Would people assume I am gay if I am 39 and single?

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QFT
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12 Jul 2019, 12:36 am

I am straight but, due to my Asperger, I have very hard time finding a girlfriend. So since I am 39 years old and most people are already married by this age, does it mean people will assume I am gay?

By the way, thats not the only reason I want a girlfriend. Even if I knew everyone knows I am straight, still the fact that I am single and nobody likes me is painful. That, plus I want the emotional support, spending time together, and all this nice stuff I miss from the good days when I dated. That, plus also I hope to eventually marry and have kids.

But, as much as I want it, the reality is that it might take a while. So, while I am still single, what can I do to keep people from thinking I am gay?



Fireblossom
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12 Jul 2019, 5:40 am

Don't worry about it too much; most people won't assume someone's gay simply because they're single. Though if you want to be more sure, avoid doing things that are considered "girl stuff." The stereotype is that gaymen do things like that far more than straight men do.



cyberdad
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12 Jul 2019, 6:08 am

Nope...



KT67
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12 Jul 2019, 6:23 am

No.

People are heteronormative.

I'm bi, I look/act like a stereotypical lesbian and I haven't dated anyone around here. People still ask about boyfriends not girlfriends. (This is if they know I'm female, haha, to show how butch I look and they still assume opposite sex! :o )

The highest I've heard for homosexuality is 10% so that's why people assume straight. Usually they're right if they assume that.

I assume (without saying it) bi, because if I say 'are you dating someone'/'are you married' I can't then be surprised by the 10%. But that's not society's norm, that's me learning to be PC because of my own tastes.

And if a guy is asking, just say he's not your type or you're straight. Big deal, imagine if an unattractive (to your personal preferences) woman was asking - you'd say no. Same thing. Some straight people get overly hung up on it when really all that's going on is lack of mutual attraction. Take it as a compliment but just one that you can't use for anything other than as a confidence booster.



magz
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12 Jul 2019, 6:29 am

No.
I would assume you're gay if you were 39 and had a boyfriend.


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QFT
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12 Jul 2019, 7:40 am

KT67 wrote:
And if a guy is asking, just say he's not your type or you're straight. Big deal, imagine if an unattractive (to your personal preferences) woman was asking - you'd say no. Same thing. Some straight people get overly hung up on it when really all that's going on is lack of mutual attraction. Take it as a compliment but just one that you can't use for anything other than as a confidence booster.


The issue is "not" that the guy will be asking me out, but the issue is that straight people will assume I am gay. Now don't get me wrong: if a guy would be asking me out, I would be upset too. But the main reason I will be upset is that it might imply I am seen as far by others, too. So it's like a barometer. I am upset by where arrow of barometer is pointing because it means it might rain. Gay man is a barometer, society's opinion is rain.

But now that we are on this topic, a gay man asked me out two years ago. So I walk towards my dorm and there was a guy whom I didn't know standing by the door, but then again I don't know most people either so I don't know if he was truly a stranger or someone who knew me somehow. Anyway, he asked me where I was going, which I found annoying but I answered him. Then after few more annoying questions he asked me whether I wanted to do something that night. I asked him if he was gay. He asked me if I was. I said no, so he said no as well. So then I said okay. So then he told me to get in his car, which I did. He was driving real slow and kept asking me what I wanted to do that night. So I again asked him if he was gay. He again asked me if I was, so I said no and he also said no. But then shortly thereafter he asked me if I was curious. I asked him what made him think I was curious if I told him twice I wasn't gay. He said he isn't gay either but he is curious. So I said "well, I am not" and jumped out of the car (he was driving but he was driving real slow, like probably at the speed you walk, that's why it was possible to jump out).

The other thing that also happened at around that time is that I was complaining to cashier at a caffeteria how I don't have any friends. I was actually thinking of specifically be able friends and/or girlfriend, but I was too shy to tell her that, so I kept using gender neutral terms. She tried to introduce me to a guy to be my "friend", so I talked to him for few minutes and then backed off. The reason I backed off is that I was wondering whether or not she thought I was gay and tried to set me up with someone gay but didn't have guts to actually ask. Now, looking back, I don't remember any evidence for it. Maybe I was simply thinking that nobody sets people up to be friends, people only set people up to date. Although, T the sane time most people don't complain about lack of friends either, and I did, so perhaps it had nothing to do with gayness. In any case, I never asked her if she thought I was gay because I was worried that if I ask that question she would think I was closetted gay. So I was obsessing over it for months after that since I couldn't simply ask.

