Advice for allistic women on relating to autistic BF

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Reposted from here because the OP of that thread complained about it being derailed:

I'll post the above-mentioned stuff about NVC sometime later, here in this thread. But first, some other related posts....

Reposted from here because the O.P. of that thread complained about it being derailed:

I'll reply in a separate post, later, below.

Up to a point, such fiction may well be helpful. But I would suggest being careful about using fiction that way.

Fiction is often very different from reality. Fiction writers (and, even more so, movie writers) are known to take plenty of dramatic license. Personally I've always been under the impression that fiction was more misleading than helpful as a guide to understanding anything in the real world.

Moreover, I suspect that a lot of the difficulties people (including many NT's, as well as autistic people) have in romantic relationships may be caused, in part, by people expecting reality to be like fiction/movies in ways that it isn't.

I should clarify that the above is true for SOME of us -- I would hope most of us. But there also exist some of us who are obsessed with winning arguments.

Mona: So I know you're posting more. I just wanna say personally I relate to some of what Teach is saying more than I do to what her ASD bf says/acts, as she describes it anyway (I guess we'd need his side of the story to get a more rounded view of their relationship). I don't see how her saying she was "really sick" is rude at all, pardon me for using this N word here, but it feels to my ASD mind/heart "normal", since I'd probably say the same thing in that situation to pretty much anyone. He takes her "embellishment" as a put-down of some kind and I just don't see that implied in what she's saying or how she's saying it.

I also emotionally at least relate to her primary desire in social situations to cultivate and deepen "closeness, intimacy," etc. w/other people. It is very much a work in progress for me, especially when I get into my main SI (politics) if I'm arguing w/someone. But nonetheless, I prefer the approach she's saying she takes, which imo is why (as I've said on other threads on other boards), personally I relate more easily to women than men at least in US culture and society. Generally NT women at least are better at acting that way than men are. I won't get into ND people b/c I'm still learning how we in general behave. When she goes on to talk about her partner ignoring her emotional means of communication (and I take it also her feelings), feeling "annulled and silenced" can be in my experience quite invalidating and emotionally stifling/suffocating. And I HATE that and I would imagine it feels deeply hurtful to be getting that sort of response (whatever the reasons for it) from my partner, the person I'd probably trust the most and otherwise want to feel closest to of anyone! I hate to bring up the P word again, but I sense some degree of patriarchal behavior on her partner's part operating here. In the effects of what he says and how he says it, if not in his intentions. And that bothers me, as someone on the spectrum, as a guy, as a leftist and as a human.

You go on to advocate that she learn about Non-Violent Communication. Knowing nothing about what this is, I can't and won't comment on it. Except to say that I think this is something BOTH of them need to work on b/c it FEELS to me like some of what he's saying/doing is having a sort of condescending and even coercive effect on her. Ergo, he has work on his communication skills as well, if he's serious about respecting her and her needs as a partner, as a woman and as a person.

You are correct about some authors. But, I like to read Man Booker Prize winners, Penn-Faulkner Prize winner, Nobel Laureates, .... Popular fiction is not good for learning and some of the old classics are quite amusing in the overplaying of emotions and abilities. What I am saying is select good books and read with some caution. God knows, life is not like a Jane Austen or Charles Dickens novel. But the characters do turn up from time to time in the real world and we can learn a lot from Tolstoy, Dickens, Austen, Flaubert, Baldwin, Faulkner, Buck, Naipaul, Pamuk, Achebe, ... If not from the great minds of literature where else?

There is an ongoing insistence, by some (mostly men), that people on the spectrum have limited understanding of emotions. But I see people writing with strong emotions about emotional insults. The issue, as I see it, is a lack of understanding about the emotional response to their actions. Reacting and feeling is not the same as encouraging and anticipating. Projecting is not the same as empathy. An emotional deficit does not mean one is devoid of emotions.

Sorry about the rant.

Many do have real problems recognizing, understanding and responding to emotions and social cues in other people. I am guilty of this shortcoming and it has caused me great trouble over my 60 plus years. Reading novels helps me improve my system of rules to handle social interactions with more skill. Very complex emotions such as intimacy are difficult for me to grasp and caused my relationships to fall apart. Misreading cues has caused me no end of trouble.

