Turned 31 without a girlfriend. Is it time to give up?

Post Reply New Topic

Yes, cold approaches with strangers out of blue never work, especially at dark. So DON'T do it.

Don't believe the proclaimed stories that they will come after this post.

"Boy cold approaching a stranger girl" is something ret*d that should remain in old novels, it's no more feasible*, it's done for. Period.

*Regardless of the venue, even in a pub it is no more feasible.

I relate to this 100%! My parents (particularly my dad) were super overprotective of me as a kid (I think partially as an instinctive response to the fact I almost died as an infant) even though I got along much better with the troublemakers in school

The “troublemakers” at school were rednecks so it would’ve lead to disaster if I hung out with them.

I'm going to be a broken record: you can't live your life looking for a relationship. They happen when you aren't looking. Live your life for you. Find a way to be content with who you are and what you do without having a partner to do these things with. Learn to be happy with you. Be your best self.

This isn't "giving up." This is being a healthy and complete individual.

The happy side effect will be that healthy and complete individuals are much more likely to meet their life partners (without even looking) and have it stick.

The way you obsess over this issue is literally a turn off. You are shooting yourself in the foot by staying focused on it.

Right. It all comes down to context. If you’re looking to make this happen, then you have to understand that girls will go out with the intention of getting picked up for...whatever. How do you spot these women? Do you know the appropriate way to approach them?

The cold approach does work in different contexts to a varying extent. I recently got back into community theater. It’s been more than 10 years and most everyone I knew is long gone. But there are women there I work closely with, we know each other’s names, send messages back and forth on GroupMe. If it’s never appropriate to cold-approach, and I mean EVER, then nobody would ever form any kind of relationship.

Would I feel comfortable randomly asking these girls out on a cold approach? No. But after talking to them regularly for a week or so, I don’t see why it has to be a problem. At that point it wouldn’t qualify as a cold approach, anyway.

A lot of times it might APPEAR to be a cold approach. More likely it’s two people who already know each other or have interacted before, or maybe have some other connection, like a mutual friend or something.

As to coming off creepy...it’s a problem I have, too. All I can say to that is if you become aware of what it is that makes you seem creepy (IF that’s really the case), you can adopt habits to fix that. Otherwise, people just have to get to know you. Once people think you’re ok and harmless, they’ll pretty much accept you.

There was a disabled guy at my church, and I still think about the poor guy. Somehow he attached himself to me and my family. He kept trying to invite himself over to my place to play video games, to which I kept telling him that I don’t really play games that much. And then he started wearing my wife’s patience thin, getting eerily close to our children and having zero boundaries. We actually do have a Sunday school class for special needs church members, and he absolutely REFUSED to have anything to do with it. Instead, he just kinda aimlessly lurked around the building, which put off a lot people, who in turn would get upset and come up to me and ask what drugs he’s on, like I’m responsible for him or something. Eventually he just vanished.

What I tell people on the outside, or for new people coming in, is that they have a bad xenophobic streak, that they are wary of outsiders who don’t fit in exactly. HOWEVER, and this is the important part, with patience anyone can break into that circle and feel accepted. It just takes time to get there. I’m proof of that. I hung out for a couple years, woke up one day, and suddenly I was a paid, on-staff accompanist. I don’t have any deep dark secrets on how to do that other than to say I was always THERE, so good things happened at the right time. I play piano, direct volunteer instrumentalists, accompany choir practice, and play for weddings and funerals. A few years after that started, my wife started teaching Sunday school. So I know that dealing with some of the wealthiest families in the area isn’t a matter of your own personal wealth, or how you look to someone at first meeting, or your speaking ability, or whether you came from a rich, local family that’s been here since sharecropping was a thing.

And that’s exactly the way it works for cracking ANY new group of people and making new friends. I can honestly say that if I weren’t spoken for, there’s not one single person at my church I’d ever WANT to ask out. The theater is a better prospect. However, over half the people there are underaged. But then there are those who aren’t. And if you get involved with that kind of thing, it usually serves as a gateway for making connections elsewhere. You’re not going to worry about cold approaches when you get there because at that point you already know everyone. Or looking like a creep...you WON’T because they’ll understand that’s just who you are. It might be easy to lose hope because of how much time it takes, but anyone can win at this.

So true.
Amazing how this advice gets ignored time and time again.
People sense desperation. One can't fake their way out of being desperate. The only answer is to focus on and improve self.

Interesting advice.  I wonder how so many other people arrive at the same conclusion and make it work ... ?

I can’t really know if others sense me being desperate and self-improvement is frowned upon in the Bible Belt. It’s all about following some stupid “plan from God” that is based on indoctrination and wishful thinking but those who buy into it insist it is real despite having no evidence for it.

You work on living your life and being your best self for YOU, not anyone around you. Try not to give a fig what those around you think. If something helps you feel happier, like a better person, and like your life has value, you do it. Ignore what you hear in the voices around you. They don't seem to be helping you.

This is advice for women.

It's been working for my son.

Yes, yes, yes.

It's good advice for all humans.

If self-improvement were frowned upon you'd be living with a bunch of adults who haven't matured past infancy, who can't dress themselves and go to the bathroom in diapers. If self improvement were frowned upon you wouldn't have some of the best college football teams in the country, nor would anyone ever graduate. From anything. Self-improvement is inevitable and mandatory. Your perceived base philosophy here is likely at odds at what your ASD mind understands to be ultimate truth. That's a hard way to live.

Hasn’t helped me in 31 years.

You don’t know my base philosophy. My base philosophy is striving to be authentic which the culture I live in frowns upon. It’s all about herd conformity and thinking everything you go through in life is “God’s plan”. The people around me don’t see their development as anything they put effort into but being blessed by or have passed a “test” by God.