let’s suppose you really are sincere. Sincerity gets you nowhere if it doesn’t LOOK real. And that means having to dress it up as something more than what it is.

While it may not get you any more dates, I find it useful to be up front with my intentions. I think girls do at least respect honesty. All this “stuff” is fake anyway, so let’s just clear the air of all the bs and cut straight to the point:

Me: Hey, I’m free and bored and single this weekend. You wanna chill at my place? I’ll cook a pasta puttanesca that will blow your mind, then we can watch movie and eat popcorn on the couch. Whadya say?

Her: (laughing) No! I can’t do that. I have a boyfriend!

Me: Oh, yeah...forgot. Well, heck, bring him over, too!

Her: (laughing some more) I, uh, don’t think he’ll go for that.

Me: How do you know? Did you ask him already? Ok, fine. Don’t invite him. It can be just us. I’m ok with that.

Her: (still laughing) No. I’m sorry, but no.

Me: I understand. Well, you got my number if you ever change your mind.

Next week...

Me: hey, I’m still free and bored and single this weekend. You wanna chill at my place?

Her: No, I told you, I have a boyfriend.

Me: Still? Geez...well, how’s that working out for ya?

Her: Great! He rocks my world!

Me: That’s hot. Why don’t you bring him over to my place?

Her: (laughing) ...

The point isn’t so much to steal the gf as it is to let her know she’s valued. In my case, that was all it took. But all girls, and really anyone, really want is to be valued, to be wanted. You can play games with appearances all you want, but you can’t fake your values. I might not win the girl in the above dialogue, but at least now she KNOWS she’s wanted. At some point in the future I might get:

Me: So how are you and your bf doing?

Her: Meh. Ok, I guess.

Me: uh oh...trouble in paradise?

Her: no. It’s just sometimes I feel like ______ and he _______.

Me: I’m sorry to hear that.

Her: No you’re not!

Me: Haha! ok, I’m not. But I do hate that it’s got you down. I hope things start going better for you. You’re a great girl and you deserve it.

Her: aw! You’re really nice.

Me: thank you! You too! Well, I won’t keep you, I know you’re busy. TTYL.

Her: Wait, you’re not going to ask me out?

Me: Should I?

Her: I dunno, maybe...

(Friday night)

Her: so I broke up with my bf yesterday...

I’m not saying you’ll ever have a scenario that plays out like that. It’s just you’ve got nothing if you aren’t open to anything. The real problem arises when you feel like EVERYONE is IAR. If men and women are jumping so fast from one relationship to another, what’s actually happening that we’re missing?

Ok, that's what I would file under "pestering". That would annoy me.

I'll tell you what happened in my case. Met this nice guy, he asked for my phone number and we arranged to meet up with some friends. We met up a few times, with friends. A friend of his happended to be there one night and swept me off my feet. Got distracted for a while. Friend was always there. We still hung out with other friends and talked about stuff we both enjoyed. But I was obviously spending more time with the other guy.

So, the guy I was interested in starts pushing me away and I don't know why. Obviously I become downhearted. Friend notices I'm not doing too well and is a shoulder to cry on. Friend keeps in contact. Regular texts to see how I am. We make sure to invite each other places. We end up pairing off in crowded places and talking about stuff that matters to us. We become closer.

It was organic... ok maybe he will say he put a lot of effort in. He did make an effort to keep in touch even though I had bounded off elsewhere with another man. He did give me space during that period, but he was there to pick up the pieces when it was over... and I realised that I'd been chasing the wrong one.

I'll probably find some way of f*****g this up as well, but that's how someone under the radar caught my attention.

Ok, that’s GREAT! Just remember in the end it always works out for the best. I hope this works out to be the one for you. But if not, half the journey is about discovery, anyway. Finding out things will NOT work out and moving on to better things is POSITIVE. It saves you the time stuck in a bad place when the real love of your life was right there all along.

Pestering? I mean, if it IS pestering, sure. Depends on how well you know someone and how well you read them.

