Turned 31 without a girlfriend. Is it time to give up?

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13 years of depression has practically destroyed me.

I wonder how much of my mind "gave" during my decades of on and off depression/suppression. I don't know that there won't be more in my future, so I am especially enjoying this era without it. I have tough moments and even a tough day here and there, but most days are good. I am wishing you can say something similar in your (nearer) future.

Sabreclaw: since this isn’t exactly a Python thread, I’ll keep this brief:

I don’t claim to be particularly smart. If it weren’t easy, I wouldn’t do it. I had to dig around to find a simple MIDI module to get it to work, and mido made the most sense to me (there’s one more advanced, but all the input has to be in hex). The language itself is straightforward enough that writing a rules-based, note-generation script is easy. At first I used a number of functions, but the latest version converts them to classes so I have some good building blocks for writing a whole new algorithm. At the moment I’m improving on the mido module to make the MIDI handling easier to use than it already is.

Back on topic: This is more directed at Marknis and is a rehash of my usual advice. You’ve done some great things that I think are an excellent example for someone like Marknis and can offer him hope. I want to comment on that, but bear in mind that my comments aren’t entirely about anything you’ve said or done. But rather if you have your life in order and are willing/able to overcome some things, I dunno...MAYBE there’s something useful in here for you! I’ve long stopped being critical of Marknis. I’ve seen some things happening with someone very close to me, and I finally got fed up and just told this person to be himself and take joy in everything he does, and it makes no difference who thinks he’s weird or who calls him names at school. Don’t be anything else than what you are. If YOU feel the need to change, then change, but do it for yourself because it’s what you want. If people are making fun of you and calling you names, then f$&@‘em. Keep your distance from them and keep your ideas to yourself, not because your ideas are stupid or because you’re afraid, but because those @$$holes don’t deserve you. Let THEIR lives be empty and wasted. Do NOT be like them, but rather be happy. Anyway...

What you’ve done is taken more control over your life so you at least have the freedom to do some things. Is that going to make all your problems go away and have girls beating down your door? No. But AT LEAST now you’re open to it, and the issues you have are “in your head” kinds of problems. I can’t offer much there since it’s a personal discovery kind of thing, but you can learn to get around it.

What I tend to focus on more these days is more the “self help” side. I think PUA’s have a lot of the basic psychology down really well. But what I dislike about the PUA approach is not simply a matter of objectification, because men AND women are sex objects whether you like it or not, but rather the overall NEGATIVE tone. Women play games. Therefore we must learn to play games. We learn to base our self worth on our “game” rather than intellect, and thus women are stupid subhumans for us to trick for the sake of our own pleasure (although, if women are playing games, who’s really the fool? Aren’t they just manipulating us? Then why plug into PUA bs at all?). We encourage frequent sexual encounters on the way to getting a relationship, which devalues the person (the PUA in particular) as well as the sex act itself. I’d praise the PUA for going after what he wants, but in the end there is no virtue gained from it. There’s no value in what he does, EVEN IF he’s successful.

I think reframing the psychological aspect of PUA as building self-esteem is a more positive track than what PUA’s do. You have to see yourself as valuable, as worthy, and THEN take the next step to seeing yourself as having HIGH value and worth—to yourself. You can’t be concerned about what other people think. Not other men, not women—only what YOU believe about yourself matters at all. When I show up to teach music, it’s because MY class is important. I’ll have students ask “Can I go to ____ to finish my assignment?” NO!! ! Out of the question, because that means I have to consider somebody else’s work more important than my own. I might have made enemies, but there’s no question that my work is valuable and important to me. That has a spill-over effect that makes students pay more attention to their own work and become better musicians. Nobody is asking them to like it, but that’s just how it’s going to be. Students learn to take THEMSELVES more seriously, and they value that sense of accomplishment. They develop a sense of their own value, and music becomes a rewarding exercise.

So for building relationships, you have to first see yourself as worthy. Why? Because if you don’t love yourself, you create two more problems: First, if you see no worth within yourself, why should anybody else? Second, because people tend to be selfish, if you can’t be trusted with something as simple as loving yourself, how can you possibly be responsible for loving anyone else? If, as an example, you see no logic in getting out of mom’s basement and putting away video games to go meet someone, you fail to show any reason at all that you DESERVE to have someone. It’s clearly illogical, but anyone who comes into it with an entitlement mentality will struggle to see it that way. It’s that kind of place where most of your self-haters live.