I am only speaking for myself as undiagnosed with social cognition issues. My suggestions and opinions may not be suitable for all. I apologize for going off topic since I am not talking about love and dating. But going on about something that I need to express.

Last edited by goatfish57 on 29 May 2019, 6:16 pm, edited 4 times in total.

I would like to be clear that I did not describe the challenges of my personal relationship because I am having serious problems. Nor am I seeking advice, though I am touched by it and welcome it.My intention is to illustrate the patience and effort that is necessary in order to validate each other in such a relationship. My guy makes an effort to try and understand me and treads so carefully to avoid hurting my feelings though it does happen so often.I also hurt his. Once I had realised how much compassion he has and sensitivity, then the lack of empathy demonstrsted became tolerable. Sometimes just a choice of song that he plays for me encompasses such depth of emotional and romantic content that I am overwhelmed. It's difficult to describe but we seem to have developed a connection of intimacy that is almost telepathic. It is not a possessive relationship, I would define us as lovers.

I am encouraged by the responses here and am learning how deep is the need for intimacy in relationships and how much self-examination and flexibility is needed in order to attain it. I have no desire to present myself as being on WP with the purpose of solving bf problems, this would be a complete misrepresentation. I truly wish to gain a deeper understanding of ASD in order to enhance my relationships with all the aspies who I care deeply about, students, friends and lover.

Understood, I am just your topic as an excuse to express some of my opinions. No offense intended and I wish you happiness and success with your relationships.

Hi. . . . . I’m not in a romantic relationship,but was in a very close friendship with an aspie male. . . I thought it was a close friendship,anyway. I often got frustrated and upset by what I saw as his ignoring my emotional needs or dismissing things I was going through. I realise now it was not his intention. We are rebuilding our friendship and I have no expectations of him. It works better. It seems that it is often a delayed reaction for him to respond to,something that had happened to me or that I have done for him. . . . .. . Ie when we were out recently I got news that my daughter had given birth. . . . He didn’t really react. . . . . And I didn’t say much and didn’t get upset. About an hour later he said “oh my goodness that is a big thing congratulations is everything ok etc “ . . . . .. . Similarly when I jumped into a river to retrieve something precious to him that he had dropped. . . .. it was again an hour or so before he said “thank you so much for getting that for me”. . . . .. . Previously I would have tried to have pushed him for response, he would hear my pushing as criticism and we would end up unhappy with each other. . . . . . I have just learnt to have no expectations and completely accept him as he is. . .. . . .. . . .it has taken a long time for me to understand, and I’m sure I will still make mistakes. Also a lot easier because not a romantic relationship, but I have noticed since my attitude has change, he is much more thoughtful and does things for me to show he appreciates me. I think aspies find pressure to react emotionally v v difficult . . . .. . .

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Last edited by Zack1994 on 29 May 2019, 10:51 pm, edited 2 times in total.

You jumped into a river to retrieve something that was important to him?! Jeeze, you sound like the best friend ever! I wanna reiterate, we aren't all like that, in fact alot (if not most) of us aren't like that. I'm not sure about women on the spectrum, I just don't know too well. But those I have met and from what I see on this website, they aren't usually like that either, not HFA women anyway. What you describe as delayed reactions of that sort are common, I've had things like that too in the past, but never to something as dramatic as what you did, not at all!

Anyway, glad your friendship is going well and that you're reaching some new level of understanding and hopefully closeness.

I dropped my pizza in the river.

Hi face of boo!

It's good to hear that. Sorry for the misunderstanding.


Yep, relationships certainly do require patience and effort.


I didn't think "solving bf problems" was your SOLE reason for being here.

Anyone who IS drawn to this thread for the purpose of "solving BF problems" might be interested in the following article I recently came across, by Tony Attwood: Relationship Problems of Adults with Asperger’s Syndrome.

Yep, delayed emotional processing -- and delayed processing in general -- can be an issue for many autistic people, including myself.


Indeed, pressure to react emotionally is difficult to deal with. I wouldn't go so far as to say you should have NO expectations, but avoiding unrealistic expectations is indeed very helpful.