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Lovehim01
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30 Jan 2019, 11:19 pm

I’m completely new to a relationship with someone who will not accept that he has Aspergers. I love him. I am struggling with his lies and his inability to have difficult discussions. I am always wrong regardless of how much he hurt me and he refuses to speak to me for days. My heart aches. I want so desperately for him to just hear me - listen to how I feel. Just listen. If he doesn’t want to hear me - he yells - finds some way to say I’m blaming him or that I want to fight with him even though I say to him repeatedly that I just want to talk - calmly. I just want to have a discussion. He will not do it. My heart is broken. I’m feeling like I am worthless-disposable to him. Do I ignore his ugly behavior and love him unconditionally never drawing attention to his lies and the hurtful things he does to me??



kraftiekortie
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31 Jan 2019, 12:09 am

What made you love him in the first place?



Magna
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31 Jan 2019, 12:42 am

What does he lie about? Can you give more details on when and how he was diagnosed?


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"There is no love of living without despair of life." - Albert Camus

"Ain't nothing but a stranger in this world
I'm nothing but a stranger in this world" -Van Morrison

AQ-43 (32-50 indicates a strong likelihood of Asperger syndrome or autism).
EQ-14 out of 80
Rdos: Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 173 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 39 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)


Lovehim01
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31 Jan 2019, 1:30 am

I’d like to omit the details of diagnosis out of respect for him.
He lies about things of a sexual-cheating nature. He lies about a lot of things actually - made up stories and things that I’ve chosen to overlook. I accept his sexual behavior. I would just appreciate honesty and loyalty. Is that expecting too much from him?

As far as why I love him. He is him. I love his “quirks”. I love that he always places his hand on my knee in the car. I love that he is a gentleman. I love how he is so driven in his career. I love that now he will hold my hand. The more I have shown him patience the more open to new things and new experiences he has become. There was a lot he was unwilling to do and try prior to our relationship - but over time - together he will embrace new things. He can be very abrasive to others - I just saw something beyond his outward behavior. I chose to stand by him rather than running away because this journey has been difficult. Love - to me - is digging my heels in when it’s hard - because at the end of the day we are great together. I know he loves me - I just don’t feel respected or wanted.



rdos
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31 Jan 2019, 3:56 am

Lovehim01 wrote:
I’d like to omit the details of diagnosis out of respect for him.
He lies about things of a sexual-cheating nature. He lies about a lot of things actually - made up stories and things that I’ve chosen to overlook. I accept his sexual behavior. I would just appreciate honesty and loyalty. Is that expecting too much from him?


There are some odd sexual behaviors linked to autism that can be hard to handle. Their natural function is not about cheating though.



rdos
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31 Jan 2019, 4:07 am

Lovehim01 wrote:
I’m completely new to a relationship with someone who will not accept that he has Aspergers. I love him. I am struggling with his lies and his inability to have difficult discussions. I am always wrong regardless of how much he hurt me and he refuses to speak to me for days. My heart aches. I want so desperately for him to just hear me - listen to how I feel. Just listen. If he doesn’t want to hear me - he yells - finds some way to say I’m blaming him or that I want to fight with him even though I say to him repeatedly that I just want to talk - calmly. I just want to have a discussion. He will not do it. My heart is broken. I’m feeling like I am worthless-disposable to him. Do I ignore his ugly behavior and love him unconditionally never drawing attention to his lies and the hurtful things he does to me??


I think aspies natural conflict resolution is non-verbal, and so it is pretty hard for many of us to solve conflicts by talking about them. I've always wanted this to be handled mind-to-mind, and after actually having experienced how well it works mind-to-mind, I'm even more convinced that I always want it to be that way. That probably won't help you much, but I think it explains why it works so badly for you. You should try to find some alternative way to handle it rather than direct real-life discussions. It's possible it would work better if you used online means instead. Alternatively, you can tell him that you need to discuss some topic (make sure you let him know what it is so he can prepare himself), and then give him some time to think about it before you actually discuss it. If you cannot find a resolution, and things get aggressive or out of hand, give him more time to think about it and schedule another discussion later, and repeat until you are done.



Selcouth1
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31 Jan 2019, 4:18 am

Let's get this straight - he cheats on you, lies constantly and makes you feel unwanted and disrespected. Sounds like a great relationship. For him.



auntblabby
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31 Jan 2019, 5:28 am

I hope the OP can disenthrall herself with the one who is clearly mistreating her. there are much better men out there.



Piobaire
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31 Jan 2019, 5:51 am

RUN AWAY!
As evidenced by his behavior, he does not love you!.

You're unequivocally entitled to be treated with courtesy, consideration, and respect. Please reevaluate the criteria you're looking for in friends and lovers; and ask yourself why you would allow cruelty, dishonesty, gaslighting, selfishness and emotional abuse such as you describe to substitute for it. You deserve so much better.



hale_bopp
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31 Jan 2019, 6:07 am

Get out.

Trust me, I’ve been there. You think you’re happy but you’re in love with the idea of them, and how wonderful they would be if they didn’t do the hurtful things, not the abusive package they actually are.

That idea is not real. The sooner you realise the sooner you will feel happiness again.



smudge
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31 Jan 2019, 6:23 am

I agree with the others to leave. I've been there too with an aspie (minus the cheating, I think?) and he was miserable and blamed me for most things. That he's cheating on you as well...whether or not you think you deserve it, trust me, you need to get out.



Magna
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31 Jan 2019, 9:22 am

If he isn't good at communication and he's abrasive, in your opinion, what makes him attractive, a Casanova to other women? Something doesn't seem right.


_________________
"There is no love of living without despair of life." - Albert Camus

"Ain't nothing but a stranger in this world
I'm nothing but a stranger in this world" -Van Morrison

AQ-43 (32-50 indicates a strong likelihood of Asperger syndrome or autism).
EQ-14 out of 80
Rdos: Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 173 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 39 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)


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31 Jan 2019, 9:27 am

Lovehim01 wrote:
I’m completely new to a relationship with someone who will not accept that he has Aspergers...
Is this a real diagnosis or one that you made up?
Lovehim01 wrote:
Do I ignore his ugly behavior and love him unconditionally never drawing attention to his lies and the hurtful things he does to me??
Lies and abuse are not signs of love; therefor, he does not love you. Trying to "rescue" him from himself will only make matters worse. He's not worth your love. Drop him and find someone who will return your love.



Fnord
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31 Jan 2019, 9:28 am

Selcouth1 wrote:
Let's get this straight - he cheats on you, lies constantly and makes you feel unwanted and disrespected. Sounds like a great relationship. For him.
Your sarcasm is both noted and approved.

I wonder if she sees him as a "Wounded Bird" or a "Tortured Soul"? Either way, coming to his rescue is an exercise in futility.



Magna
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31 Jan 2019, 9:59 am

Fnord wrote:
Lovehim01 wrote:
I’m completely new to a relationship with someone who will not accept that he has Aspergers...
Is this a real diagnosis or one that you made up?


I'm stuck on this one too....


_________________
"There is no love of living without despair of life." - Albert Camus

"Ain't nothing but a stranger in this world
I'm nothing but a stranger in this world" -Van Morrison

AQ-43 (32-50 indicates a strong likelihood of Asperger syndrome or autism).
EQ-14 out of 80
Rdos: Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 173 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 39 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)