How Do You Know if You're In Love?

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StarTrekker
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15 Apr 2019, 11:41 pm

As I've mentioned here before, I'm asexual, with no real interest in a physical relationship with anyone, but I'm confused about romance. I used to think I was aromantic and didn't know what romantic love felt like, but I'm looking back on some of my relationships and wondering if what I experienced/am experiencing is love.

To illustrate, I have a friend who I've known for close to three years now. In that time I've always felt a strong attachment to her (yes, she's female, which only makes my situation more confusing). I like going out of my way to spend time with her in a way that I'm just not interested in with anyone else. It makes me happy to be around her, and I'm sad when we say goodbye. Generally speaking, I'm not a hugely physically affectionate person, but I can hug her and hold her hand and just be in close physical proximity to her all day long and feel really good about it. Her roommates are moving out next month and she's invited me to live with her, which we've both wanted for years. She's the only person I would actively enjoy living with; if I couldn't be with her, I'd rather live alone. So how can I tell if I'm in love or if that's just what good friends feel for each other?


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magz
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16 Apr 2019, 1:49 am

You probably can't tell.
I mean, human relationships form a multidimensional continuum with just a few names to some kinds of them. You may be in a kind that does not really have a name.
What counts is, you feel good with each other.


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kraftiekortie
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16 Apr 2019, 5:56 am

I think you dig her, in your own way. Perhaps romantically. Do you feel any sort of sexual feeling in her presence ?

Maybe you feel a sort of “good, funny” feeling?

You want to live with her; that’s a sign right there.

Has she flirted with you sexually? She might expect more than Platonic Romance.



RightGalaxy
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16 Apr 2019, 9:03 am

Maybe this is something you have to ask her. You and her have to explore and talk about your "feelings" with each other. If you post such a thing, you might get confusing messages. :D A lot of people on this site mean well but they misconstrue LOTS!! ! Sometimes with the exception of maybe 3 or 4 people who post here, a lot of the advice given out about emotional topics is really, really bad and somewhat convoluted. I don't mean to insult anyone. I'm just being honest.



RightGalaxy
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16 Apr 2019, 9:10 am

magz wrote:
You probably can't tell.
I mean, human relationships form a multidimensional continuum with just a few names to some kinds of them. You may be in a kind that does not really have a name.
What counts is, you feel good with each other.


YES!! Also, there's a "possibility" that you may be interested in the sexual parts of a relationship with this particular individual. Maybe your mate isn't sexual either. You and her have to find this out - you can't expect people here to make guesses about it. It's not a superficial thing like, "What socks shall I wear today?" It's a heartfelt matter. Sex isn't everything. It is what it is. Some people like to call it an expression of love. It's a small one though even if two people love one another. There's much, much more to love.



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16 Apr 2019, 9:32 am

StarTrekker wrote:
How Do You Know If You're In Love?
• Arguing with your love-interest makes you love him/her even more.

• Every thought and feeling you have revolves around your love-interest.

• With reference to your love-interest, your passions go out of control.

• You become intensely interested in whatever your love-interest is interested in.

• You believe that out of all the 7.5 billion people in the world, your love-interest is totally unique – he or she is “The One”.

• You believe that the emotions you feel are the same emotions that your love-interest is feeling.

• You believe that your love-interest can do nothing wrong.

• You fantasize about a future together with your love-interest.

• You feel that you own your love-interest and demand an exclusive relationship with him/her.

• You have an intense desire for a direct emotional union with your love-interest.

• Your emotional state is erratic and "all over the map".


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kraftiekortie
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16 Apr 2019, 9:42 am

I don't see anything wrong with the advice that I gave.....

I felt like I was pretty "direct," rather than "convoluted."



IsabellaLinton
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16 Apr 2019, 10:07 am

The beauty of any relationship is its mystery. You don't need to define or label your feelings, because they will grow and change over time.



Antrax
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16 Apr 2019, 7:07 pm

On some level what you call your feelings doesn't matter. Your feelings are what they are regardless of what you label them.

A unified definition of love doesn't really exist. What Fnord describes as being in love is how some people might feel about it, but not others. My personal definition of love is when you are willing to make significant personal sacrifice for another's well being than you love them. For context, I've never felt romantic love, only familial love.

I think the most important thing is that you and her know what your relationship is. If you do have to discuss your feelings with her, I'd stick away from the word "Love" as if you and her have different definitions it could cause a lot more harm than good.


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Last edited by Antrax on 16 Apr 2019, 7:40 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Fnord
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16 Apr 2019, 7:11 pm

Antrax wrote:
... What Fnord describes as love...
What I described were common symptoms of "being in love", not love itself. Also, the list I provided is not an all-or-nothing description. Instead, the more symptoms you have, the more likely you are of "being in love".

Gach! I wish people would actually read my posts before they reply to them!


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Antrax
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16 Apr 2019, 7:43 pm

Fnord wrote:
Antrax wrote:
... What Fnord describes as love...
What I described were common symptoms of "being in love", not love itself. Also, the list I provided is not an all-or-nothing description. Instead, the more symptoms you have, the more likely you are of "being in love".

Gach! I wish people would actually read my posts before they reply to them!


Imprecise language on my part noted and corrected. I see I'm going to have to take great technical care with my language on this site.


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RetroGamer87
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22 Apr 2019, 11:10 pm

StarTrekker wrote:
How Do You Know If You're In Love?

Decide for yourself. Make a judgement call.


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BrokenPieces
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22 Apr 2019, 11:30 pm

It's possible to feel romantic feelings either gender without having sexual feelings for them. Also there's romantic friendship or passionate friendship. A romantic friendship is one of emotional and physical intimacy but does not involve a sexual relationship or feelings. This sounds more like what you described to me.

That's how I am with my two best friends - one male, one female. I'm totally in love with my male best friend. He's like my twin. But my feelings for him aren't sexual at all. Still, I don't think I'll ever love another person more than him.

Although I'm also ace, so I never want to have a sexual relationship with anyone. But that doesn't mean you can't experience romantic feelings - romance can be related to sexual attraction but it's not a requirement.



Kitty4670
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25 Apr 2019, 9:16 pm

I’m confused, is being in love real?


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Dan82
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25 Apr 2019, 9:37 pm

Maybe really idiosyncratic, but to me romantic love feels like it kind of moves up through my solar plexus, where friendship or familial love is more stationary or downward.