The other thing that happened in that same caffeteria was that some guy said that he likes me because he heard from his friends I am really smart. Now, the way I took it to mean was that I kept complaining that people don't like me so he was making fun of me by bringing up something I was obsessing over. But now I am thinking what if he thought I was gay, too? I never asked him if he thought I was gay and I don't know who he is so I can't find him and ask him. What I DID ask him though is why do his friends talk about me and whether they think I am weird. Get admitted they do think I am weird but evaded the question as to why. When I kept asking he said they thought it's weird that I kept going on and on about things and won't let them go. I asked him what were they referring to and he would say "well, just like you are doing now" so I asked him if he had any other examples and he would only repeat "for example now" instead of answering g my question. Anyway I am sure this specific guy wasn't going to ask me out (nor dis he "like" me either) he was just teasing me. But the question is: what was he teasing me about? About being obsessed with people liking me in non sexual way or about being gay?

In any case, all three of those incidentally happened 2 years ago. But the question is: are they reflective of people seeing me as gay in general or is it only those specific people, and did they spread gay rumors about me or not?



KT67
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12 Jul 2019, 7:51 am

That's because people will see attractive people as the sexuality they want them to be.

By attractive I mean people who they find attractive.

If a woman fancied you, she'd see you as straight.

There is and there isn't a way to look gay. He probably hoped you were sag. He probably knew you were straight deep down but took the chance.

The difference though is that society expects men to ask, so if you see a woman you find attractive, ask her. Not always nowadays, this isn't very feminist to say actually. But in general, some women are old fashioned and like to be asked by men.



QFT
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12 Jul 2019, 8:24 am

Fireblossom wrote:
Don't worry about it too much; most people won't assume someone's gay simply because they're single. Though if you want to be more sure, avoid doing things that are considered "girl stuff." The stereotype is that gaymen do things like that far more than straight men do.


I don't do either girl stuff or guy stuff, I tend to do more of gender neutral stuff.

But, speaking of that, I remember, four years ago, I was at a dorm where they kept constantly drinking and partying. They kept trying to get me to drink and I kept refusing. Once I was in my room and I heard a comment "I think he is gay because he doesn't drink". I SHOULD HAVE come out if my room, ask if it's about me, and if it is, challenge it. But I didn't do it, because I was thinking that people might think that if I obsess about being perceived as gay I might be gay. Now, I overheard some other conversation about somebody being gay -- but they didn't mention the drinking thing -- so I asked who it was and they told me about some guy who didn't come out as gay but whom they were suspecting was closetted gay for various reasons. So the question is: that earlier comment, was it pertaining that other guy or was it pertaining me? Because if the earlier comment was about the other guy, then it would mean he doesn't drink either. But, if so, why would they be so surprised by my not drinking if I wasn't the only one who doesn't drink? But if that guy drinks then it's bad since that would logically imply that "he is gay because he doesn't drink" would pertain to me. Now, the good part is that, when I moved onto that dorm, I had a long distance girlfriend I was Skyping with. But it was only beginning of a relationship, we never met, and it didn't work out. In any case, a few days after the gay comment I kept asking my roommate if they said anything bad about me (and was avoiding referring to that specific comment so that we won't think that since I obsess about being gay I must be gay) So he told me everything was fine, and then asked "how is your girlfriend" so I knew he knew I had a girlfriend which is good.

The other thing that happened in that school -- also four years ago -- was that I was in a caffeteria and there was a tall black guy (I don't remember if he was by himself or with a group of friends, seems more like the latter but I don't remember) who outright asked me "are you straight?" I SHOULD HAVE asked him why would he think I am gay but I didn't due to that thought that "if I talk about gayness people would think I am gay" I think it was a big mistake: I mean, he was the one who brought it up, so "who wouldn't" take him on on this? Anyway what I actually did was that I said "what" as if I didn't hear him, so he again asked me "are you straight" and I again asked him "what" so he again asked "are you straight" and I again asked "what" After we repeated it a few times he finally asked "are you okay" so I asked him "what makes you think I am not okay" and he said "you are limping" -- which I did: for some reason it was hurting between the legs that day, but no I didn't have sex with either gender I don't know why it was hurting. So I said "I am fine". He made another attempt to start a conversation with me a few days later. I asked gin if he had a girlfriend and he said no but then his girlfriend corrected him.

