Turned 31 without a girlfriend. Is it time to give up?
AnonymousAnonymous
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Joined: 23 Nov 2006
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 70,190
Location: Portland, Oregon
I turned 26 a few weeks ago and sometimes I feel very sad I don't have a boyfriend. I only have a boyfriend for a short period a few years ago, but he never loved me. I feel insecure about looking for someone because I'm fat and have an awful personality.
To be clear, I am not looking for a Victoria’s Secret model or a pop singer. I find women from the nerdy, geeky, and “otaku” cultures attractive as well as ones who are into alternative music cultures like punk or Gothic. Unlike a lot of guys, especially in the Bible Belt, I don’t consider large breasts or a ditsy voice requirements. Yes, I want to date someone I find attractive but I would choose a “mousey” woman with a nice personality over a “hot” woman with a bad personality.
I am not compatible with redneck, ghetto, or super religious women.
I have tried things like Meet Up, dating sites, going to music shows (Oddly, I’ve had women at shows tell me they don’t know who is playing!), attending an Unitarian fellowship (What a f*****g letdown!), and entertainment conventions.
I meant it more in a way that maybe someone who won't look nerdy or otaku, but maybe can be interested in this and somehow just don't dress/express it. I don't have much advice to give because dating culture in my country is very different and, well, I suck at it anyway. I also don't want someone who fits in the mainstream culture of my area, but I'm not even looking around anymore because I feel I'm not good enough for that.
It would be easier for me if alcohol wasn’t a requirement for socialization in my area.
It seems to be a world-wide thing :/ Here all social life revolves around alcohol. I don't drink too.
Neither do I. I am on three prescriptions, so alcohol would interfere with their functions.
As for you Brother Marknis, what are your interests? Maybe one day you could unexpectedly meet a woman who shares similar interests as you or comes from a similar background as you, Aspie or NT it doesn't matter.
And yes, continue to reject stereotypes people you know expect you to conform to that are associated with the area that you are from. You are your own person.
My “main” interests would be things like alternative music, science fiction novels, Marvel and DC comics (Although I read their older comics more than their current ones), manga, anime, video games (Not just any, though), and paleontology.
They IMO are normal interests, but you cannot continue to believe that a woman will come into your life at the snap of your fingers. It's unrealistic thinking and we can still help you learn how to stand up to your family who in turn want you to behave like a walking, talking stereotype.
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Silly NTs, I have Aspergers, and having Aspergers is gr-r-reat!
Give up? I dunno, maybe. I just think of when I was a bit more like you and was constantly looking for that possible boyfriend and feeling I needed to attain ASAP because if I didn't by a certain time I'd be doomed or something. It made me absolutely miserable. The jealousy and loneliness sucked and I was making it harder on myself. I felt kind of desperate and that led to me making compromises and accepting things where I shouldn't. It ended up not being fair (sometimes painful too) to me or others and I regret that. If giving up seeking, for mean you means you are able to focus yourself on something else, sparing yourself some of that misery, then that might be a better option.
Short answer: You're not them and they aren't you. You must know this though, don't you? Perhaps it's more of "Why can't I be like everyone else?" that is slightly different. Why am I 'less than', why am I 'not enough" even though you can plainly see that you have things about that very well would be considered 'better" than some of those around you who seem to be having more success with just living. I can't say I have an answer as I ask myself that a lot. We are Aspie; we are too different to make others feel comfortable perhaps. But I understand the frustrating despair.
Has no love ever entered your life? Or is it just romantic love? When we shift focus of love to being more than just the romantic, it's easier to appreciate what love is already there and in turn makes the loneliness not so bad.
Pretty much anywhere you go you are going to find that a major catalyst of socializing and partying is Alcohol. How it's done may vary but it's certainly not something that just occurs in your area. Most times, as long as you have some form of drink in your hand, it is good enough. Other times, but more immature individuals are going to give you a hard time about you not drinking. But you're not the one that is likely to act like a moron and not be able to form a coherent thought in your later years now are you?
You have Thus far failed at achieving a relationship status other than single.
That might be if you're assuming people are meaning, "Physical attraction doesn't matter", when they say "looks don't matter". If I say, "looks don't matter" what I mean is, they don't have to be good looking by society's standards. Nor does my initial reaction to their looks need to be "They're hot". Perhaps that is what Lola8088 also means
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"Inside the heart of each and every one of us there is a longing to be understood by someone who really cares. When a person is understood, he or she can put up with almost anything in the world."
