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leozelig
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07 Mar 2019, 11:08 am

Hello,

I seem to end up in situations where I am feeling good and a part of some interest group. Then I start to want to help more and I end up participating more than other people seem to want to. Until I am the only one making any effort and feel like other people are indifferent to my presence.

I was on a forum for a special interest of mine, stuff about spirituality, and I was very excited to see other people there that I could talk to. Now I ended up becoming very obsessive about the forum and I was on it every day. It was helping me a lot with loneliness just being able to read the threads and trying to give some information I knew about.

But then, I tried to start topics and found them being ignored, and other members would seem to start new threads with the same questions and get a bunch of feedback. It's kind of hard to not feel hurt by it and I am just trying to stay away from the forum because I feel so excluded there.

This has happened to me before with another forum I used to love participating in, but would never get any real interaction from people there too. And this happened to me with a support group I used to go to, in real life. Lots of women gave me their phone calls and although they did take my calls, only one of them sent me text messages to say hi to me. Out of like six or seven women.

I don't know what I am doing wrong, I make an effort to try to connect but it just always ends up feeling like other people cannot be bothered talking to me. Or they do it just to be nice but don't really seek out my friendship as much as I seek out other friends. It's so hard not to take this crap personally.



BrokenPieces
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07 Mar 2019, 11:51 am

leozelig wrote:
I don't know what I am doing wrong, I make an effort to try to connect but it just always ends up feeling like other people cannot be bothered talking to me. Or they do it just to be nice but don't really seek out my friendship as much as I seek out other friends. It's so hard not to take this crap personally.


All of what you said sounds a lot like what happens to me but especially this. ^^^

I generally leave groups or forums that I feel very excluded from, either for an extended period of time or entirely. It's hard not to take it personally when signs point to it being personal. I recommend maybe taking a break and then looking for another group that doesn't make you feel that way. Especially maybe another support group IRL if you're able to.



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07 Mar 2019, 1:47 pm

leozelig wrote:
How do you deal with feeling excluded?
I busy myself with reading science, science-fiction, and science-fiction role-playing game books. Sometimes I'll see who is on the ham bands or the CB radio. Other times, I'll just go for a walk or watch TV.



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07 Mar 2019, 2:06 pm

I don't really care if people exclude me on forums. I don't know them in real life and they have a right to respond or not. I care a lot more if I'm excluded in real life, which happens pretty often. I either break down completely and get upset with myself and think I'm a failure, or I just get more depressed. One way to deal with being excluded though is to find a group that doesn't exclude at all, some of which exist. I am currently in a friend group with many other autistic people that are not exclusive at all, for example, although it took a long time to find such a group.


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leozelig
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07 Mar 2019, 2:29 pm

BrokenPieces wrote:
leozelig wrote:
I don't know what I am doing wrong, I make an effort to try to connect but it just always ends up feeling like other people cannot be bothered talking to me. Or they do it just to be nice but don't really seek out my friendship as much as I seek out other friends. It's so hard not to take this crap personally.


All of what you said sounds a lot like what happens to me but especially this. ^^^

I generally leave groups or forums that I feel very excluded from, either for an extended period of time or entirely. It's hard not to take it personally when signs point to it being personal. I recommend maybe taking a break and then looking for another group that doesn't make you feel that way. Especially maybe another support group IRL if you're able to.

Thanks for your reply, yes I have been trying hard to stay off of it the last few days because I was getting too down about it while looking at it. I am going to try to do more stuff in real life again :)

Just was happy to find a new one only to end up turning out the way it usually does. I am going to look for a real life support group but there's hardly anything available for autistic adults, where I live.



leozelig
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07 Mar 2019, 2:33 pm

Fnord wrote:
leozelig wrote:
How do you deal with feeling excluded?
I busy myself with reading science, science-fiction, and science-fiction role-playing game books. Sometimes I'll see who is on the ham bands or the CB radio. Other times, I'll just go for a walk or watch TV.

Thanks those are all good ideas, and I have been trying to keep busy reading too, and just helping out more around the house. Taking walks outside helps me a lot too. I am going to see if I can find a new program to watch on tv.



Summer_Twilight
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07 Mar 2019, 3:20 pm

I usually end up in tears over a situation like that and especially when I want to join a conversation but I am told that the conversation is private. It also hurts whenever I see people making or talking about their plans right in front of me.

Recently though, I have learned that people like to play social games with other people which I am beginning to see as petty behavior such as in the above. I am have been following a great life coach online when people play these kinds of mind games to do things like

1. Invest your time in people who are interested in you and just be polite to the ones who are rude
2. If they have you on social media, take pictures of yourself having fun with those people and let them see you having fun with others.

Just last week though, I listened to Daniel Wendler, who is also on the spectrum at a conference with his friend and business partner who is an NT. What I learned is that we are not the only group to face exclusion. It turns out that a majority of members of the audience, who were not on the spectrum were not accepted at some point by others at one point or another. His perspective was to reach out to other people who are lonely and that's how he met his best friend during high school.



leozelig
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07 Mar 2019, 6:49 pm

Summer_Twilight wrote:
I usually end up in tears over a situation like that and especially when I want to join a conversation but I am told that the conversation is private. It also hurts whenever I see people making or talking about their plans right in front of me.

Recently though, I have learned that people like to play social games with other people which I am beginning to see as petty behavior such as in the above. I am have been following a great life coach online when people play these kinds of mind games to do things like

1. Invest your time in people who are interested in you and just be polite to the ones who are rude
2. If they have you on social media, take pictures of yourself having fun with those people and let them see you having fun with others.

