RE: Bad relationships

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My friend has Asperger's and is in an unhappy marriage, his wife criticizes him, puts him down, makes him feel small etc. Will he actually leave a relationship like this as I have read that a change of routine, environment etc can make a person more anxious. Has any one experienced anything like this? I also forgot to mention they have an 8 month old baby too which stresses them both out. I hate to see this happen to my friend and also the baby. Any help and advise or experience would be greatly received thanks

I think nobody can give any good advices for that without knowing him and his wife. May be you could talk to him about that and help him to find his balls again. But be carefully with that because his wife won't like it and you don't really know if he can shut up about it.

This
But I will add that lots of Aspies tend to withdraw in relationships & need more space & alone time especially when stressed & this can cause some Aspies to leave/end relationships. Anyways there's various factors at play & it depends of the specific Aspie & specific realtionship as to if the Aspie will leave & end it or not.

Only marriage counseling will fix this. Somehow he needs to communicate his needs to a therapist who can translate this in terms his wife will understand. She, in turn, needs to stop abusing him and find ways of correcting her own behavior.

I normally optimistic about these situations, but this one is tough. I don’t believe in divorce as an option. But I was in a relationship eerily like this sans baby (we weren’t married, just engaged), and I had to walk out. The best solution for this...well, it’s a little late, but the best solution is to not end up in the relationship in the first place.

As a guess from someone who has been in a relationship for more than ten years.

He is withdrawing and she is abusing him for not helping out with the baby. At all.

If he could help out more with the baby he may find that it actually reduces his stress after the initial awkward period. And then he could integrate taking care of the baby with his regular routines.

I feel similar. My wife is angry. She says I use Aspergers as an excuse for not pulling my part. I withdraw, I am quiet, don’t talk or explode and yell. I am looking for a good marriage counselor.
I have had a bad experience with a counselor, that did not give any credence to me probably being on the spectrum. he just said I had addictive behavior and needed to start inpatient therapy to work on my addiction.
I finally ran from that situation as I did not see any help by being separated from my wife and working on my ‘addiction‘.
Now I am looking for somebody with experience with Neurodiverse couples...Maybe online is an option, nobody here local....

Talking with your wife about what you can do to help out.

But, you could also do the pro-active approach and just start doing more.

Take the car in for service. Women absolutely hate to do this because guys get treated much better. Its like women can't know anything about cars.

Either cook the meals or clean the dishes/put them away if you can't cook.
Vacuum/clean the place at least once a week. Don't forget the toilet.
Mop the kitchen floor as needed. Take out the trash.
Buy the groceries.

Be there to listen to her rant when she gets home from work.

Talking with your wife about what you can do to help out.
- she says I should know
But, you could also do the pro-active approach and just start doing more.

Take the car in for service. Women absolutely hate to do this because guys get treated much better. Its like women can't know anything about cars.
- I do all the car service
Either cook the meals or clean the dishes/put them away if you can't cook.
- I like to cook and cook often
Vacuum/clean the place at least once a week. Don't forget the toilet.
- I could do more there...
Mop the kitchen floor as needed. Take out the trash.
Buy the groceries.
- I do all that....

Be there to listen to her rant when she gets home from work.

What really worked in my relationship was to spend at least one day out of each weekend doing something with her. I'd plan an outing within driving distance and we would do a day trip, perhaps visiting a museum and having lunch or an early dinner somewhere.

That's OK. Woman won't care about it either.

That's quite OK.

Skip all that one after the other. She treats you like s**t because you act like a p**** and because you are not independent of her opinion at all. She will only hate you for being like that and you can't even do it right because she doesn't likes a p**** as husband. It's mostly her flat and therefore her job. Ignore any dirt. Spent instead more often time outside or with friends and without her. But be always quite nice to her once you are back and say that you love her. Never sit down't for peeing or act otherwise pussylike just because she wants you to do it.

Except it's about you. If so just leave her without explanation except 'you need some time on your own' for at least an hour and be nice again if you are back and bring sometimes with some flowers with you but don't explain anything. Suggest more often things that you could do together outside of the flat - except all sorts of dancing.

^^^ I wouldn’t quite phrase it that way. But I’ve often wondered what it is with, shall we say, weak men.

It is a fact that women tend to feel resentful towards men who only act to appease them. I don’t understand why, but men who ONLY go with women’s decisions, which you would think was any woman’s dream, would end up happier men with happier women. But women just get bitter and pushy while men slowly lose their sanity.

It doesn’t take a scientific study to show how relationships that operate solely on the basis of one party appease the other end up being toxic. That’s not the interesting part. The interesting part is WHY men and women relate to each other that way. My personal view is a complementarian one, that while men and women are equally valuable and deserving of equal rights, they are still DIFFERENT and will naturally tend towards many of what we think of as traditional roles. And I’m talking about how men and women relate to each other as potential life partners, not as in the question of whether women should be CEO’s. And because women may have a natural tendency to expect more from men, it benefits BOTH partners for a man to be firm and decisive, EVEN IF his decision is in opposition to her feelings on a particular issue. I don’t expect women to be happy when their partners disagree with them. I do expect women are happier than they would be if the ENTIRE burden of decision-making falls on HER shoulders.

In my relationship with my wife, I see her as a strong and wise person. I take no issue with deferring to her on almost everything. But what I find touching is she comes to me with the issues, lays everything on the table, tells me what she thinks is best, and ALLOWS me to give my approval. She doesn’t have to do that, but it makes me feel big and important when she does. We have occasional differences, and she still ALLOWS me to have the final say even if it disappoints her. We don’t avoid every disagreement couples can have, but I think we are healthier for having them.