Neurotypical and aspergers relationship

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I'm going to say something that may be shocking, but hear me out.

Do you think you could provide a stable environment for this potential child? (A father who shouts all the time and a mother who stayed with dad because she did not think she could do any better?)

You can do bad all by yourself. A partner should lift you up at least most of the time, not drag you down and make you feel bad about yourself.

Right now, it sounds to me like you don't value yourself, so you'll hang around and just accept any scraps you can get. He knows he can treat you this way, because he's acted like an ass to you, and you're still here. What's his motivation to change?

The thing with leaving is that yes, you are risking not finding someone else, and you are risking not being able to have children. If you're 40, that is a real thing, unfortunately.

On the other hand, there are children you could help by volunteering your time and efforts where no one else may be able to. They may not be yours, but ultimately a child would still benefit and you would be doing good.

I'm just saying there are worse things than being single. Like being paired up with a guy who shouts at you and makes you feel like you're a second-class citizen. You deserve at least better than that.

I can totally relate to your feelings. I feel indecisive whether or not to leave him.
My bf with high functioning autism in a way thinks we as "neurotypical" are the bad ones, talking down on me and hurt my self-esteem. He totally changed since the diagonis. On the one hand its relief for him that he knows whats all bout him and explains many of his traits. But full of euphoria and drive he now does whatever he wants. Doesn't care about anything else than the things HE wants. Shutting down and pushing me away when I ask him to learn about me, how I feel and function in the "neurotypical" world. But this isn't interesting enough for him or give him any utility/value as he sees the "hf asperger world" as the one who are superior.

(you can read more here if someone wants to help me as well: Forum Topic "how to make compromises from AS and NT side)

How can I get to someone who totally shuts down when asking him to make" sacrifices" and have the will to have a fair relationship? He sees this wish as offending and intolerance of his person.

So...I got started writing basically everything I was thinking about on this topic. So if you don't feel like reading all of it, that's cool. Here's the short, two-word version, which will be repeated later:

GET OUT.

Much, MUCH longer version:

Just my opinion here, so take it for what it's worth...

At one point in my life I was taught to believe in sacrifice, that the only life one can live is one lived for others at one's own expense.

I no longer believe in that. Throughout my life I've felt that I've been taken advantage of by "takers," moochers and parasites that don't want or expect anything more from me besides what furthers their agenda. I've always been a giver and constantly dismayed when I can't get help when I need it.

So things like "sacrifice" and "compromise" are no longer part of my vocabulary. "Compromise" is especially evil because it demands sacrifices from both parties. We both have to give up something to gain...what? Well, what you gain is only a part of what you want. People don't actually work like that in the real world. In reality, one person will cheat to get everything they want while the other person doesn't really get anything. True compromise is lose/lose. And if it is ever actually accomplished, it leaves both parties mutually dissatisfied.

True sacrifice is lose/win. You give up something with no hope for anything in return. For what? "The greater good"? Which benefits you how, exactly?

See, the problem is not that giving up something is bad, or making a deal is bad. The problem is whether the exchange does you any good. Does it make you happy, if nothing else? If so, then you get something out of it. It's not really a sacrifice if you make a return on your investment. What has happened is you've exchanged something you have of value for something else of value, e.g. happiness. If you're playing chess, you can "sacrifice" a pawn to lure your opponent into a trap. If he takes the bait, leading to a checkmate in 3 moves, what have you really sacrificed? You won the game.

If giving up something means getting back something of equal or greater value (to you), neither of you have anything to complain about. It's win/win. It's mutually beneficial.

Every single on of us is selfish on some level. Positive relationships are formed when that selfishness is fed by the other person. And we feed the selfishness of others because those people are valuable to us. Selfishness in and of itself is not evil. We instinctively care enough about ourselves to eat, drink water, and seek shelter. We value other people enough to help keep them alive by providing them with same. The problem is when selfishness turns to greed and envy--wanting what we have not earned (envy), acting to increase material possessions at someone's expense (greed, entitlement leading to theft, extortion).

Getting back to your problem specifically--

ND people will sometimes take this to an extreme. Selfishness is just human nature. Growing up AS we are made to feel that there is something wrong with us because we don't fit in. Getting a diagnosis means all that "stuff" that's wrong with us isn't really wrong, but it's actually normal (for us). There's an explanation, and that explanation somehow makes it ok to feel and act the way we do. It's now justified. Take that line of thinking one step further. We aren't the problem. "They" are the problem. "They" bullied us. "They" took what we deserved. "They" didn't understand. Therefore, "They" don't matter. "They" are beneath us. And we will remake our world however it takes to be on top. My gf will do what I say, be right where I say she has to be, do to me what ever I want her to do, be available in any way I wish at any time. That's how it works in the NT world, and that is what I demand in mine.

