Things he did which were actually f****d up

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I need to lay all this out in a concrete way because I'm not someone who takes broad statements with abstract nouns and big words in them very seriously when it comes to how I actually feel emotionally. And I did like him and I did get aroused by him and I did really enjoy his company but...

1 competing with friends over sex and copying each other, either like cult leaders or like addicts
2 lying to me about knowing these friends but drop in enough insider knowledge that it's obvious right now he lied because these secrets are only coming out now
3 dividing the entire world into us and them or at least all of Scotland and stereotyping both and saying those stereotypes were always true.
4 Telling me secrets which I don't know how to handle and I still don't know how to handle them
5 promising semi-nude photos which we took were just for his sole use then sharing them with his friends so now I know at least one of his friends has seen them and I'm scared that stinky ned who I always felt repulsed by, which he knew, and who lived in our town saw them. The one guy I'm least attracted to in the world. Or another fat, repulsive bastard, same.
6 telling me 'I don't take no for an answer'. I mean I wanted him but that's some creepy crap right there and if it hadn't been for other things, if we'd have stayed together, there might have been a point where I didn't want something and I'm scared he wouldn't have listened.
7 He was poly and I wasn't allowed to be. He kept his infidelity secret and made me feel like the only one in the world that was his.
8 made it impossible to talk about this stuff
9 Making it so his friends called me 'his'.

Some of his friends hang about Celtic reserve matches so when I want to go to see those games, I see them still... I'm not giving up my hobbies or going to certain places for his sake, I don't fit the profile of an ideal victim anymore and I know how to be safe, it's just they're scum...

I'm just starting to realise this was all very f****d up. Joke is because I took a while to figure it out, people will think I'm a bad person or attention seeking or a traitor because it took being genuinely triggered to figure it all out. Everyone is so f*****g tribal and quick to talk or even joke when they don't really know what they're on about.

Thing is though I don't hate him 100% (emotionally, emotions and morals are different) and I'll probably end up deleting this. I'm losing sleep and hours out of my day about this stuff and I'm developing a very poor working memory.

There is an old saying that describe this. "You live, you learn".

I tried to look up the meaning on the internet but all I came across was the lyrics of a song by Alanis Morissette:

Oh, oh, oh
I, recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone, yeah
I, recommend walking around naked in your living room, yeah
Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)
It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)
Wait until the dust settles
You live you learn, you love you learn
You cry you learn, you lose you learn
You bleed you learn, you scream you learn
I, recommend biting off more than you can chew to anyone
I certainly do
I, recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any time
Feel free
Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)
Hold it up (to the rays)
You wait and see when the smoke clears
You live you learn, you love you learn
You cry you learn, you lose you learn
You bleed you learn, you scream you learn
I, I, oh, oh
Wear it out (the way a three-year-old would do)
Melt it down (you're gonna have to eventually, anyway)
The fire trucks are coming up around the bend
You live you learn, you love you learn
You cry you learn, you lose you learn
You bleed you learn, you scream you learn
You grieve you learn, you choke you learn
You laugh you learn, you choose you learn
You pray you learn, you ask you learn
You live you learn


I guess if there is a moral to the saying it is that if you learn something hurts, you will avoid making the same mistake twice.

That shouldn't make sense but it does.

Last time I met him, he was genuinely flirting with me...

It makes me paranoid about other people who flirt with me.