What is the eye contact etiquette when passing strangers?

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Map84
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04 Apr 2019, 2:11 pm

Hi,
I do make eye contact a decent amount nowadays. However I find it very disconcerting with strangers when they are walking past me, for example on a small street, if they smile or say hi then that's ok, but I'm left cold and puzzled by the ones that stare blankly into my eyes. I am able to hold this for a second before looking away, I don't know if they also look away, to me it feels like eye contact without a smile is like some sort of aggressive move? I'm in my 30s, it's most commonly guys that do this from 20-40, I'm unsure if that makes any difference?
I'm in /from the U.K., I spent some months in Croatia, where eye contact with a stranger on the street is respectful, I found this simple because its an easy rule to follow, I was told whilst there that many Brits and Americans find that unsettling, but I don't understand what it translates to here, in the western world when such a thing happens?
Maybe if I don't look at them then they don't look at me?


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04 Apr 2019, 4:50 pm

Map84 wrote:
Hi,
I do make eye contact a decent amount nowadays. However I find it very disconcerting with strangers when they are walking past me, for example on a small street, if they smile or say hi then that's ok, but I'm left cold and puzzled by the ones that stare blankly into my eyes. I am able to hold this for a second before looking away, I don't know if they also look away, to me it feels like eye contact without a smile is like some sort of aggressive move? I'm in my 30s, it's most commonly guys that do this from 20-40, I'm unsure if that makes any difference?
I'm in /from the U.K., I spent some months in Croatia, where eye contact with a stranger on the street is respectful, I found this simple because its an easy rule to follow, I was told whilst there that many Brits and Americans find that unsettling, but I don't understand what it translates to here, in the western world when such a thing happens?
Maybe if I don't look at them then they don't look at me?


I had to check your username to see if I had written this post, because I have the EXACT same problem as you! :)

I find it very difficult to make eye contact with passing strangers. I never quite know what to do. If I look at them quickly, I think that I might look twitchy/nervous, but if I force myself to actually look at them I feel like it might look like I'm staring. I know what self-conscious feels like, and so I don't want to go making other people feel self-conscious. So I tend to avoid eye contact altogether when passing a stranger, which still feels awkward because it's like I suddenly become conscious of where I'm looking, and don't quite know where to look. I feel like people might want me to look at them when passing, as most NTs (or those without social anxiety) seem to automatically make eye contact as they pass each other. I've noticed it when walking with an NT friend or relative.
What gets me is I often see passing strangers (particularly women aged between roughly 16-69) stare at me in my periphery. It disturbs me how people can stare at me when I'm not staring at them. So I'm even reluctant to look straight ahead as I pass somebody, because if I see them staring at me in my periphery I get even more frustrated.


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Map84
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04 Apr 2019, 5:12 pm

Joe90 wrote:

I had to check your username to see if I had written this post, because I have the EXACT same problem as you! :)
..

So I'm even reluctant to look straight ahead as I pass somebody, because if I see them staring at me in my periphery I get even more frustrated.


Well I'm glad it's not just me that seems puzzled by this!! :D

I totally get what you're saying, if you look past them there's that feeling (or peripheral vision) that they gawk anyway, and that's the worst. Saying that if I see one more blank face staring deep into my eyes I think I'll scream...Though that'd only make them stare more!! ! :lol:

I used to just stare at the ground, but I'm determined not to do that.


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04 Apr 2019, 7:54 pm

I dont have this problem because I find it hard to make eye contact. But on the odd chance I do look up and someone is staring at me, I find it deeply disturbing and I squirm.



enz
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04 Apr 2019, 8:43 pm

Maybe ignore them, if they say hi then look at them and say hi



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04 Apr 2019, 9:41 pm

I wear prescription glasses because of nearsightedness. I recently purchased a pair of prescription glasses with a blue mirrored coating. Since the glasses are not tinted, they are not like sunglasses because they let in quite a bit of light. It is like wearing one way mirrors. Therefore my eyes become invisible. As a result no one can misinterpret my intentions, they have to rely on what I say rather than what they perceive from looking at my eyes.

Wearing these seems to be acceptable in society. Blue is a friendly color. People seem to smile at me more.


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Map84
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05 Apr 2019, 1:07 am

Sarahsmith wrote:
I dont have this problem because I find it hard to make eye contact. But on the odd chance I do look up and someone is staring at me, I find it deeply disturbing and I squirm.


Yeah,I really don't like that, I'm able to force myself to look into eyes, and I loath the thought of them staring at me as I look away.


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Map84
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05 Apr 2019, 1:07 am

enz wrote:
Maybe ignore them, if they say hi then look at them and say hi

Ignore how though, look at the floor, look straight through them?


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05 Apr 2019, 2:07 am

I have the same issue. I asked one of my equally socially awkward friends and he said to look up and avoid locking eyes and just look up into the distance. It makes you seem unavailable to them and neutral at the same time. Then if you want to converse with someone make eye contact as you approach them.



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05 Apr 2019, 5:12 am

Depends on the culture. Where I'm from you should look at the person passing by in the eyes if she/he or you say hi. Also if the other person says hi you need to answer somehow, a nod will do too if you can't speak. Otherwise you can just ignore strangers.



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05 Apr 2019, 5:42 am

If a stranger says hello, I can make eye contact easily without no anxiety, and confidently say hello or smile back. But if I'm not looking at them to begin with, they're hardly going to say hello anyway.


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05 Apr 2019, 6:25 am

Stranger danger - don't make eye contact with them. Who knows what they're up to. Make eye contact, say hi and next thing they're asking you if you can spare some cash, or spare a cigarette, or if they can borrow your phone, or give them a ride. Then who knows what else they'll pull once they've sucked you in.



Map84
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05 Apr 2019, 9:17 am

Joe90 wrote:
If a stranger says hello, I can make eye contact easily without no anxiety, and confidently say hello or smile back. But if I'm not looking at them to begin with, they're hardly going to say hello anyway.


Yup, same (again) here Joe, it's clear what's normal and correct in that situation. If everyone did that(which in some small villages I've noticed they do) then that's just fine.
These people that are looking straight at my eyes though, I'm still unclear what to do, they don't appear to want to say hi? I get what you're saying Ezra, but most people don't want to beg my money or borrow my phone, presumably if they did they'd ask whether I said hi or not. Fyi I blend in pretty well I'd say, they're not looking at my blue hair and red eyes or anything like that.


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enz
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05 Apr 2019, 5:56 pm

Map84 wrote:
enz wrote:
Maybe ignore them, if they say hi then look at them and say hi

Ignore how though, look at the floor, look straight through them?


Look straight ahead



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09 Apr 2019, 1:31 pm

Sarahsmith wrote:
I dont have this problem because I find it hard to make eye contact. But on the odd chance I do look up and someone is staring at me, I find it deeply disturbing and I squirm.
Same here. I've always been too much in my own world to really notice things like eye contact. I also tend to look down but I do have a rare low vision disorder so that may partly be why I look down but IDK. It creeps me out too when I notice someone staring but it's very rare that I do. Others probably stare at me a lot more than I notice.


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11 Apr 2019, 1:20 pm

It's best to maintain indifferent (neutral) responses (actually no responses at all); that is avoiding any focus on specific person(s).

It's best to refrain from overthinking in these environments.