Not all AS people are like that. But it seems to happen quite a bit. It's easy to become confused by what happens in the NT world--"jocks" and jerks who use women and leave them. Or jerks who easily attract women, abuse them, and manage to stay in relationships seemingly free to do as they please. The reality is what we see is often only at surface level, and reality is a bit more complex. Perhaps the bad behavior isn't really that bad, just merely playful. That's not a way of saying it's ok to be abusive. It's just that what only appears to be abusive really isn't abuse.

Suppose a NT tells a joke. Everyone laughs. But suppose I tell the same joke. Suddenly, it's not funny. Why not? Bad timing. Out of context. An NT pulls a prank. It's funny. I pull the same prank, and suddenly it's going too far, it's not funny, and it's hurtful. Couples who've been together for a while know each other well enough to know where the boundaries are and just how far they can take things. Someone with AS may not be aware of that. And suddenly behavior that for ANYONE ELSE would be warm, inviting, and friendly, it's creepy, imposing and threatening. There's nothing fundamentally "wrong" with us. It's just that for some of us, there's a gross misunderstanding of how people work.

We think that because selfishness is justified, that WE matter too, because we have a diagnosis, etc., that operating purely on the basis of our values and our values alone are enough. It's incumbent on "everyone else" to rise up to our level, to serve us and our needs. And because of what we are, we don't owe anyone else anything in return.

In the NT world, no, nobody is owed anything in return. But people don't respond well when things are demanded of them, either. In the NT world, you don't simply just fall in love with someone and life goes back to what it was before. A person's values extend to other people in your life, not just your material possessions, hobbies, and other interests. People "out there" value other people and treat others like prized possessions.

One of my special interests happens to be women. I often hear it said that women don't like to be put on a pedestal. I see it differently. I value women and think they should all be put on a pedestal--prominently displayed, cared for, and up off the floor so they won't get carelessly kicked around. If that's objectification, then so be it. But better that than keep her locked up in a bedroom or chained in front of the kitchen sink.

Out there, people treat those they value with dignity and respect. Out there, becoming a couple or getting married doesn't mean you stop dating. And some of us have the mistaken belief that once you get a gf, part of the deal is she hangs around like some piece of furniture while you spend all your free time in front of the computer or playing video games. Or whatever else it is you do that occupies most of your time. There's nothing wrong with computer time, video games, or hobbies. But all those things at the expense of a lover who serves no purpose but to wait until you're ready for her--well, that's TWO lives you're wasting.

So I think that the "furniture" girlfriend is what some of us expect--not because we value women or friendship or intimate companionship and sharing our lives with someone, but because of envy and greed. That's what NT guys have, so we should have it, too. There's much, much more to the story than that. And without fully understanding what the big picture is supposed to be, without really getting how all the inner gears and springs and circuits work, we really can't function in a relationship.

I stress that not ALL AS/NT relationships are like this. But this isn't the first post on WP I've seen like this.

If your bf doesn't value you enough to make it worth your while to stay with him, then you are on some level a victim of abuse. Don't be a victim. There is no diagnosis that excuses this kind of behavior. It's not worth it to continue in this relationship.

GET OUT.

That said--I've been with someone long enough to have seen all kinds of ups and downs in a LTR. I value this person enough that if she went crazy, tried to leave me, or even tried to kill me, I'd rather see her committed to a psych ward than abandon her. I promised no matter what that I'd be hers and she'd be mine. If when I first met her I knew she'd be the kind of person who'd make my life unliveable, I'd never have stayed with her in the first place. I've been in a relationship before that started out almost magical and over the years turned hellish. That is no way to start a life journey together. It seems to me you are with this person early on in the beginning of a relationship, even if you've been together a while. A diagnosis doesn't magically change someone. You are simply seeing what has been beneath the surface all along. I don't believe in breaking up marriages. But if you aren't married, you should end this. This isn't how proper relationships should be. If you can, you need to be proactive, turn your life around, and be with someone who DOES value you the same way you value them.

The guy you are with obviously has other priorities. If he values everything else so much more than he values you, do the best thing you can to make him happy: Exit quietly and give him all the time in the world to indulge his other interests. Don't waste his time any more.

And don't waste yours, either.