I have actually tried to not think about the girlfriend issue but seeing couples wherever I go, media focusing on relationships, and family members’ relationships keep making it stay on my mind. It’s like an injury that I can’t get treatment for.
It’s made me wish I could will myself out of life. I don’t want to live past my 30’s at this rate.
Pretty much anywhere you go you are going to find that a major catalyst of socializing and partying is Alcohol. How it's done may vary but it's certainly not something that just occurs in your area. Most times, as long as you have some form of drink in your hand, it is good enough. Other times, but more immature individuals are going to give you a hard time about you not drinking. But you're not the one that is likely to act like a moron and not be able to form a coherent thought in your later years now are you?
I have had romantic love in my life but it was brief so it often feels like it didn’t happen. Family love is not enough for me because they always get irritated with me.
I may not suffer from alcohol related problems but being an individual hasn’t paid off for me.
I'm sorry for the social minority experience. BTDT. To repeat myself in a different way: To survive --to thrive-- I had to choose what I didn't want as what I wanted and make it my own. It's far easier said then done to change focus: for me, lots of grief, loss and then move forward. There was one person who was doing amazing things in her "chosen" circumstances and said she still got twinges of grief from time to time but it lessened and she was living a life she loved. I'm trying to make that transition myself with my ASD self-diagnosis ---- embrace who I am, thrive. Once I can handle the teasing, I'll know I am more there.
nick007
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Joined: 4 May 2010
Age: 41
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Posts: 27,129
Location: was Louisiana but now Vermont in the police state called USA
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nick007
Veteran
Joined: 4 May 2010
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 27,129
Location: was Louisiana but now Vermont in the police state called USA
_________________
"I don't have an anger problem, I have an idiot problem!"
"Hear all, trust nothing"
https://memory-alpha.fandom.com/wiki/Ru ... cquisition
Yuck for discouragement. When it's so ridiculous perhaps it's easier to put aside? I'm fairly naïve and don't know those terms and won't bother googling them. I'll assume yuck.
Not that it's the same thing at all, but when I had infertility I hated it when folks would say "You need to stop trying" or "relax". Of course there is some truth in it, but it's incomplete and I did not find it encouraging.
I prefer: Kudos for all your efforts. I'm sorry it hasn't worked out (yet). I hope you find a way in which it days. Take care of you!
Yuck for discouragement. When it's so ridiculous perhaps it's easier to put aside? I'm fairly naïve and don't know those terms and won't bother googling them. I'll assume yuck.
Not that it's the same thing at all, but when I had infertility I hated it when folks would say "You need to stop trying" or "relax". Of course there is some truth in it, but it's incomplete and I did not find it encouraging.
I prefer: Kudos for all your efforts. I'm sorry it hasn't worked out (yet). I hope you find a way in which it days. Take care of you!
They are redneck and hip-hop thug philosophies. They want women to be subservient and perform oral sex on command to them.
Forgive me if I am wrong but isn’t infertility supposed to be permanent?
They don’t do that at all. They want me to give up because they think I am “dangerous” to women which is wrong. If anyone is dangerous to women, it’s the rednecks, hip-hip thugs, and “bad boys” who tell their girlfriends “Shut the f**k up, b***h!” and punch them.
nick007
Veteran
Joined: 4 May 2010
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 27,129
Location: was Louisiana but now Vermont in the police state called USA
_________________
"I don't have an anger problem, I have an idiot problem!"
"Hear all, trust nothing"
https://memory-alpha.fandom.com/wiki/Ru ... cquisition
Marknis,
I am curious as to why you repeatedly post questions with the same theme? It appears that your circumstances remain unchanged yet you so strongly desire a romantic relationship. The prognosis for a romantic relationship is not very good if the circumstances do not change. You have a good idea of what your situation is and I would suggest that you take something that can be easily achieved on the list and tackle it first. Once you are victorious over that one, then go on to another. One issue at a time. You are young and have time. I understand that it is easier said than done, but be determined, be persistent in you efforts to affect change in your life and the results may surprise you.
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The impossible is only something that hasn't been done yet.
I am curious as to why you repeatedly post questions with the same theme? It appears that your circumstances remain unchanged yet you so strongly desire a romantic relationship. The prognosis for a romantic relationship is not very good if the circumstances do not change. You have a good idea of what your situation is and I would suggest that you take something that can be easily achieved on the list and tackle it first. Once you are victorious over that one, then go on to another. One issue at a time. You are young and have time. I understand that it is easier said than done, but be determined, be persistent in you efforts to affect change in your life and the results may surprise you.
And I wonder why you thought it was ok to side with someone (serpentari) who attacked me?
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