In any case both of these incidents took place in Mississippi, four years ago. And the incidents I told KT67 about took place in New Mexico, two years ago (and New Mexico is where I am currently at). Even though it's worse uf people at my current school think I am gay tvab if they think that at the other school I tend to worry abiyt the other school more since it's more obvious. I still have my former roommate from Mississippi on my Facebook so sometimes I wonder if I should ask him. But what stops me from asking him is that I am worried what if "that" will make him think I am gay, since I was obsessing f abiyt it enough to bring it to your years later. U should have asked it then and there but I didn't.



QFT
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12 Jul 2019, 8:50 am

magz wrote:
I would assume you're gay if you were 39 and had a boyfriend.


There was a guy at one of the churches I go to who was from Peru. I think he is straight, I mean it's an Adventist Church, which is probably conservative when it comes to things like that. But I guess he is too forward probably due to cultural differences or something. So, half a year ago, I lost a wallet so I asked him, over Facebook, whether I left it in his car. Indeed, I did. However something else happened that day. I was supposed to submit a revision of my Proceedings paper for one of the physics conferences I went to, and the main thing they asked me to do in the revision was to use conference template (which I didn't use in my original version). I am not that good with computers, so I asked a guy from the office next to mine to help me (and he is also from Russia). It actually took him few hours. While he was helping me, that guy from Peru kept sending me messages over Facebook to get back to me about the wallet. But you see he didn't actually say "I have your wallet", he just kept calling my name. I kept ignoring him since I was in the middle of working on that paper. But each time he would send me a message with my name it would show on the bottom of the screen, so the guy that was helping me saw it --- and it also shows the name of a person that sends them to me so he saw it was a guy rather than a girl. At some point he had to close the window he was working on and open a different one. But, instead of just closing that window he closed all windows. He said it was an accidental but I think he did that on purpose so as not to embarrass me: if he were to close one window he might see the Facebook so he tried to avoid it. Then at some point after one of these messages I said "that is about a wallet that I left in his car" and he said "okay". But I don't know if he believed me or just said okay to be polite. He never asked me what it was about, I brought it up myself, so maybe he just said okay to evade the subject. Anyway, other than that day when I asked him for help I don't talk to him that much. So do you think he assumed I gave a boyfriend? I mean, how would he know it was just that one day we talked to never this way as opposed to always?



shortfatbalduglyman
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12 Jul 2019, 9:50 am

Some homophobic precious lil "people" will assume you are gay

Some people don't care

Half of marriage end in divorce

:mrgreen:



KT67
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13 Jul 2019, 2:08 am

QFT wrote:
magz wrote:
I would assume you're gay if you were 39 and had a boyfriend.


There was a guy at one of the churches I go to who was from Peru. I think he is straight, I mean it's an Adventist Church, which is probably conservative when it comes to things like that. But I guess he is too forward probably due to cultural differences or something. So, half a year ago, I lost a wallet so I asked him, over Facebook, whether I left it in his car. Indeed, I did. However something else happened that day. I was supposed to submit a revision of my Proceedings paper for one of the physics conferences I went to, and the main thing they asked me to do in the revision was to use conference template (which I didn't use in my original version). I am not that good with computers, so I asked a guy from the office next to mine to help me (and he is also from Russia). It actually took him few hours. While he was helping me, that guy from Peru kept sending me messages over Facebook to get back to me about the wallet. But you see he didn't actually say "I have your wallet", he just kept calling my name. I kept ignoring him since I was in the middle of working on that paper. But each time he would send me a message with my name it would show on the bottom of the screen, so the guy that was helping me saw it --- and it also shows the name of a person that sends them to me so he saw it was a guy rather than a girl. At some point he had to close the window he was working on and open a different one. But, instead of just closing that window he closed all windows. He said it was an accidental but I think he did that on purpose so as not to embarrass me: if he were to close one window he might see the Facebook so he tried to avoid it. Then at some point after one of these messages I said "that is about a wallet that I left in his car" and he said "okay". But I don't know if he believed me or just said okay to be polite. He never asked me what it was about, I brought it up myself, so maybe he just said okay to evade the subject. Anyway, other than that day when I asked him for help I don't talk to him that much. So do you think he assumed I gave a boyfriend? I mean, how would he know it was just that one day we talked to never this way as opposed to always?


A lot of guys in those sorts of churches are closet cases.