24 Jun 2005, 9:38 pm
Hi, everyone,
I found this site a couple of weeks ago after someone on a forum for highly sensitive people had a link to it. I read the information about Asperger's Syndrome and it was like that moment in time before something life-changing takes place and then the time afterwards, where nothing you think about yourself will ever be the same.
The name of this site is so appropiate for how I've felt my whole life, like I was an alien child who happened to be raised by humans. Peculiar things like having to be taught by a physical therapist how to walk when I didn't start on my own or my hysterical reaction to tornado sirens, smoke detectors, police sirens, valcume cleaners and fireworks. I sucked my thumb until I was five and from then on, bit my nails.
Then I obtained this weird habit of pacing all over the room when I was thinking or happy about something. I still do this but I've never let others know I did. I've had one obsession after another about particular movies such as "The Secret of Nimh," "Dumbo," "The Care Bears Movie," and then Rainbow Brite, my pastor(!), decorating, beanie babies, rainbows, My Little Poney 
and spirituality.
My preschool teacher recommended that I be tested for entry into a special education school, probably because I had a hard time communicating my needs and was very quiet, unlike everyone else. I was put in regular classes but had to go to speech therapy and resource up until 3rd grade. No one told me why so I thought it was something most kids went through and I was just a normal person.
But my classmates didn't see me that way and made fun of me for every move I made or just shunned me completely. I was asked if I went to a special school and couldn't understand what I was doing that made them think I was dumb or hate me. I made good grades so it couldn't be that though I was always quiet, hardly ever talking.
Middle school was hell. In 6th grade, the entire class shunned me and everyone deemed me a lowlife, ugly, out-of-style, ret*d geek who didn't deserve to be part of the human race. It didn't help I was horrible at sports and in gym, I was always, without exception until 10th grade, the last one picked for teams. And worse, the teachers saw this and didn't do a thing to chastise them.
I developed social anxiety disorder and later, depression because of emotional abuse I suffered at home as well as at school. I was now afraid of even walking down the hallway or getting up to go to the teacher's desk because I was afraid I would trip, fall or worse, completely panic and freeze. This turned into a fear of doing something that made people ridicule me and the feelings of fear and anxiety were horrible.
The kids laided off on me as I got older but I never became a part of the social climate at school. It was the entire student body on one side and me on the other. I was just that different but I had no idea why, although I knew this intuitively. Plus with me having SA, it was impossible to have normal relationships.
My father's absence and then his kicking me out of his house after I went to live with him at 20 years old further confirmed I was defective. He was a Jehovah's Witness who believed other churches were evil and gave me the choice to quit church and limit seeing my mother or get out of his and my sisters' lives. I choose the latter and was promptly kicked out and even had to return the house keys like some evicted tenent. I subsequently got with a 40 year-old guy who only thought I was good enough for sex and that I would ruin his reputation if he was seen with me. I wanted to be loved so I felt it was up to me to convince him I was good enough.
Even after all this, I managed to get a degree in of all things, Journalism and was the first in my family ever to graduate from college. I loved college due to it being a freer environment and having license to be myself. However, the only jobs I got were low-paying menial ones because I was so scared I would mess up and my obvious strangeness showed through. I lost those due to the companies closing or not having transportation. Then I went back to school to get another degree in interior design as I was talented in the art field as well as a good writer. Unfortunately, I had to quit due to lack of funds and this was something I absolutely loved to the point of obsession.
My mental health declined from there and I was hospitalized last year after attempting suicide. After getting on the right combination of meds and resting, I've been evaluating myself and am attempting to accept myself as is, not worrying about what society wants me to be because I could never be that person no matter how much I tried. And believe me, I have done some trying.
I'm still a loner and love my privacy and strangely haven't desired friends from the time I was little. I just wanted exceptance from "normal" people, not necessarily to hang out with them. But now, I couldn't care less and love my flower child, sensitive, strange, hermit self.
Last edited by nirrti_1 on 24 Jun 2005, 9:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.
24 Jun 2005, 9:39 pm
Join the club.
[Edit]I posted this before you updated your post with the rest of your story. Wouldn't have been quite so short and to the point otherwise. Religious prejudice sucks. Nice job on avoiding turning out like them.
I love interior design too. Probably would have ended up as an architect if I hadn't decided to go into computer art. Used to spend hours and hours when I was younger, browsing through house plan magazines, making models of them, designing my own, laying them out on grid paper, working out color schemes and styles.
Last edited by pyraxis on 24 Jun 2005, 11:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.
24 Jun 2005, 11:02 pm
I'm still a loner and love my privacy and strangely haven't desired friends from the time I was little. I just wanted exceptance from "normal" people, not necessarily to hang out with them. But now, I couldn't care less and love my flower child, sensitive, strange, hermit self.
Yes, you are definately on the right road now, forget what society wants and work on what really, truly makes you happy.
I'm right there with ya, sister
Yes, welcome.