I’m trying to teach my oldest kid about this. People treat men differently, and that’s just a fact. So it doesn’t do men any good to appear overtly aggressive. So the tactic is to see if you can get a girl to make physical contact without touching her yourself. I was watching him and his sister playing. She hit him, so he hit her back. Nothing that hurt, just play. So I called him over and explained that it looks bad to hit a girl back. He was confused as to why he got in trouble and she didn’t. I explained #1 he was NOT in trouble and #2 that is one way girls show affection, especially if a boy is pestering her. As gross as it sounds, the annoyance is often internalized sexually. If a girl really wanted to get away from you, she’d call you an @$$hole and leave (no, I didn’t tell my kid this). But if she punches your shoulder or otherwise makes contact, it’s because she’s having contradictory feelings of annoyance and attraction. How you, as a guy, play this will determine whether she’s attracted to you, thinks you’re a jerk, or just plain creeped out. Learning the “code” is the difference between getting a gf and being alone, so be careful how you treat women and go about flirting.

Dealing with AS means, for me, I can’t really tell the difference, and I’m guessing you’d have similar issues reading those cues from men. Something you feel as “pestering” might just be innocent flirting. Rather than hit back, it translates internally as “he treats me like garbage and I wish he’d leave me alone.” So something that might turn into attraction normally results in revulsion.

It’s tough because how do you know it’s NOT meant as bullying? Because I get that, too. So, even though I am well aware that all intentions are evil, I treat them all as good. Maybe that makes me everyone’s doormat. But a FEW of those actually are good people. Because I have no illusions, it doesn’t bother me when I’m mistreated...I typically don’t even know I’ve been mistreated, so bullying never really accomplished anybody’s goals on me. Which is why people just leave me alone for the most part. But I am grateful that there ARE a few amazing people who take good care of me, and all the bad stuff is worth the good that comes from believing in people and being patient.

Hang in there. The good stuff is on the way.

It sounds like pestering to me, and besides, a girl that switches bf so easily is not worth pursuing.

Sure, and there’s definitely a karma element to it. If a girl will leave one bf for another guy, she’ll do it to you. So, yeah, I think as a guy you have to learn to expect it. But you also understand that’s just how this thing goes. It shouldn’t catch you off guard when it happens.

However, it is ALSO possible you meet the right one this way and you end up going long term or even married.

And don’t forget, just because she has options doesn’t mean you can’t. You can do exactly the same thing. Maybe you’re the one leaving her for someone else. Fair is fair.

You're assuming we're desirable enough to have options. If we were that desirable we wouldn't be coming here complaining about being single, lol.

I’m actually not accounting for desirability at all, one way or the other.

I mean...I don’t mind admitting that I’m basically a bum. I’m maybe a bum that tries hard, but I’m still a bum. I was tired of being a bum the day I became one, and pretty much now all I can do is accept bum status until circumstances radically change...which can and does happen.

So...if being fat, bald, funny-talking, perpetually underemployed, and socially awkward are hallmarks of undesirability, then I should never have had options. But I did. And I still could. The fact my wife can’t stand to get rid of me and actually WILL have sex with me AND still gets off on it, in my opinion, shows that all hope is NOT lost.

Seriously, it doesn’t do much good to factor desirability into the equation. If that’s an issue and you really can’t help it, it’s not going to help matters if you dwell on something that’s just going to make you more depressed. A lot of desirability is just confidence and attitude, anyway. While I’m not on the market, just the few changes I’ve made over the summer have made a huge difference and people look at me differently—doing squats has corrected my posture along with running longer distances, upper body exercise and swimming has strengthened my chest and back, which is starting to show through my clothes. The kids I see in my classroom pay more attention and they’ve gotten easier to manage. Appearance is a small part of it, but just FEEL better, and feeling stronger and more confident has really helped with interacting with others.

I suppose the irony is the less concern you have for desirability, the more of it you tend to get. And that’s another reason I don’t account for it. Just worry about those things you CAN control and let the rest take care of itself.

I'm pretty sure I have options, but I would never sink so low as to pester a girl or beg for her attention. If there isn't mutual effort and persistence, then nothing good can come of it anyway.