Intimacy issues...

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Sometimes I have a hard time with Intimacy, like I love my boyfriend and I do enjoy sex with him. But it seems like sometimes I just have no real sex drive at all....like I am not un-attracted or don't ever want to but seems sometimes I am just not in the mood for longer than I or my boyfriend would like.

I am not so sure what the issue is, like the other night we tried for sex and it just didn't work out but we got into a bit of arguing over it. Like he was feeling like I am not attracted to him anymore which isn't true...we had both drunk some and so perhaps that played a role. But either way kind of made me realize I do have some issues in that area, I think it largely has to do with some past experiences but I would like a way to move through that.

I think one factor could be past 'relationships' and a certain incident...like this first guy I dated the first year I attempted college. Well I was into him so I was just doing anything I could to keep him around(turns out he was really just in it for sex and uhh..dick sucking)...cause he kinda just ghosted me after a time. I feel dumb now because I didn't know what that was and after I hadn't heard from him a few days I just ran into him randomly. I actually talked to him as if we were still together and he just hadn't gotten back to me...wasn't till I was walking back to my dorm I kinda realized he hadn't intended to run into me and I was kind of an idiot for thinking he was still at all interested in me. One time also he dropped me off at wal-mart to go in and get condoms by myself and walk back to the car in sleety, freezing weather...he couldn't even be bothered to come in with me.

Then another time I befriended a male student that was quite a bit older than me. I was 19 and he was in his 30's we had talked before and he seemed like someone who could be a good friend and potentially offer advice...IDK just seemed like a cool person to interact with. Well one time he invited me to his on college housing to watch a couple movies...naive me certainly figured it was just hanging out to watch a couple movies. Then he pulled his dick out, guilt tripped me when I said I had just come over to hang out.....attempted to kind of muscle me into another room like he was going to force sex on me. And at one point I let him suck on my nipples because it seemed like maybe if I just did that I could leave without further harassment. So sometimes nipple action, maybe brings that back up...

Not sure I told my boyfriend about that incident or not, also I don't want to be held back by that...I like when my boyfriend interacts with my nipples so I don't want that as*hole I dealt with in the past to ruin it for me. But at the same time sometimes I can't handle it and not sure I've told my boyfriend why aside from just from time to time being grossed out by it which hurts his feelings.

That was a long post, but this has been on my mind for a while.

-idk for you
but i don't like anything breasts, it annoys me
it looks ...
(for how stupid i be on bodylanguage, eg SO says he's sleepy, then proceeds ten minutes in walking around acting sleepy, it's so strange to me, i understood what you said - it mostly angers me that you lay a obligation around that, and breast touching does the same, nothing, but annoy me)
... obliging by means of little effort

Well the thing is I don't dislike it over-all....just sometimes it bothers me, and that is the only reason I could think of as to why that would be. I mean a lot of times I enjoy that sort of stimulation, but from time to time its like too much or bothers me so I wonder if sometimes that triggers feelings of it not being a good thing due to that incident.

I guess I am kind of nervous about talking about it, because I don't want to imply any way that my boyfriend reminds me of that guy because he doesn't so I don't want to end up coming off like that. Just that particular activity may sometimes aggrevate the issue I mean logically I suppose he has to understand why there is an issue rather than worrying that he caused the problem.

talking about issues needs training by talking about them,
i think it gets more difficult the longer its postponed

I'm not sure what advise to give, but I can relate to the lower sex drive and intrusive thoughts/emotions etc at intimate moments.

It's taken me years to figure out why i react the way i do sometimes, but in a nutshell if my emotions are not in sync with the physical/intimate environment then I'm simply 'not in the mood' ...and attempts to ignore that reinforce the intimacy problem, which I done a lot of in the previous relationship.

I was open with my SO about the sexual trauma I've experienced in the past. He is on the spectrum so I've had to be very precise and that uncomfortable level of honesty has actually helped my libido. It's very safe for me to speak with him, there isn't any judgement or fear of an emotional reaction, we spoke about that too, before I could feel comfortable discussing these things so openly.

If your boyfriend knows that you have had intense anxiety related to trauma, (I think I am correctly recalling you discussing this before, apologies if I'm wrong) then I think it's likely he will understand this also and be open to the fact that it's not a reflection on how you feel towards him.