25 Jun 2005, 12:36 am
Middle school was hell. In 6th grade, the entire class shunned me and everyone deemed me a lowlife, ugly, out-of-style, ret*d geek who didn't deserve to be part of the human race. It didn't help I was horrible at sports and in gym, I was always, without exception until 10th grade, the last one picked for teams. And worse, the teachers saw this and didn't do a thing to chastise them.
I developed social anxiety disorder and later, depression because of emotional abuse I suffered at home as well as at school. I was now afraid of even walking down the hallway or getting up to go to the teacher's desk because I was afraid I would trip, fall or worse, completely panic and freeze. This turned into a fear of doing something that made people ridicule me and the feelings of fear and anxiety were horrible...
Wow - that was my school experience to a "t". Only my mom's support kept me from offing myself at 16 because of it; to this day, specific events from those nightmarish years are still so close that I can "touch" them. I'm sorry that you had to go through that hell as well.
25 Jun 2005, 1:28 am
The name of this site is so appropiate for how I've felt my whole life, like I was an alien child who happened to be raised by humans. Peculiar things like having to be taught by a physical therapist how to walk when I didn't start on my own or my hysterical reaction to tornado sirens, smoke detectors, police sirens, valcume cleaners and fireworks. I sucked my thumb until I was five and from then on, bit my nails.
Then I obtained this weird habit of pacing all over the room when I was thinking or happy about something. I still do this but I've never let others know I did. I've had one obsession after another about particular movies such as "The Secret of Nimh," "Dumbo," "The Care Bears Movie," and then Rainbow Brite, my pastor(!), decorating, beanie babies, rainbows, My Little Poney
and spirituality..Tornado Sirens. Smoke detectors. Police sirens. (Shrugs)
Care Bears Movie (Reminds me of me in the 90s. A huge obsession), Dumbo (For a few months), My Little Pony (I'm a male and when I was about 8-9 I was VERY obcessed over the TV show of it they ran on Disney channel)
Pacing around the room is what I do when I am OVERLY excited about something, thinking or planning about or nervious.
Middle school was the same for me in 6th grade. At the end of 6th grade, I made a couple friends. Right back to hell once I wound up in High School.
So I understand what you're saying and can relate to a bunch of it.
Right on! [/quote]
25 Jun 2005, 2:13 am
25 Jun 2005, 3:33 am
25 Jun 2005, 8:58 am
25 Jun 2005, 5:43 pm
Joined: Jun 24, 2005
Posts: 6
Posted: Sat Jun 25, 2005 12:38 pm
Post subject: I sometimes think I do
come from another planet
------------------------------
Hi, everyone,
I found this site a couple of weeks ago after
someone on a forum for highly sensitive people
had a link to it.
Hmmmm? Any comments made about it by these
sources?[/quote]
She only spoke of having Asperger's and some of her problems socializing and provided a link to this page.
it was like that moment in time before something life-
changing takes place and then the time afterwards,
where nothing you think about yourself will ever be
the same.
What was your life like before reading about
Asperger's? Have you reviewed PDD,NOS?
Autism Spectrum'd topics other than Aspergers
specifically. Don't limit your knowledge, use
your intellectical skills and good luck in this
homework!
I knew I was different, that I wasn't like adults my age. Not only do I look 10 years younger, I don't have the same worldly interests like parties, going to the club (I can't drink), being upwardly mobile or your typical "Sex in the City" lifestyle. The "soccer mom" mode doesn't fit me either. It's like I'm a very smart, very wise 14 year-old.
I'd rather feed the ducks at the park, read books or play computer games than be with people my age because I have nothing in common with them nor do I understand why they act the way they do. People can be so alien to me sometimes and I never had the desire to interact with them because they think I'm "not the sharpest knife in the drawer", or I'm a little "slow".
I'm extremely smart and know more than a lot of them but my quiet demeaner and my inability to be like the majority makes them think otherwise. Plus when I try to explain anything, it comes out in an incoherent jumble. I had no idea why I was like this until I read material on HFA and Aspergers and it seems I might fit either one. But I was always under the impression that HFA involved having a lower I.Q. than most Aspies and mine is higher than average.
I've felt my whole life, like I was an alien child
who happened to be raised by humans. Peculiar
things like having to be taught by a physical
therapist how to walk when I didn't start on my
own or my hysterical reaction to tornado sirens,
smoke detectors, police sirens, valcume cleaners
and fireworks. I sucked my thumb until I was five
and from then on, bit my nails.
Hmmmmm? Hi! I am Ghosthunter, I am HFA.
I was temporary deaf between ages 3-5.
I had regained my hearing through Easter seals
and speech through Special Ed type private
and public schools. I have had delayed learning
skills and WASN'T A WALKING genius at a young
age. This is HFA if you have average to higher
intellect later. AS is when you are the walking
genius with no delays in normal development,
say age 6-9 it is caught! I suggest looking up
the Autism spectrum or PDD,NOS!
It is likely inbetween Aspergers or verrry high functioning autism because I've never had trouble recognizing other's facial expressions nor did I lack empathy. I had trouble understanding other kid's conversations but strangely, could hold a good conversation with my 75 year old great-great grandmother.
