the loneliness in balance/social in balance

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i need to be alone often to survive, to retain my energy and too prevent me from getting too anxious at social events. long term socialising has always just put me in a state of complete fear of people and often myself. its not being alone thats the issue. its the feeling of loneliness that comes along with needing to be alone. once the feeling of loneliness begins, i begin to fantasies social encounters with the few friends i have left, usually imaginary versions of them, building a vast landscape of unrealistic encounters and expectations for myself and others for the real world. then when real life social events happen rarely after being alone, i am left in a realm of complete confusion and loss when the fantasies don't come to life. my friends have brought up that "im not easy to talk too", which is true. however the root of it itself is an in balance of loneliness and wanting to belong. people around me seem to be able too naturally move on to new things and people whereas i seem to have accidentally stuck on the same mental scenario/loneliness in balance for 3 years.

positives of being alone: solitude allows you to retrieve lost ability when intense fear is provoked by socialising.
negative of being alone: the feeling of loneliness that comes along with being alone. (creating an unhealthy cycle.)

the very idea of me posting this is bringing up questions such as "is there a point in me trying to explain myself?" and "what will people think of me after seeing this?", further questioning my place in the world.

The world is divided into introverts and extroverts. Your description indicates that you are an introvert. Many Aspies are introverts. You gain your energy by being alone. Extroverts gain their energy and recharge their batteries by being with someone. They bounce off from one person and then another in a conversation and shortly their batteries are recharged. Now the point I might try and convey is that about half the people in the world are introverts and half the world's population are extroverts. Socializing is the extrovert's world, not the introvert's world. Therefore if you want to get closer to someone, you might seek out introverts, there are many, many of them.

then i am something in-between, because i have different needs at different times. i can want to hide from one (friend) person and be with another (because their communication is different and i can have trouble with 1). i can want to hide from everybody. i can want to see all my friends in turns and ideally so they all talk to each other too. i can even want to meet a stranger. all depends on my current state of mind and amount of spoons available.

back to topicstarter question - i solved problem of balance by just explaining myself to my friends, so they know enough about how my brain works, to be able to deal with it. and ya, the choice of friends in the first place - very open-minded, compassionate and fast-learning individuals. as to "stranger" encounters, i just somewhat expect it to go wrong. in that case i dont get broken expectations. SNAFU - "situation normal, all f****d up". and when it does NOT go wrong, my expectations are exceeded and i feel joy. try that)