"You need to work on yourself!"

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Marknis
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21 Oct 2018, 2:31 am

This is something I am commonly told by others when I mention my struggles in establishing a relationship. Even those who tell me there's nothing wrong with me tell me to work on myself. I honestly don't know how to go about this or even if it's possible for me. I have been in a routine for most of my life and I am usually drained by the stress I go through to the point I pretty much collapse under the pressure I feel. I am 30 now so if I couldn't achieve social skills and my goals in my developmental years, how can I ever at all when I've missed out on so many milestones?



fluffysaurus
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21 Oct 2018, 2:45 am

Start with something small, the positive that gives you will be the energy to try something else. I suggest for a

week you avoid starting new threads and instead concentrate and comment on other people's threads.

Are you in the process of changing avatar? Do you have any anime heroes who despite their weaknesses keep

trying to overcome their struggles.



phantasmagoria
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21 Oct 2018, 5:03 am

What are things you can do to make yourself more desirable for a potential partner?



Fnord
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21 Oct 2018, 10:06 am

phantasmagoria wrote:
What are things you can do to make yourself more desirable for a potential partner?
Well, Phantasmagoria, I’m glad you asked that question. Here’s a list I compiled of responses to the question “What do women find attractive in a man?” from several other threads. Now, while it isn’t an all-or-nothing proposition, the more of these qualities a man displays, the more likely he is to attract women. Some women may find certain quailities more attractive than others, and no two women’s priorities are the same.

To summarize what the women have said that they find attractive in men:

Appearance:
o Decent Clothing / Well-Dressed
o Good Grooming
o Good Hygiene
o Good Looks (This definition varies)

Physical:
o Fit & Trim (Not too buff or too skinny)
o Healthy (Neither a smoker nor obese)
o Hair (Not bald; no beard or mustache)
o Taller than she (About 4 to 6 inches)

Mental:
o College Education (Not necessarily completed)
o Common Interests
o Intellectual / Intelligent
o Knowledgeable (Not a “Know-it-all” or a “Mansplainer”)
o Logical

Emotional:
o Caring / Compassionate
o Cheerful (Not a whiner or complainer)
o Funny / Good sense of humor
o Level-headed / Rational
o Optimistic
o Passionate about something (i.e., cause, hobby, et cetera)
o Sentimental / Sweet
o Warm / Empathetic

Behavioral:
o Accountable / Responsible
o Attentive (Toward her)
o Civil / Well-mannered
o Employed (gainfully)
o Honest
o Interested (In her as a person)
o Independent lifestyle (Owns or rents a home, car, et cetera)
o Kindness / Mercy
o Respectful / Tolerant
o Understanding
o Unique (Not an ordinary follower)

Keep in mind that the list of “Red Flags” and “Deal-Breakers” is largely subjective to each individual woman, and that no two women are exactly alike.



Marknis
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21 Oct 2018, 8:13 pm

fluffysaurus wrote:
Start with something small, the positive that gives you will be the energy to try something else. I suggest for a

week you avoid starting new threads and instead concentrate and comment on other people's threads.

Are you in the process of changing avatar? Do you have any anime heroes who despite their weaknesses keep

trying to overcome their struggles.


I had a new avatar in mind and I have it uploaded on another forum I post on but I have to modify the size for it here.

phantasmagoria wrote:
What are things you can do to make yourself more desirable for a potential partner?


Something I get told a lot is that I need to exercise more but when I see guys who are fat with girlfriends, it confuses me. Why aren't they slimming down and building muscle?



SilentJessica
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22 Oct 2018, 12:10 am

Marknis wrote:
how can I ever at all when I've missed out on so many milestones?

I don't think it's ever too late to try to reach milestones, even if it feels like it is. Some people are later at reaching them than others, and that's okay.


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Marknis
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22 Oct 2018, 12:41 am

SilentJessica wrote:
Marknis wrote:
how can I ever at all when I've missed out on so many milestones?

I don't think it's ever too late to try to reach milestones, even if it feels like it is. Some people are later at reaching them than others, and that's okay.


A part of me wants to believe that and my therapist tells me not to believe in the "stories" my mind creates. It's just that I've been stuck in a rut for years so I am easily discouraged when I struggle.



The_Face_of_Boo
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22 Oct 2018, 1:35 am

This is commonly said to males only.



fluffysaurus
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22 Oct 2018, 1:56 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
This is commonly said to males only.