It’s not some magic formula for getting girls. It’s not a guarantee of anything. But I think we often have to retrain ourselves to see ourselves differently, to be responsible for our own happiness, to not be concerned for the welfare of others or their opinions of us, except where it is rational and where it is beneficial for us to do so, which I’ll explain later.

The answer for Marknis is forget the past. See your job as having created value, your workplace as being a better place for your having been there, an achievement you can take personal pride in. See your hobbies as something that brings you joy. See people, including women, as something that adds value and joy to your life—and be sure you TREAT those people accordingly. Not because you’re a nice guy, but because you love yourself enough to include people who make you happy and feel important. You do good things for them because you don’t want them to go anywhere. It has nothing to do with a genuine concern for them, but rather their well-being ensures you get more time with them. You cannot “love others as yourself,” as it says in the Bible, if you don’t first love yourself to begin with.

While it doesn’t guarantee a relationship, it does promise happiness. If you say, “Only a relationship will make me happy,” you’re either delusional or you’re only making excuses. Just like you can’t worry about what other people think, they can’t be worried about you, either. If love has to be forced, it’s not love. And if you hang all your happiness on one person, you’ll never be happy. Your most important earthly relationship is with yourself, and only you can be responsible for it. Being responsible for your own happiness and loving yourself, while promising nothing, does have the effect of being an attractive feature. At the very least, you ARE guaranteed better odds of finding someone than a self-hater.

Well...looks like I hit my quota for October. Later...

Oh, golly, yes, I know that feeling. Sooner or later, if it hasn't happened to you already, some clever a***hole will roll up to you and advise: "Well, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger!"

Obviously your first and most immediately constructive step will be to strangle that clever a***hole, pointing out to him or her in the process that you're only trying to make him or her stronger. A point he or she will doubtless appreciate.

However. I think, counting from age 8 if not earlier, I can easily lay claim to 30 years of suicidal depression (including not fewer than 10 actual suicide attempts, and probably nearer 15...), so although you may fear your 13 years of depression have all but destroyed you, and indeed they may very well have nearly destroyed you, if you are reading this now then your destruction has not yet been completed (even if you wish it had).

I will not insult your obvious intelligence by pointing out that your chances of getting a girlfriend will be infinitely higher so long as you remain corporeally alive and present here, in this admittedly ghastly and incomprehensible world.

I will, however, go so far as to answer your original question with the single simple word NO.

No it is not time to give up. Because there never IS a time to give up. Never. Never . Never.

The best way of sabotaging your own life chances is to give up. If you're so turned on by the prospect of terminal unhappiness, then go right ahead and give up!

But, to answer your original question: No, it is NOT time to give up. Because that time will never, ever come.

But what can I do to feel like I am actually achieving my goal of wanting a girlfriend?

Wait and hope. Sorry, that's not going to inspire you at all, is it? But it is seriously something you can concentrate on doing.

Despair and bitterness are seriously not attractive to women. Nor to men, actually, so far as I can ascertain, but you're asking about women, so let's talk about women.

You want a woman. So that helps. Except if you come across as so aloof that women construe you as uninterested (I have been accused of this, and I have been single for longer periods of time than I'd honestly have preferred, and my perceived aloofness has been cited as one reason).

On the other hand, obviously if you come across as overly interested they'll call the Police, and there again if you come across as tragically desperate they'll pity you but run a mile.

So far as I can tell, they want to be wanted, but it's like Goldilocks and the freakin' porridge: you have to come across as wanting them, yet not as wanting them too much. Not too hot, not too cold, yeah?

Maintain a good personal hygiene routine: can't hurt your chances, and meanwhile you'll always know you are in battle readiness (a smelly penis is not a readily likeable penis...).

Wear a shirt that goes with your eyes or your general colouring: again, can't hurt, and can help.

Perhaps more importantly, identify some positive things about yourself (in my own sad case, that required some psychotherapy, but it did prove to be possible...), and believe in them and be quietly, almost-but-not-quite-smugly satisfied with them.

And obviously, do what I mostly fail to do, which is go out and be in situations where the kind of woman you desire might herself be out and looking.

You'll accuse me of oversimplifying, and yes, in a way, I am. But I am sincerely trying to moot a few useful pointers, and I am sincerely trying to answer your perfectly valid question.

Even so, waiting and hoping remain a vital part of the recipe. If you can't be bothered to wait, and/or if you lose hope, then you're done for. Don't torpedo your own chances by becoming impatient or desperate! Verb. Sap.

another reminder of a case, situation, that normally dominates one gender for obvious reasons