I'm losing it

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I've had Autism for a very long time and in that time I've felt like I was climbing the world's tallest mountain, except it feels like I'm going down not up.
I have no friends, or boyfriends. In the past I attempted to make some friends but was never able to communicate with anybody particularly well. This proved to be a problem at work as well which led to me being bullied before I shortly left.

In the last year my health has began to deteriorate. I've always had aches and pains but in the last year they've worsened. My mental health is terrible. Mood swings. Insomnia and countless panic attacks and Crohn's Disease...
I feel like I'm going absolutely crazy!
I'm having dark thoughts as well, recently they come and go too frequently. I have no one else to turn to. I'm just alone and I fear my time on Earth is short. Don't think I can ride out this storm.

I assumed my aches and pains were normal, but this last year I've been having chest and shoulder pain and I've since been diagnosed with something really serious. I don't think I'm going to beat this, I'm so weak physically and mentally

May you be well.
May you be happy.
May you be free of suffering,
And at peace.

Don't give up. Whatever happens try to live your life as much as possible as the way you'd like. Sod everyone else. You are you, and that should be enough.

I hate this world because it makes people like you suffer.

Don't give up.

It might be good for you to have someone during these times.

You might lean on the following people:
Your parents or siblings.
Your pastor, priest or rabbi.
When my mom was very sick, they set her up with hospice care. They provided her volunteers that would visit her and help her through the really rough times.
And then you have the collective knowledge of those on this board. Generally we are too far away to personally hold your hand but our spirit is there with you.

Dani92,
I can sympathize about your lack of friends and having been bullied on the job. I've been down both of those rocky roads. But unfortunately they depend on other people which we have no control over.

Regarding your physical situation I can make a recommendation. You sound as tho you may be sensitive to a number of things, not only the foods you eat but other things like soap or shampoo you use, places you go, your bedroom environment, among many other things. I have had reactions to such things and they manifested in insomnia. And when you don't sleep, chronically, many different things begin to happen, both physical and mental.

I suggest you keep records of what you eat and when, and as much else as you can that you come in contact with. Remember that what you put on your skin is absorbed into your system so that needs to be recorded as well. If you need to apply lotion for rough hands or feet, for example, do so in the morning (so it can be processed and eliminated by bedtime) and keep track of it in your records.

The objective is to get more and better sleep. And as we say here repeatedly, if you are not taking an antidepressant, please see your doctor (a general practitioner will do) and get him to write a prescription for one. The antidepressant is to reduce your anxiety and a decent night's sleep is near impossible when you are so anxious. If you are taking one, then you probably know what I'm talking about.

Do what you can to clean up your diet and eat healthy while you keep your records. Once you begin to have some successes you will see what I am talking about and be motivated to continue.

I hope these help. PM me back if you have questions.

Try and focus on one problem at a time, not the "big picture". Autistic people often have problems focusing on multiple things at once but are often very good at hyper-focusing on one thing.

I do not know your serious medical condition but it seems to involve a lot of pain. Chronic severe pain can be often controlled by a pain management regiment. If you feel physically better it will help you mentally.

When I feel like I am losing it and can't take anymore, I try to think of it as experiencing a severe thunderstorm with high winds, lightning, thunder, hail, tornadoes touching down around me. All I have to do is hang on till the storm is over. I don't know if this perspective would be helpful for you, but it has helped me.

(((Dani)))

Thanks IstominFan

I take a lot of inspiration from WP members with serious health or personal problems. Just the fact that they keep on going, is inspiring. Some members who give me this feeling are:

Raleigh
EzraS.
ASPartOfMe
SocOfAutism
blazingstar

and there are others. None of these people are trying to be inspirations, they just are.