I'm realizing ~

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The more I think about the holidays & what everyone else must experience around celebrations of any kind, I observe that I must seem pretty aloof & frigid next to pretty much anyone else they know. It's no wonder I'm not seen as date-able, there's no way to honestly represent how I feel because my mind is always too busy.

I'm gonna go smoke in the metaphysical corner again if anyone wants to join me me, you're welcome.

I don’t reslly know what to say sorry. But don’t want you to feel ignored.

Thanks & merry Christmas dude! As lost & confused as I may be, at least I can be festive about it.

I think I'll be ignored less if I pay more attention to the people who do so for me. I'm here to give them something even if they don't know it.

You’re a good-looking guy, actually. You’ve filled out a little.

To be honest I'm less concerned about my looks than I am about my personality. I'm one of the goofiest people you might ever encounter but it's obscured by the seriousness of my work & the sheer volume of if that I can't really discuss with anyone.

I'm still fixated on making my existence more palatable for the woman or two who actually pay any attention to me.

you're "fixated on your work" - what kind of work do you do, if you don't mind?

Well hi cb! Holidays can be hard on people, especially if we're lonely. Actually this is one of the better years for me as, due to a bout of introversion I'm alone today doing housework and listening to Canadian radio. It's been a nice day.

On the other hand, in some years past it hasn't been that way.

Being goofy is under-rated. I'm proud to act like a fifth-grade boy sometimes. Standing out sometimes is better. And I also share with you an occupation that I don't discuss with many people, because it would make their eyes glaze over.

i'm a little boy in a big boy body.

I test industrial 3D mapping software & I'm working on getting into its' development. I also voluntarily do a lot of public domain work regarding internet security, trying to put data back in the hands of those it came from, although nobody really cares about that yet.

It's all so dry & technical that while I'm happy to do it, I'm scared its' alienated the only people who ever got close to me at all.

although what I do puter-wise is nowhere near as frontal-lobe-intensive as what you do, just the same it still makes people's eyes cloud over when they ask me what I do and I tell them, like they regret bothering with me. so I can sorta grok what you're sayin' here.

Ditto. I think if I were to actually grow up, I'd risk boring everyone even more. I'm strangely enthusiastic about mundane things or ugly machines, if they're well engineered. I also have several compelling biological reasons not to act my age, to do so would just be dishonest. I don't know much about my current health because the default option when I ask for medical help is throwing me in the loony bin, so I'd rather introduce some spontaneity & wonder instead of developing an unhealthy fixation on money & status. I spent so much time being drilled on science & technology as a kid that I subconsciously decided not to stop being a kid.

People getting close to me is rare. It takes years & years for me to trust anyone at all so I feel like I'm failing this person if I can't teach her some of my trade secrets & best practices. I'd rather be handy than merely capable. Nobody really bothers with me unless there's something we need to work through & even then we still put it off, because they're confused & I'm shy. I'm a fairly decent shoulder to lean on so I wish everyone would take advantage of that IRL; I've seen a LOT of scary stuff in my life & I find myself compelled to share some coping strategies & the like. The hard part of that is making myself socially available enough for anyone to contact me in square one.

The only alternative to that is being left in a box full of machines for decades earning money for no one. I want to be kinder than that.

I learned early on that it is far better to be handy rather than handsome. the former gives you gravitas that the latter often lacks, but you have both AFAIC so you're ahead of me in that regard, at least.

I'm afraid my personal nature puts me behind more or less everybody though. My brain constantly tells me I'm a burden & to keep to myself even though I know I really should put more energy into helping some friends through other difficult things. I compulsively fix anything I know how to, which is an immediate problem wherever there's no absolute solution(s).

life is more about improvising what works for now at least, than "absolute solutions." be handy, be a friend, when you avail your handiness to other people in need, you are being a friend of sorts. sometimes, "of sorts" is close enough.

I'll drink my coffee with you. I know people see me as grim, joyless, and afraid to have fun, because I hate celebration and group activities. But, big deal--I'd rather be learning or working on something.

I guess I'm not really seen as anti-fun although the intensity of what I do & how I think about it freaks everyone out, including me.

I think I have to do something to make this more acceptable or I'm going to be on my own entirely.