Tawaki wrote:
NT s get treat this way too.
You may have had a special relationship with your aunt, but no one else may have saw it that way. It happens a lot. If your sisters weren't listed as family in the obituary, then you wouldn't be either. Obituary notices are expensive around here. It would be decedent listed, spouse, children (sometimes not even step children), decedent's immediate siblings and their spouses. That's it. You and your sister would not be in the obituary.
Right now your family is worrying about the aunt's brother and spouse because of all the things the remaining they must do. It's not about you right now. You aren't considered immediate family.(niece). This uncle and aunt, right or wrong, calls all the shots. That's a big burn when you are close to the person that died.
In a perfect world, the uncle and aunt would include you in the planning/decision making because you were important to the her. Maybe they just want to get sh*t done because they have limited time off of work. Maybe they didn't like this sister and want to get all this over with. Maybe they are wrapped up in their own grief trauma and can't see anything but that.
Your own family maybe cold to you because all their spoons are being used up dealing with the brother and the spouse. You are legally a tertiary satellite in this situation, so it's not that your grief isn't important, but there are more pressing things to do. They maybe more worried about how to pay for funeral expenses etc.
About flowers and cards. Where I live, unless I truly knew you had that special of a relationship, I would send flowers to the brother's family. It's a group gift to all the family. The same with cards. That's sort of the default. It really sucks to feel ignored. Lean on your friends for support. They can give you the individual attention you need.
I'm so sorry for your lose. Your aunt must have been an extra special person. Don't waste your angry energy on the family that is ignoring you. Death/funerals bring out the worse in people, being angry won't change them, and it only makes your stomach hurt.
Sending peaceful vibes your way... <3
Thanks for your posting and I have an update- My aunt and uncle saw me the last day they were in town after being super busy. They took a little side trip because they needed a break. Then we went out to dinner and instead of flowers and cards, I got a few things from the house. One of them is a Ukranian Doll that I just love and a photo of my grandparents. They just handled the arrangements like the obituary which turns out was written by my aunt a few years before she died. Actually, she was like a mom to me and that is why I was upset. Anyway, I decided to look for another opportunity to write another obituary because the one she wrote did not speak about who she was. So I took a lot of the details I remembered and wrote about it. Everyone loved it. I am also planning a special potluck with her clients and friends in a few months. As for my uncle, no they were very close to my aunt and they got along.
Anyway, I am talking to a therapist at the moment and then I will be joining a support group for grievers. Does anyone know what they are like and what I should expect?
17 Jan 2019, 8:59 pm
