Frustrated with oldest son

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I have a 16 year-old son diagnosed with Asperger's. He is relatively high-functioning, very intelligent, but has issues with executive function (forgets to turn in schoolwork, gets lost because his head is in the clouds, tends to be lazy). I was looking for advice on how to get him more socially involved and to improve his interactions with others.

We homeschool, and I have always felt I need to entertain the boys (he has a younger brother) by finding them activities. But my oldest has very few interests

He won't play sports and has no interest in athletics (I force him to exercise in the gym)
He has no interest in girls
Not much interest in music, and certainly won't dance. Concerts? He will go if someone suggests it maybe
No interest in cars

The only thing he likes to do is play video games and surf the web. Not even MMOs where you use teamspeak and connect with others--stuff like minecraft or solo games. He does like to post on reddit.

He has ONE friend, and since he is homeschooled, it makes it tough. He has been putting a lot of pressure on this one friend

I tried to get him into collectible card games by taking him to meetups, casual tournaments, etc. --he wasn't into it.

He likes to play D&D, but only if he can run the game

Unless we schedule something, he will sit in bed on his tablet literally the entire day. He might read some books as well, but he has no initiative to go out and engage with the world

I'm sure other parents here have dealt with similar situations, so I was looking for some advice on this. I just can't can't get this kid out of the house

This is a tough one.

Where are you located? I'm thinking about how autistic people like water. How would he feel about going swimming in a lake, stream, river, or the sea?

Just one idea----out of possibly many.

we are in a western suburb of Chicago

I wish he liked swimming lol --he might go to a water park on occasion, but other than that, he has no interest

You might be near O'Hare. Does he like planes?

My late father lived in Streeterville, Chicago.

That is a hard one. He is 16 years old and will be 18 in two more years or less. You might begin by asking him what he will do when he turns 18 and becomes a legal adult? Ask him what he wants to be when he grows up? You said he is academically bright. Has he thought about going to college. What will he major in? Ask him if his strengths and weaknesses match his chosen career field? Will that career path pay enough for him to be independent? Ask him how he will pay for his college? Will he try and obtain a scholarship? Will he work and pay his way through college?

From my perspective, it would be important for him to be working a part time job or even a volunteer job at his age. Sure he may fail, but there is knowledge to be gained even in failure. It will help to establish a good work ethic that will serve him well in later life.

Whatever career path he chooses, I would try and get him some on-the-job training or mentoring in that field. When my daughter was in 2nd grade, I asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up. She thought about it and the next day said she wanted to become a doctor. When she was 13, I arranged for her to volunteer in a nearby hospital for 2 summers as a Pink Lady. In any profession, there are good attributes and bad ones. By being with the people in that professions he can get a feel for that profession before he enters college.

Also as an Aspie, I do enjoy nature. If the expense is not too great, perhaps spending part of the summer in a camp with hiking, swimming, horse back riding etc. might give him a perspective of the joys of the natural environment.

thanks for the replies and insights

he volunteers at the Humane Society and does dog walking, and he enjoys that (loves animals). He also likes to walk and hike.

It's tough because my youngest son, who is also on the spectrum, loves sports. So he makes friends through soccer. He also loves chess, and one friend comes over to play with him.

when I ask the oldest what he wants to do with his life, be either says "I don't know" or maybe "film" (he loves film)

he gets along better with adults than kids his own age, so it has been a real challenge

You might help him narrow down a career path. If he likes animals perhaps he might like to be a veterinarian. If that is an option contact a local veterinarian and ask them if it would be possible for your son to shadow them for a couple days of voluntary work.

If he likes films, what part of films does he like? Does he like to watch them. Maybe he would like to work in a movie theater. I think in some theaters, the employees are allowed to watch all the films for free in their off hours. Or is he a potential script writer? Or is he into animations? There are hundreds of career paths in making movies. A close approximation is the students in the school who put on plays. They are not only actors and actresses but the sound crew, the kids who make the props and costumes, the band, the light crew. It takes many many talented kids working together to put on a play. Just as it takes many, many talented people to put a film together. In my kids school, I created a media club. The club worked in putting together all types of media even films. They were a fabulous group of kids. In a large city such as Chicago, there may be similar clubs in school called Media Clubs. Even though he is homeschooled, perhaps the school wouldn't mind if he participated in one of the after hour clubs.

he enjoys that (loves animals)

Much of Aspergers (particularly for children) involves avoiding anxiety. Pets can be useful for an environment where affection can be shown with little risk of anxiety.

Sometimes boys can be brought into activity with projects such as bringing home a load of limber and telling him he can build whatever he wants with it. A junk car can be bought and he can be told you will help him fix it up. These sort of large projects may never actually get finished, but can serve as a sort of springboard to other activities.

I do not know how much space and money you have, but you may consider investing in a particular breed of dog he likes and see if he wants to breed them. There are whole sub-cultures of people who show dogs and train them. It might be a gateway to social involvement also.

Since you've already tried many of the things I normally suggest (trading card games and DnD), I think you are left with some out of the home classes. Most community colleges allow high school age students to enroll, and also often offer a wide variety of community education options that would allow him to casually explore different fields. It doesn't have to be much, even just once a week, but it does sound like your son could use some exposure to life outside of his immediate family.

Why have you chosen homeschooling? It seems that would only exacerbate your son's tendency toward isolation and difficulty in discovering real-world interests.

Maybe a paying part-time job might inspire him. Maybe at a popular bookstore chain or library. A job that can somewhat match what he seems to do the most. He's still young and you really can't make him be a person he is not. What he spends his money on might give insight into whats going on inside his head. If his interests are narrowed, work within that few. Money can be a good incentive. It's possible that financial independence might make him bloom. Once I asked my older boy, who is now in his late twenties, why he didn't do much in his teens. He said he didn't want to spend my money. He said he was embarrassed. Once he got a job, he changed drastically. I never saw him anymore. Before I knew it, he was moving out. He's basically the same way - a homebody, specified interests, but he's happy and independent. He is who he is - he's not an exciting kid but neither am I and neither is his father. We're just "vanilla" people but we're happy.

I was like that but replace computers with antique tech. So I was always outside fixing some ancient machine, but had not much executive function.

Could riding horses be good for him? They're part of a lot of fantasy lit, which might match what he likes, and you mentioned he loves animals. Get the man on a horse.


Random point. I used to sneak off and go chill out with horses. They make/made me feel like I was 100% Neurotypical on top of the world--until I fell off, in which case I felt rather sore on one side. I don't care. Horses are amazing.

Public school


Besides a paying job and college preparation, what is wrong with staying home all day long?


Plenty of technology allows social interaction with leaving home


Why home school anyways?


Plenty of parents prefer children home all the time



Children can't get into as much trouble










My own precious lil "parents"sure would have

I did think of one more suggestion: Scouting. My son spent a lot of time in the great outdoors with scouting. Your son is on the old side for regular troops, but some venture crews may have active membership in a comparable age range. Scouting is very defined and my son responded really well to that.

It is very cruel to force someone who is not interested in socializing to socialize.