Are you a girl? It is rare to have HFA as a girl,
but it happens!
Not only am I a girl, I'm African-American so I guess I'm truly a rarity.
tested for entry into a special education school,
probably because I had a hard time communicating
my needs and was very quiet, unlike everyone else.
My grandmother said I didn't speak! I played by
myself and just didn't speak! I had much trouble
communicating my needs when I was young.
It wasn't that I didn't talk at all. I just didn't talk much in school and couldn't pick up on their conversations or the teacher's instructions. But I could understand and talk with family members and even participated in Easter plays at my church. However, I had trouble communicating certain things because I didn't know how to express them like the time I was 6 years old and my mother locked herself in the bathroom and told me to go to the neighbors for help.
I didn't quite understand what happened or how to explain it to the neighbor. I was too scared to knock on their door and when another neighbor passed by, I said that someone "broke in" to the house. I just didn't know what words to use.
I was put in regular classes but had to go to
speech therapy and resource up until 3rd grade.
[/quote]
My Grandmother said I left formal speech therapy by
8? She wasn't sure of the actual age. I would
have lessened speech therapy until 13! And I
do remember seeing a councelor alot! or was that
a school psychologist in Junior High?
It's funny, though. When I was in 6th grade, kids would accuse me of talking "proper" or like "white folks". I would even correct my great grandmother's grammar when I was seven.
[quote="Nirrti"]
And worse, the teachers saw this and didn't do
a thing to chastise them. [/quote]
Again, I left highschool in disgust!
My mother never knew what was going on. She had me at 16 years old and really wasn't much of a mother to me. So I was emotionally on my own since we hardly talked with each other and if she did, it was to chastise me for every move I made and call me stupid or crazy.
[quote="Nirrti wrote:
depression because of emotional abuse I
suffered at home as well as at school. I was now
afraid of even walking down the hallway or getting
up to go to the teacher's desk because I was
afraid I would trip, fall or worse, completely panic
and freeze.
Emotional overload!
Yes, that and a genetic chemical imbalance called social anxiety disorder. It's theoretically caused by low seratonin levels and 90% also have depression. So it was a triple wammy, right there.
became a part of the social climate at school. It was
the entire student body on one side and me on the
other. I was just that different but I had no idea why,
although I knew this intuitively. Plus with me having
SA, it was impossible to have normal relationships.
Ignoring someone is the worst abuse!
It was, sadly, what I wanted, for people to just leave me alone because if people are that cruel, I didn't want anything to do with them anymore.
house after I went to live with him at 20 years old further
confirmed I was defective. He was a Jehovah's Witness
who believed other churches were evil and gave me the
choice to quit church and limit seeing my mother or get
out of his and my sisters' lives. I choose the latter and
was promptly kicked out and even had to return the
house keys like some evicted tenent. I subsequently
got with a 40 year-old guy who only thought I was good
enough for sex and that I would ruin his reputation if he
was seen with me.
I use to be in this slaught puppy stage as well!
I was 20-24 and the female species didn't
want anything to do with me. I, for sex and
companionship reasons, used gay sex and older
men to achieve a connectedness. NO! I am not
gay! I used it for connectedness that the
other side of the world(NT) would offer me.
I think that's why I developed an obsession with my pastor. He was the only male I had in my life and I wanted him to love me but he favored the "smarter" kids who could contribute to the church more than he thought I ever would when I got older. True NT behavior....from a preacher.
of all things, Journalism and was the first in my
family ever to graduate from college. I loved
college due to it being a freer environment and
having license to be myself. However, the only
jobs I got were low-paying menial ones because
I was so scared I would mess up and my obvious
strangeness showed through.
same here, but the intellect, no college degree
yet!
There wasn't a question of whether I'd go to college or not. We didn't see anything that suggested a disability of anykind and I was measured by NT standards. I knew I was "different" but I didn't know why.
having transportation. Then I went back to school
to get another degree in interior design as I was
talented in the art field as well as a good writer.
Unfortunately, I had to quit due to lack of funds
and this was something I absolutely loved to the
point of obsession.
Are you 30? Your job path is so much like mine
and other HFA'rs
You hit it on the head. I just turned 30 this past December. I felt I wasn't living up to being that old and thought I was a failure for not having a driver's license, car or at the moment, a job. I thought I would be much farther than this in life. The only thing that keeps me sane is my apartment which my grandmother pays rent on while I'm jobless. I feel bad because I think I should be the one taking care of her at this point.
Welcome to WrongPlanet, I am Ghosthunter and age
39, and I highly suggest you lookup HFA!
Thank you, Ghosthunter. I'll continue to do more research on my own. I've already asked my therapist about Aspergers and she's never heard of it. (!) Since my insurance only covers government health care, which isn't all that good here, I can't rely on their doctors for an accurate diagnosis.
ghosthunter[/quote][/i]
| Similar Topics | |
|---|---|
| Hello Wrong Planet! |
03 Jul 2026, 1:53 pm |
| wrong planet is back! |
26 Jul 2026, 4:23 pm |
