I hate Asperger's and I want to kill myself

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Thanks for all your posts here everyone, they are all helpful. Sometimes I just have to come on WP and pour my heart out when something has bothered/upset me. It usually helps. And I do love reading the replies people give.

I just felt downhearted the other day. It seems that everybody around me has had that experience of being in a big crowd of friends that they are not forced to mix with, they made these friends themselves. My boyfriend said he was born shy, and suffered terrible shyness as a little kid, but when he was a teenager/early 20s he did a lot of things with a large group of friends. I just will never know what it feels like to be included in a decent group of friends - without feeling left out in the group. Once upon a time I did have a group of friends I'd met at college, and we'd meet up on Saturdays and hang out, and for about a year I did feel included, like I was part of something. But some of them just lost touch and got in with another crowd, and the remaining ones started to bully me, accusing me of flirting with their boyfriends, and then threatening to beat me up. So obviously I kept away from them after that.

Some things that happened in childhood still make me feel hurt to this day. When I was 10 I had an operation on my ears and nose, and I had a week off school. When I came back, I felt a little ill at playtime (it was raining so we couldn't go outside) and the teacher supervising the class sent me to an empty quiet computer room to sit with a drink of water (there was a comfy sofa in there). She sent another girl to go with me and sit with me so that I wouldn't be lonely, but when we got there the girl asked me if I wanted someone else to sit with me instead of her. I said no, but the girl didn't really want to sit with me, so she insisted she'd get someone else to, and she went off to get a girl who was supposed to be a closer friend of mine. But this one came storming into the room, yelling at me, "you're such a fussy Fred aren't you?" and sat down in a huff. I told her to just go back into the classroom and carry on playing, so she did. I just sat there on my own, feeling like nobody cared. I could imagine that if that was any of the other girls who had returned to school after an operation and she still felt a bit weak or sore, I bet one or even more of the other girls would WANT to sit in the quiet room with her, even if it meant giving up their playtime. I know I would be delighted to keep a friend company if they were feeling ill.

Things like that have been happening all my life, not just in childhood. I would give a few more examples, but this post would be too long. I've always felt unimportant to people, and I do take it personally because I know they wouldn't treat other people like that. It's just me, because I have this Asperger's, I suppose. So this is why I am afraid of organising a social event for me, in case people think that I'm not worth enough to give up their precious time for, but they'd jump at the chance of attending somebody ELSE'S party.

its good to know u feel better. now to essense. its not about YOU being unimportant or smth. its about some people just not caring for others. for them, only important person is themselves. and while u could consider them friend, they could also call u that, but not feeling this "want to make them feel better"thing. not because smth off with u - bc smth is terminally wrong with THEM. i've had a lot of that s**t too. dont take it personally, please.

I would suggest to anyone including myself to try to put a simple plan in place. Do something small that you know is good for you. Choose something not too difficult but a little difficult. Do not let emotion take over because then thought can go crazy. Emotion and reason need to work together. When thought and emotion are not fragmented, intelligence becomes the director. Then there is a grounded three tiered clarity.

Me too. Sorry you feel that way, it’s awful. I can’t tell you how to feel better. But know you aren’t alone.

Just a quick update:

My cousin's party was last weekend and none of her friends turned up, only family did. Bea Arthur was right.

By the way I am not 'happy' because of it. I do feel comforted that I'm not the only one in my family with very few friends, but I'm NOT gloating or jumping with joy. I was actually disappointed for her, although she didn't seem to care. She was just happy to have family there.

I can relate. Of my cousins and siblings, I feel the least. And none of them have the learning disabilities and chemical depression. Sometimes we just roll snake-eyes.

Having lots of friends sounds great, and probably is great...but it sounds emotionally exhausting,as well.

You sound very intelligent. I'm glad you got these feelings out of your stomach and onto the forum when you did. From the responses, you've made a positive impact. Please take care of yourself.


hugs

thanx for the update. and ya, ur reaction shows u as a decent, empathic person