When your parents don't confirm your experiences

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Hi everyone, this is my first time posting here but I've been reading for a while.

I'm 35 and had suspicions that I'm autistic for many years but never done anything about it but I keep bouncing from job to job, suffering from massive anxiety and ending up burnt out over and over again. After the fourth time of this happening in the space of 6 years I was sent to occupational health and the psychologist I spoke to their said I had lots of autistic traits (without me ever mentioning anything about my suspicions) and that I should seek an assessment.

So cut to this week and I have been the assessment and spoken to both a psychologist and psychiatrist. But now I'm having a meltdown over the interview they insisted on doing with my mother and I'm worried that she will have sabotaged it for me. They rang her today and I asked her how she answered. She did confirm some of the things I had said like my issues with food, that I was very bossy and controlling and games had to be played my way or the highway and that I hate talking on the phone. But she also told them that she doesn't think I'm autistic just that I'm introverted, that I didn't have issues with labels even though I did and still do and that the only reason I was unsociable in school was because the other kids in the class were jealous that I was cleverer than them so they bullied me. I am feeling so mad at her right now because she really has no clue how difficult I find social situations and worried that they will take her word over mine

My appointment to get the results is July 1st. How am I going to not think and stress about this every day until then?

Your counselors will likely take into account that your mother's "diagnosis" was not a professional one, and that she probably has a limited understanding of what autism really is.

My mother received a written questionnaire. She though that it was for my security clearance, and I never disavowed her of her opinion. I doubt that she even suspects what it was really for.

Thank you, I really hope so.

And she really doesn't have a clue what autism really is because just last week she declared her neighbour's child must have autism because she shouts a lot Whereas I have a very female presentation which flew under the radar (very quiet, clever, controlling, organised so noone ever noticed my lack of social skills), and also I suspect my mum is also on the spectrum so she just thinks I'm normal because she's quite similar (and probably knows that if I get a diagnosis that she also has it).

Now I just need to not worry about it for a month.

Dig really deep into a special interest for a month

Excellent idea!

If the people assessing you are any good, they don't need your mother's opinion on whether you're on the spectrum or not, to my understanding (as I participated in my son's diagnosis), they look for an outsider's recollection of relevant behaviours from your childhood.

Get a nice trainset... Trains work for me. Don't worry. In a way I have similar concerns but I do know that if I have it my mum also has it.

Good point, I have two on the go at the moment. Renovating my garden when it's not raining and making art videos when it is. I will focus as much as I can on those. And I will just have to try not to talk to my mother about how mad I am at her when she is staying with me next week.

I hope they are good! She did confirm some behaviours so that's good I guess. I just wish she'd keep her opinions to herself.

Haha, this is quite interesting because I've never really been that interested in trains until my nephew developed an interest in them (he's 6) and we started going to the train station in my town every time he came to visit. Now I find myself going on walks and hoping to see the trains go past It's not really a special interest but it's funny how certain interests can develop.

Going back to the symptoms you get in regards to the possibility of a partial shutdown, do you get a situation that your mum and others don't believe you? They say to grin and bear it or push through it. I find if I push through it I go deeper into it and it takes longer to recover...

Yes. Trains are fun! I am not obsessed. I just think about them a lot and make my own little ones... And ... And... Haha.

I think my family are kinda used to me just disappearing off to my room (if possible) but I often feel the need to push through in front of others, like for me a shutdown in front of others is better than the alternative meltdown. A shutdown means I can usually save a meltdown until I get home.

Well, look at it this way, she did confirm a lot of what you said, and her opinion doesn't seem to be found on much facts, a lot seems assumed in it, and even if it was true, it doesn't mean you're not on the spectrum, it might even confirm it further. A neurotypical child who can't fit in because they're too clever would probably pick up on it and mellow down some, but an autistic child may not pick up on it, know how to solve the issue or care enough.

BTW, this was how I got my own diagnosis. During my son's assessment, some of my own behaviours and me finding some of his idiosyncrasies "completely normal" made them recommend to get assessed myself

I did try to explain this to my mum when I spoke to her afterwards. I work with children and even clever children usually have the social skills to fit in. I did not. I spent most of my break times alone long before the bullying started. And I was completely oblivious that they were jealous if that's what they were, I just thought they were mean because they didn't like my hair and clothes as that is what they commented on.



She knows we're really similar so I think she might be worried about that. Also, she didn't mention some things because they're normal to her. The psychologist asked her if I had issues with clothes labels and she said no. I asked my mum when I talked to her after if she cuts out clothes labels and she said yes because they scratch. I do the same. She said she thought everyone does that so she didn't mention it

Your parent's opinion alone is not enough to confirm or deny your diagnosis. Its only part of the overall diagnosis. I wouldn't worry about it one way or another.

I really hope you’re right. I just feel that it’s basically my word against my mum’s because I basically just had to fill out a couple of questionnaires and the psychologist did an interview. I just have to hope that my experience weigh stronger than her opinions in this case.