I've deleted these kinds of posts so far 6 times because I don't know where to post them, if they make sense, or how to get help for it. Those, as well as the problem itself, are infuriating.
Basically, I struggle with having the technical half of my brain line up with the passion part, as weird as that sounds. I've struggled with this for about 6 years now. My brain can excel at writing music, and playing music, but not writing music that I want to play. I can't seem to combine technical composition skill with passion and desire that burns me inside (that's the bet way I can describe it).
I simply can't compose, and by this point I'm capable of writing down pieces but it is never what I want, never what my brain makes it sound like. Just always wrong. I'm wondering if I should try to figure out if I have some disability that is not just AS. The frustration, after about 6 years of failure, is actually bad enough to cause me to just shut down entirely and I can't do this daily like I used to be able to.
In short: I can't write what I want. I can't get my internal thoughts to line up with the world's limitations. It is frustrating, hellish, and painful because I cannot express what I really want to write. I have this problem with all "artistic" fields, though painting and design are very slightly easier because you can change it as you go, but I have the same difficulty with being unable to get anything from inside my head outside.
30 Apr 2019, 4:49 am