I would agree as far as this forum goes. In life generally though, no. 99% of criticism, helpful critiquing :roll:, digs,

and general slagging off of women comes from other women.



fluffysaurus
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22 Oct 2018, 2:16 am

Marknis wrote:
fluffysaurus wrote:
Start with something small, the positive that gives you will be the energy to try something else. I suggest for a

week you avoid starting new threads and instead concentrate and comment on other people's threads.

Are you in the process of changing avatar? Do you have any anime heroes who despite their weaknesses keep

trying to overcome their struggles.


I had a new avatar in mind and I have it uploaded on another forum I post on but I have to modify the size for it here.

phantasmagoria wrote:
What are things you can do to make yourself more desirable for a potential partner?


Something I get told a lot is that I need to exercise more but when I see guys who are fat with girlfriends, it confuses me. Why aren't they slimming down and building muscle?


I like this one way better, what's he called?

Lots of fat, ugly, low paid guys have girlfriends where I live too. Having said that I did find it easier to interact with

people after I lost weight and people did and have continued to treat me better. I found this confusing and a bit

hurtful especially with people I knew. As if I was worth more as a thinner person :? I think it is that people value

you according to how they think you value yourself (they base this on what they value themselves and assume

everyone is the same). Exercise is probably the best way of showing other people that you value yourself and it

has some nice side effects but you don't have to do it in order to get a girlfriend. I get the feeling that what would

make you feel better about yourself the most (that you can actually in some way control) is to be really good at

something. I am very good at something (debatable to others perhaps) and it gives me a lot of self worth. 30 is NOT

too late to become really good in some fields, and autistic have some advantages here.



The_Face_of_Boo
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22 Oct 2018, 2:53 am

fluffysaurus wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
This is commonly said to males only.

I would agree as far as this forum goes. In life generally though, no. 99% of criticism, helpful critiquing :roll:, digs,

and general slagging off of women comes from other women.


In life, this phrase is commonly said by men and women tho to men struggling at dating. I am not sure if it's commonly said to women by women in all-girls outings tho but personally I have never witnessed/heard the typical "you need to work on yourself" advice said from woman to woman honestly (at least never in my presence) or even from man to woman , maybe they use different expressions like 'you need to play hard to get' and some other stuff when the recipient is female?? .



314pe
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22 Oct 2018, 4:18 am

Marknis wrote:
Something I get told a lot is that I need to exercise more but when I see guys who are fat with girlfriends, it confuses me. Why aren't they slimming down and building muscle?

Perhaps they are not aspies. Personally I think that it's much easier to lose weight than acquire NT social skills. But it's up to you to decide what you should improve. Anyone can improve something about themselves.



fifasy
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22 Oct 2018, 4:26 am

Doing these things recently myself has brought me more affection from women:

* Washing my armpits every morning with soap, unless I'm having a shower that day.
* Swishing a tablespoon of coconut or sesame oil in my mouth for 10-20 minutes three days a week to clean my mouth and gums optimally. (It's spat out into the waste disposal unit afterwards. Not swallowed - yeuch!)
* Getting my hair cut regularly. I realised my hair doesn't ever grow out neatly or in style. It's best short.

These three things make a difference because having excellent hygiene in your armpits and teeth and gums means you won't sweat or feel irritation or pain as much. That means you'll feel more relaxed. Healthy gums and teeth make it easier for your face to smile or relax and those kinds of faces are more likely to look attractive than faces in pain.

Read this webpage too: https://www.nationalelfservice.net/dent ... the-links/



Last edited by fifasy on 22 Oct 2018, 4:28 am, edited 1 time in total.

314pe
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22 Oct 2018, 4:28 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
In life, this phrase is commonly said by men and women tho to men struggling at dating. I am not sure if it's commonly said to women by women in all-girls outings tho but personally I have never witnessed/heard the typical "you need to work on yourself" advice said from woman to woman honestly (at least never in my presence) or even from man to woman , maybe they use different expressions like 'you need to play hard to get' and some other stuff when the recipient is female?? .

Also at least from my personal experience, there is less for women to improve on. Education and career, for example, mean much less to men when choosing a romantic partner.



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22 Oct 2018, 7:58 am

The best thing to do is to think about the suggestions that we have given you over the past three months and start experimenting with them. We want to help you. If you experiment with our suggestions for at least 21 days, you will get somewhere. It takes 21 days to form a habit.


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