Does it help to tell people?

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Ok, as I was saying friends have generally been understanding, but I should add I was diagnosed late in life at 43, which didn't help me from losing alot of real and potential friends. And more than one job over the years. I have had to tell some people b/c since I basically can't work, I've had to apply for social security disability (basically the govt gives you money to live if you can't work). I'm on public assistance now and living in NYC we have as far as I know one of the best social safety nets in the US, but it still doesn't cover the bills for the whole month.

By contrast I have also told some people who were or are former friends (in my eyes) and their reaction is usually one of the following: apathy/ignorance often accompanied by discrimination and/or not helping you if you need some kind of understanding/accommodation, condescendingly treating you like a child or some sort of what I'll call aggression/using the info against you. I have tried to have an academic career also and this has bedeviled me since high school if not earlier. Again I didn't know before late 2016 but I was previously kicked out of graduate programs I was in b/c of problems related to the disability. Worse, the last program I was in, I told one professor who himself had a hearing disability about my situation and while he was somewhat accommodating, after a certain point, he continued to be a hardass about it. In addition I spoke to a senior administrator about this and her reaction was basically, maybe you should find another career. The school's mental health office did help me find a resource off campus that eventually did diagnose me (sorry I'm not describing these events in chronological order), but the school itself basically said there wasn't much they could do beyond give a student more time to complete their work. My main point in this is, ableism institutionally especially in the States is systemic, it's all over the place. And especially once you're an adult, there is still relatively little support for you here and some of those f****d up reactions I mentioned above are common as well. Until the law is changed at all levels of government this s**t will unfortunately continue, other than bandaid solutions popping up here and there.

To conclude, yeah tell people you can probably trust or if you really need to, take it from me trying to do this alone is impossible and will drive you over the edge if you try. But absolutely be selective and careful.

I'm really careful about who I "disclose" to.

Agreeing with what breaks0 said, if you are in the US (I am) then by all means, be guarded.

I didn't mention above but a lot of the intolerance of autism and people not thinking you're autistic because you don't "look" it comes our society being close minded about mental illness and neurodiversity. Also there is a stereotype of autism and people are familiar with that. If you don't fit into that mold, you can't be autistic. These people understand that mental health issues exist but most aren't willing to accept that it can happen to someone close to them.

They also know ASD exists but if it isn't an "extreme" case (the stereotypes of ASD if you will), then they figure you can't be autistic. And even though they know people with extreme mental illness (for example one of my uncles has been never been medicated for his schizo-affective disorder) they still hold them to the same standards as someone who isn't mentally ill. Same with ASD.

So, if you need to, and you know that they will try to be open minded and understanding, then tell them. But I haven't even told my parents for that very same reason, and we're very close. But if I tell them they won't believe me and that will just stress me out. I don't need that. Even if they accepted it, they would still hold me to the same standard of an NT person. I know because they do it now with my depression. I'd love to tell them but I know that isn't in my best interests.

Wow. Some people here have had some bad experiences.

I don't feel like I NEED to tell anyone, but I also feel a bit like keeping it a secret is a burden. Going to stay secretive for now, can always tell people later.

It's not so much how other people will react, it's just how I feel about it. I've always been embarrassed about it. I don't want people to think I have a "disability". And because I display no common autistic stereotypes, a lot of people probably won't even believe me if I did tell them. They'll be like "but you make eye contact", "but you can have a conversation", "but you're in a healthy relationship", "but you have empathy", "but you are bad at maths", "but you aren't geeky", "but you get jokes", etc etc. It's easier to just say, "I get anxiety and panic attacks, and I have ADHD". Then people are like "oh, yea...that does explain a lot."

I'm new to this, but to date I've only told two people:

1) my wife - who is accepting of it since she knew me long before my Dx and she says it doesn't change anything about how she feels about me. She liked me for me before and...she still likes me for me.