Just last week though, I listened to Daniel Wendler, who is also on the spectrum at a conference with his friend and business partner who is an NT. What I learned is that we are not the only group to face exclusion. It turns out that a majority of members of the audience, who were not on the spectrum were not accepted at some point by others at one point or another. His perspective was to reach out to other people who are lonely and that's how he met his best friend during high school.

Hi Summer Twilight, thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. What you wrote about the social games sounds like how my family has treated me my whole life. They used to speak about me like I was not even there, and I was always watching their behavior towards me. I never really participated as it was hard for me to process in the moment, but I didn't forget their behavior. I don't have much contact with my family anymore except for holidays. I don't like them.

I have seen people acting this way in groups but I don't usually catch on until later on, once my mind has had time to process everything. When it's too late. I am going to read about Daniel Wendler now. I had not heard of him before.



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07 Mar 2019, 8:34 pm

Quote:
I don't know what I am doing wrong, I make an effort to try to connect but it just always ends up feeling like other people cannot be bothered talking to me. Or they do it just to be nice but don't really seek out my friendship as much as I seek out other friends. It's so hard not to take this crap personally.


I can relate to this, and yes it is hard not to be hurt by it. Personally I don't join internet forums, except for WP of course, and I've never really felt ignored or excluded here. But in real life I have, and real life rejection hurts me more than internet life rejection (except for Facebook).


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leozelig
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07 Mar 2019, 9:08 pm

Joe90 wrote:
Quote:
I don't know what I am doing wrong, I make an effort to try to connect but it just always ends up feeling like other people cannot be bothered talking to me. Or they do it just to be nice but don't really seek out my friendship as much as I seek out other friends. It's so hard not to take this crap personally.


I can relate to this, and yes it is hard not to be hurt by it. Personally I don't join internet forums, except for WP of course, and I've never really felt ignored or excluded here. But in real life I have, and real life rejection hurts me more than internet life rejection (except for Facebook).

I agree, real life rejection knocks me down for a long time. I think I haven't put effort into real life friendships because I am always the one setting up the plan. You're right I never felt excluded on this forum. I haven't been on it for a long time but sometimes I come back. :heart:



serpentari
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08 Mar 2019, 4:22 pm

if somebody doesnt want to talk to me, i am fine about not talking to them) i've had a lot of exclusion trauma in my life, and i guess i kinda grew a thick skin. i dont care any longer. im not 100 dollars to be liked by everybody)


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DanielW
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08 Mar 2019, 5:01 pm

The easiest way is to quote someone and ask them a specific question they might have an answer to. Or ask them to clarify a point that they made earlier.

People might not always respond, but some will. Usually, you just have to ask enough questions.



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11 Mar 2019, 8:30 am

leozelig wrote:
Summer_Twilight wrote:
I usually end up in tears over a situation like that and especially when I want to join a conversation but I am told that the conversation is private. It also hurts whenever I see people making or talking about their plans right in front of me.

Recently though, I have learned that people like to play social games with other people which I am beginning to see as petty behavior such as in the above. I am have been following a great life coach online when people play these kinds of mind games to do things like

1. Invest your time in people who are interested in you and just be polite to the ones who are rude
2. If they have you on social media, take pictures of yourself having fun with those people and let them see you having fun with others.

Just last week though, I listened to Daniel Wendler, who is also on the spectrum at a conference with his friend and business partner who is an NT. What I learned is that we are not the only group to face exclusion. It turns out that a majority of members of the audience, who were not on the spectrum were not accepted at some point by others at one point or another. His perspective was to reach out to other people who are lonely and that's how he met his best friend during high school.

Hi Summer Twilight, thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. What you wrote about the social games sounds like how my family has treated me my whole life. They used to speak about me like I was not even there, and I was always watching their behavior towards me. I never really participated as it was hard for me to process in the moment, but I didn't forget their behavior. I don't have much contact with my family anymore except for holidays. I don't like them.

I have seen people acting this way in groups but I don't usually catch on until later on, once my mind has had time to process everything. When it's too late. I am going to read about Daniel Wendler now. I had not heard of him before.


1. You and I are in the same boat as far as family goes in terms of communication and that's in terms of immediate family. Mine never left me out of the discussions, for me they would play these games where they would often whine about me contacting them because I live a great distance away right? I would contact them on special holidays and they would only have time to talk to me about 5-10 minutes and then something else would always be more important. There were other issues as well that I don't want to go into but I will mention that they just aren't healthy people to be around. So I stopped talking to them and I have been happier since

2. As for Daniel Wendler, he's wonderful and has lots of ins and outs of making friends. He has a couple of Ted Ex talks as well as some good books that I want to read.

I would also recommend Jennifer O'Toole



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11 Mar 2019, 9:33 am

I really don't effin care whether I'm "excluded" or not.

I always have YouTube to tide me over.



Summer_Twilight
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11 Mar 2019, 9:52 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
I really don't effin care whether I'm "excluded" or not.

I always have YouTube to tide me over.


I have elected to occupy my time with reading more, taking care of myself and enjoying myself



serpentari
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11 Mar 2019, 9:58 am

gj!


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sanity is a prison. insanity is doom. is there a third option, please?
beware the ire of the patient ones!
and if i walk away, who is gonna stay? i believe to make the world be a better place.