I'm desperate

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I can't deal with anything anymore. My anxiety is so high, I'm seconds away from meltdown constantly. I'm constantly in flight mode. I am indecisive about everything and my mind spirals with repetitive thoughts and I'm paralized until the pressure builds up and I explode into tears and desperate pleading for help. I'm non-verbal due to the stress but my life hasn't been designed for non-verbal communication. I suck at sign language, even writing is difficult. I've literally sat here all day in front of my phone trying to find the words even to explain for this post, but I can't. My life is so complicated and I'm so scared and powerless. I can't make anyone happy. I'm Autistic, I don't understand people! I am so tired of being chastised. I'm tired of being told my body language is aggressive, my voice volume is too loud, my voice tone is rude. Well guess what? Over 30 years of this has pissed me off. I went from never being angry to now being nothing but a ball of rage. Obviously something about my very being is just naturally offensive, what I really don't know because no one ever tells me why, just that I am. I actually like when someone can prove me wrong, I'm a nerd, I love learning. Neurotypicals have no interest in actually telling me how to change, just that I'm wrong. I get triggered by dismissal, due to how I was raised: by a person with untreated obsessive compulsive personality disorder.

I'll post this now rather than delete it again like I did so many other times today. I can't phrase anything right.

Sorry to hear that you are in such a bad state.

What I would do is to make a list of things you would like to do every day, and see how many of them you can do.
At least for me, activity tends to put my mind at ease. Which is why I'm up at 3AM writing this post. I'll do stuff for a little bit, get tired, and go back to bed.

You definitely do need to have an assessment by a qualified professional who can provide you with the right assistance and medication to help you cope with your surroundings. Coping on your own can be an album oust insurmountable challenge . I don't know your circumstances, whether you live with parents, a single parent, alone etc and whether you're still in contact with this person with untreated OCD.

It does help to vent your frustrations as you have, but our members, much as we are here to listen and eager to help, are mostly laymen who can speak from experience only and not give professional advice.

I know this inability to express oneself, too, even thought I am verbal. But yes, wrong body language :/ How can you learn to express your feelings and boundaries if whatever you say people tell you you're wrong? That sucks.

A good shrink would help but to evaluate if one is good is not obvious, especially in a state of mind in which you need a shrink :/ And a bad one can make it much worse.

Do you have some activity that makes you feel better? Painting, playing music, knitting, sports, sorting beads, whatever? Can you lock yourself up doing this for some time until your brain gets a bit better? I don't say to solve all your problems, just to be able to look at the world and process the life.

And write here, vent here, don't worry, we all know how hard it is to express yourself sometimes.

When you can focus enough, it may help to write something or type something up & bring it to an appointment with a doc or psych who can prescribe anxiety meds. Buspar helped my anxiety alot & is specially for anxiety & can be taken with most other psych meds so it might be a good choice for a 1st med. Considering how bad your anxiety sounds, it wouldn't surprise me if you'd have to be on multiple meds. !ce your anxiety is doing abit better on meds & you can talk some or at least be able to write/type things out, counseling could be potentially beneficial.

Thanks for all the replies. I am waiting for paperwork to go through so I can start seeing a counselor. I am very distrustful of any medication. I often have nasty side effects, I've been on mood stabilizers and other such that never helped but gave me all sorts of misery. I was always forced to take that type of medication, and the side effects got added to my diagnosis. When I started having hallucinations I stopped cold turkey and so many of my issues just disappeared.

I use cannabis and it helps a lot but after over a year of daily smoking my tolerance is annoyingly high and the amount of stress has increased, so it doesn't help as much as it use to. I can only assume the chemicals in traditional antidepressants are just not the ones my brain needs. The first time I experienced actual happiness was at thirty after smoking CBD, it's a miracle and I'm glad to live in a place that it's legal.


My brain goes into a loop of "I'll get in trouble if I, but I'll get in trouble if I don't." I get stuck not knowing how, or when, or what and it prevents me from making any choice at all. I know rationally there are things I could do, but the fear that I should be doing something else paralizes me. This isn't accurate. I'm not sure how to phrase it. My brain is split in half and I feel like a logical paradox because I've like, woken up to how I've been treated my entire life and I'm pissed about it, with good reason. I don't really remember my childhood because it was so abusive. It's like a few months ago I lived in one reality and now everything is upside down. I can't play by the rules, I have to break them, I am not allowed to break them.

Being raised by someone with untreated obsessive compulsive personality disorder meant that I am always wrong. They are obsessed with neurotypical social norms so they pass perfectly. I was raised in a cult-like environment: they are the matriarch and there is a strict family hierarchy; I'm on the bottom. I wasn't aware this was abnormal until a few years ago.

I have a boyfriend and he's perfect for me. He abandoned his family in favor of me! His mother detests me, I'm the evil Autistic who kidnapped her son(who is also autistic but she doesn't know) and we nearly needed a restraining order against the family trying to "rescue" him away from me, but finally they calmed down and he hasn't spoken much to them in years.

His view is that I should abandon my family too, it would certainly be easier in some ways but, I like my family. I know it's messed up, but I don't know any different and the idea that other families don't have a centralized leader with strict hierarchy of roles is confusing.

It's like I'm floating alone in the ocean and ships sail by with people waving to me, acknowledging my existence and saying "this is where you should be." And no one will let me on the ship, I'm supposed to drown. Everyone thinks it's normal for me to have no home, no community, no future. I get shouted at for having no money and for thinking I should get more money.

I'm hyper-verbal. I've always talked because it's a reaction, I'm desperately trying to find the words that will help. Humans are just blank to me. Neurotypicals are the one with true "flat affect" because their face just looks like a bunch of muscle spasms. None of the movements have any meaning, no emotion. I ask questions to figure stuff out but that only annoys people. I hate talking. I just babble and talk because if I don't people will go away and I'll still be confused and they'll be mad at me why don't do whatever it is they think I should be doing. I have no ability to be concise. No one in my family does, we all talk loud and charismatically, we are story tellers. I have the same "talents" as them but without any social intelligence. Now I feel like my brain breaks with any sound that escapes my mouth. To me, my voice sounds like a beaten dog, I can hear the pain but no one else does. I have to speak. People are not patient enough to wait while I write and this knowledge makes writing intimidating. My boyfriend let's me be non-verbal but it's hard because we aren't fluent in sign language and my phone is constantly dying.

First, get a professional to help you find fixes for at least some of the external problems that are upsetting you. Also, try to stay away from mind meds, as they are dangerous. Then, work on the internal stresses:

- Get plenty of rest.
- Eat plenty of mostly healthy foods.
- Get some moderate exercise. This is mildly mood boosting.
- Read funny stories, and watch funny shows. Humor is also mood boosting.
- Find ways to keep your mind and hands occupied. It will help to distract you from what's upsetting you.
- If you are religious, prayer can also help, as it can have a calming effect.

Hope this all helps.