suicidal but wanting to live

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Just joined this forum as I'm desperate to find a useful way of managing my obsession with suicidal thoughts. Now present every waking minute for 6 years, despite all manner of treatments. Even got convicted for trying to throw away bad thoughts on the internet and sentenced for "implied threat of suicide". Came off bike trying to help with exercise and run over unconscious for 3 weeks and now disabled.
See psychologists/ psych every week for 2 hours but getting worse.
Family very good but it is destroying us all
Meds no help
ECT no help
Any ideas??

getting suicidal once in a month or 2, i can relate. ideas? well. nothing that makes it go away once and for all. my dear ones struggle with it, with me, a long time. getting me out of it again and over. its like well, walking with our arms all interlocked, and if 1 falls others pick him/her up. and then there is next fall. and i fall a lot.

Welcome to Wrong Planet.

You said you've felt this way for six years and that you had an accident. Was the accident six years ago or since then?

How were you before six years ago?

Suicidal thoughts can be quite comforting as they can allow (I find) the person to feel more in control therefore leading to less anxiety leading to a more positive outlook. I think it's significant that you did not merely say you do not want to die but that that you want to live.

I had my first suicidal thoughts at the age of eight, the hardest thing has been not being able to talk honestly about the feelings but I have with time learnt to accept them as a natural part of me. I have light and I have dark.

Its all getting worse. My accident was last year just before I was due in court for actions to prevent suicide

Did something change six years ago (is that when you were diagnosed)?

Yes I was scammed out of much of my savings $500,000

losing that amount of money must be terrible. but well. i can say 1 thing. every time it seems like the end of the road, every time it looks like there is no tomorrow, every time i think im better off dead, it allways turns out wrong. and then the next dip comes. and goes.
when the road is too long to follow,
when the pain is too much to swallow,
when it seems there is no tomorrow,
just hold on. just carry on.
i've lived in a mode of "okay, okay, stop nagging me, i stay for 1 more day. okay, 1 more day. wait, its next week? wait, its next season?"
there was somebody in my way to no more sorrow. every time. and most of the time that somebody was few same people. who placed themsevles in my way. who would distract and derail me untill the call started getting weaker. untill there started be days, when i wanted to see the next dawn. because it allways comes.
every night has it's end, even a polar one.
just stay.

The last few weeks Have been really terrible though as I am getting worse every day and am now major anxiety. Can't even leave the house. And I am a doctor. Very frightened

What, exactly, are you scared of?

Sometimes, verbalizing one's fears could help.

That's pretty darn good that you're a doctor. I wish I could have gone to medical school.

it will pass. u have a will to live yet. and a resolve to come for help. some of us didnt. i didnt.
look. if u just need to talk about problems u cant out in public, my pm is open.
i am not in the best of my shape, having just gone to zero like a week ago, but i will do everything i can for u, and i mean it.
i was in medical training before my health f****d up and deprived me of sense of life. i can put a peg on ur feelings there.
it will pass for u. it will. u just need help, and i am offering what i can do. even if its not much.

I've been waiting 6 years for it to pass, but it has been getting steadily worse. Every waking minute now for years. Anyone in the UK here.

I've upset all my family with this. I think they are expecting me to end it., but that will be terrible

david, u need to find what exactly causes suicidal ideation. i know mine. it still hits at times but it hits that much weaker. because i know what happens to me, now. before i did, i was so deep i'd never even talk about it. well talked to 1 person, once, and then that person backstabbed me. nvm that.
there is a lot of self-discovery to do, to defeat or at least keep at bay the suicide. to start believing in tomorrow. u need to talk about it. talk to somebody exactly when u feel like dying. because when u dont, when u are in a fighting mode, u dont exactly remember. mind plays tricks on itself, covering the pitfalls in mist when u are not in them. so u need to write notes exactly when u are there. for the visible is real, but invisible is ethereal.

It's good that you're talking to us.

But it would also be good if you sought out an objective therapist.

There are many people from the UK on this Site.

I see therapists every week for 2 hours. Have done for years, but they don't help. In fact their report got me introuble with the police as they informed the police of my thinking. Hygien bad, don't watch TV now, just posting on blogs like this and phoning people, to try and stay alive

I'm glad at least you want to live. That's a plus.

Aside from what your therapists think, what do you think would be a solution to your problems?

Have you ever read the work known as "Allegory of a Cave?" I think this might apply here. Maybe you just have to do it in "baby steps."

There are people here who would be good for you to talk to. Because they are taking "baby steps," too. They believe that's the only way they will get better. Not doing things "suddenly."

Maybe set small goals each day. Like getting in the shower in the morning. And doing nothing else. Then doing something else each day, or each week, in addition to the shower.

i honestly dont believe in therapists. david, just. when u feel a wave is coming, shoot me a pm. write ANYTHING u need to write. i am not a f*****g therapist. i am not even in same country with u. i dont know ur real name. i cant harm u. but maybe i can help. and the maybe is worth every effort. just do it and dont be afraid, because u need it and i am ready. i will be afk for like up to 90 mins now, things tbd. then i will be back and here for u.