2) an old friend I keep in occasional contact with via email but have not seen in years. It was time to reach out to that friend anyway and also I had a legitimate question about something related to that friend's field of work. I first sent a basic "How are you?" Email to which the friend responded rapidly with a positive "Good to hear from you!" message. I sent a follow-up email bringing the friend up to speed about my life, I asked the friend the work related question and then told the friend about being diagnosed. That was about 2.5 months ago. No response and nothing in my spam folder nor was my email stuck in my outbox....

I told my trauma therapist, my ex-boyfriend who is still my close friend, two female friends, some cousins (online), and my MD. My ASD report was sent to all of my relevant medical files by the doctor who assessed me.

I haven't told my mother, my brother or my nephew. I would tell my brother and nephew but then it will get back to my mother who already shames my very existence. I don't need more of her rhetoric.

If I were married to someone or living common-law I would definitely tell them.

If I was diagnosed with Asperger's in adulthood like most other females are, I probably would tell people as soon as I got diagnosed, just like I told people when I got diagnosed with ADHD 2 or 3 years ago. But being diagnosed at only 8 years old just makes me see Asperger's in a different way, even as an adult. I suppose it's because when you're diagnosed at an older age it's an answer to all your issues you had, and you want to tell people. It's like a whole new thing to you. But being diagnosed as a little kid just made it feel like a label defining me, and I felt it had to follow me around everywhere I went, and the diagnosis didn't make the other kids understand me, in fact it made them fear me like I was contagious. And so I think that shame and embarrassment has stayed with me to this day.

If they thought that, they’re not worth your time, anyway.

I was diagnosed about 7 years ago and this question has always been on my mind. I really want to thank you for bringing it up. I really think it depends on who you tell and how/when you say it. I would love to be more open about it. I feel like I'm hiding this big secret and its really stopped me from fully expressing myself and being comfortable around other people. I would love to one day be completely open about it without any worries.

I have tried here and there to bring it up in different social situations where I thought it was necessary and all of them were bad expect for one instance. I was volunteering for a charity and I told my team leader because he had a lot of experience working with the public and a degree in social work and he was very accepting when I told him about my autism diagnosis. All of my other experiences have been terrible. When I would tell people I got asked a lot of really inappropriate questions afterwards and people started to behave awkward around me. I really think it depends who you are telling it to and why in my opinion. It may also depend on other factors such as where you live as I have met and heard about people who are very open about this and seem to have more positive experiences than myself.

I also really agree with a lot of the other responses on this thread that it may also have to do with negative stereotypes being so apparent these days and things like Autism "Awareness" day making it difficult. I was actually misdiagnosed with ADHD about 10 years ago and I generally found it easier to tell people about it and have very open and accepting dialogue with other people about ADHD for some reason. Talking to people about ASD for me has been a whole different experience. Even my interaction with medical and mental health professionals has been so different, in a bad way, since I got this diagnosis. I generally don't expect much from people in my personal life to really accept it or take the time to understand it for whatever reason.

I'm not sure if you will ever encounter what I have. I just recommend it be something you carefully think about first before disclosing. I definitely think it can be helpful to tell people in certain situations as I have seen people have success with this, but for me personally it was never overly helpful. I hope one day people become more accepting of autism and more open to discussing it in honest and meaningful ways.

Yes, people who do charity work are more likely to be accepting, as well as social workers and teachers who you would expect to be knowledgeable the subject. Or anyone who works with people on the spectrum day all the time.

Where I'm from even the so-called experts think of autism as a less sever form of mental retardation so I figure I have nothing to gain by telling most people. They'll just be confused cuz I'm not like Rain Man. People do notice that I'm awkward thou but they just don't know the real cause.

Today I met a new doctor I'd never met before. He was a maxillofacial surgeon, for my tight jaw (grinding) (tinnitus) (migraine). I wrote on the intake form that I am autistic but he didn't mention it once in the meeting. I didn't know whether that was good (e.g., he didn't doubt it, challenge it, make a big deal of it), or whether it was an oversight (e.g., maybe he should have talked about repetitive motions and stimming, and its effect on my jaw) ?

sadly many ppl, who should be educated on us, are having white fields. so might be oversight. like, a psychologist/psychiatrist knows stuff about us, but more general/physical aspected medics often dont...