Why I Want a Relationship

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I think depression and low self esteem can easily be the consequence of failing with relationships, but at the root of the problem is a failure to be yourself. You don't need socal competence, a job or lots of friends to have high self esteem. You don't need them to get a partner either. All that is required for high self esteem is to be comfortable with yourself.

Inquisitor:

Let me just start by saying I think your posts have been the most sensible ones I've read. I don't want anything I say beyond that to be seen as invalidating your feelings or experience. I do understand, so if anything else I have to say comes across as preachy, I apologize as that is not my intention.

Some of the things you pointed out regarding those of us in a relationship and what we say to those who aren't are concerning and relevant to me.

You pointed out how people in relationships question why you want to be in a relationship. Ok, WHY you want to be in a relationship is your business. You want a relationship? Fine. Go be in a relationship. Or at least try.

You admit that self-esteem is a part of it. Ok, you're being honest. I respect that.

Now that the obvious stuff is out of the way...

Yes, I would have a similar question about WHY. Sure, relationships CAN turn out abusive, but they don't NECESSARILY turn out abusive. That's like saying LED traffic lights are evil because SOMETIMES snow and ice can cake up on them, whereas incandescent bulbs are hot and keep the lights free of obstruction. So what? You can redesign the guard around the lights, and I know of at least one light bulb that has a sensor that can activate a heating coil that will keep ice off the LED's similar to how a rear window heater works in your automobile. It's a no-brainer. Saying relationships are bad because they CAN be abusive is just stupid. And just because problems CAN arise in relationships doesn't mean those problems can't be resolved, especially when the outcome is more advantageous than a previous condition. Being in a relationship is more often preferable to not. So let's just get that out of the way and deal with something more substantial.

My concern is something you've already answered, and that relates to self-esteem. The issue is the claim that the lack of a relationship is the cause of low self-esteem and depression, whereas the cure for low self-esteem and depression would be being in a relationship (because the lack thereof is the cause).

Logically, that would seem to work.

Except that's not reality.

The problem, and why it doesn't work that way, is because you're basing your self-esteem and joy--and, in essence, your identity--on another person. You are placing the responsibility for your happiness, your self-value, and your identity on another person or on status that is directly related to another person. It's illogical.

It's illogical because doing so essentially makes the other person (or potential other person) a slave to your identity and self-esteem. You might ask, "well, why not?" Well, it means that as long as someone has the right to leave you, self-esteem and identity for the duration of the relationship is artificial and impermanent. If you could literally hold someone captive or enslave them, then your identity and self-esteem is still artificial because the other person can only pretend to love you while performing acts of love under coercion or force. Do you want genuine, lasting identity and self-esteem?

You might say that she is free and you're a willing slave to her. Doesn't change the fact that she could leave you at any time. And if you are a slave to her, is your love for her genuine love, and does she want genuine love or not? If she wants genuine love, she can't stay with you because you cannot give her what she wants. You might decide to fake it and see if you can fool her into thinking you love her. OK, but you're still not doing yourself any favors. That's because you become a slave to deception. Eventually the lies will wear you down since you cannot live that way and continue to get what you want. It takes a toll on the person you're leeching from, too. You can become a yes-man. And your lack of initiative and decisiveness will cause her to be resentful and bitter towards you. She'll become abusive, and eventually you'll lose your mind. And when you either go nuts or she leaves you, what's that going to do to your self-esteem? Notice I didn't ask about your identity. If I'd asked what that does for your identity, that would imply that you had an identity in the first place.

Your self-esteem CANNOT be successfully derived from relationships. You may think it can be. You can blame low self-esteem on lack of relational success. But in the end, it's impossible. It just won't work.

Self-esteem has to be derived from who and what you are as an individual. What do you do that you enjoy? What are you good at? What makes you unique and special? What can you do better than anyone else? What ideas do you have that you could share to improve your life and the lives of others? Self-esteem is tied to your own sense of value, not the value others give you. If you achieve something with a useful activity, people will recognize what you do and they'll respect you for it. Girls who didn't find you attractive before will at the very least find you interesting. That's not WHY you achieve, of course, but rather respect and attraction are consequences of achievement.

This is NOT a magical formula for starting or maintaining a relationship. No matter how good you are at something, there's always a risk that you may never have anyone. The point is that other people aren't important. YOU are. You can't work yourself to death for the approval of others when approval may never come. Do it for yourself. IF they come, let them come, and be generous when they do. But don't define yourself by someone else or the relationships of others. That's the only way you're going to fix the self-esteem problem. Do this, and relationships won't matter.

Like I said, feeling good about yourself and understanding your own self-worth happen to be attractive features. Being good at things tends to make people attractive. I can't make any promises or guarantees. But I'm sure this demonstrates that, if nothing else, a high sense of one's own personal value and high expectations of yourself and others makes it more LIKELY that you'll find someone. And it will make the relationship itself easier and more worthwhile BECAUSE your partner isn't tasked with your happiness. You can enjoy what you have to offer each other because your happiness isn't dependent on status. And, as most relationships do, when you break up, you don't walk away empty handed. You still have your own identity and your own value.

People will often say "if you're not happy outside a relationship, you won't be happy in one, either." It's a true statement, but I'm not sure it's a very well-explained statement. It certainly does little to make you feel better when someone says it, and it's a bit of a platitude the way it's often used. Hopefully understanding a little more WHY this is true is helpful as you move forward.

I'm not going to tell you NOT to pursue a relationship. I don't think that's the solution. You should if that's what you want. But be sure you're not pursuing a relationships for your happiness. Relationships are ongoing exchanges between individuals. You cannot be held responsible for her happiness any more than you can hold her responsible for yours. But perhaps your interests and values overlap at some point, or perhaps you have complementary or similar life goals you can work towards together. But don't be fooled into thinking that's what's going to make you happy. It really is true if you are unhappy NOT in a relationship, being in one isn't going to help. Get into a relationship for the wrong reasons and you'll be much unhappier.

If you need to get into a bad relationship and experience that for yourself, more power to you. I wouldn't test it, myself. But do try to get at the REAL root of your depression and low self-esteem before seeking joy in a relationship. If you get into a relationship and this is a work in progress, fine. I've got no problem with that. But defo ADDRESS it rather than counting on the relationship itself to fix it for you. It won't. I'd like to see you do better than that, and I believe that you can.