I don’t what I have

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I have for many years lived with an abusive, abelist family. Whenever my pessimistic brain came up with a negative outcome, I felt that because I am so unlucky (What I believed) I had to do everything possible to prevent the negative outcome from happening. Usually I anticipated being yelled at or abused physically and emotionally. Even though I may not have been abused for a while, or not incident happened, I was so badly expecting it to happen and my anxiety was so bad in anticipation, I did everything possible such as avoiding any activity I know would set off the other person, being extra cautious around them especially on the day I anticipated the mistreatment.

Way back in 2004, I became so pessimistic that I believed I had something called reverse karma Basically I believed it worked like this. I felt that because I was so unlucky that when I do good things for other people the opposite will happen to me and when someone mistreats me the bad thing that was meant to happen to them, will happen to me instead, so I had this hopeless notion that either way I was stuck in endless cycle of bad luck.
One day in November, in the middle of my rut I had a bad day in school in which I bought several of my teachers coffee just to be nice and for them to treat me a little nicer as I believed they mistreated me because I was autistic and that I needed to prove them wrong about the type of person I was (I was 13 at the time).

Anyway, they treated worse that day than any day prior and I blew up at them in a mini meltdown accusing them of being autism haters which got me in only more trouble. Also the bullies were treating me worse that day and as usual they got away with it, so I theorized when I got home I was going to get my bad luck for buying the staff coffee, for yelling at them for how they were treating me and the bullies' bad karma that they were supposed to receive for bullying me.

The day prior my uncle warned me that if I watched the TV in the living room when he was home too loudly he was going to kick me out in the living room. So my mind came up with the worse case scenario imaginable that my uncle was going to go crazy yell at me like crazy and kick me out of the house completely. And being an aspie I did what most aspies did at that time and I perservetated over the negative outcome I tasked myself from preventing. I did everything such as keeping the living room extremely tidy, not watching TV at all, as I wanted to cover all possible angles that would set him off.

When he came home I was doing my homework and I was extremely anxious expecting the worst to happen. Then my uncle said something to me angrily. I asked extremely cautiously, what is it? and his response screaming almost at the top of his lungs. "Get out of the f****** house"! I screamed at him that I didn;t even watch tv and I demanded to know, now in a full blown meltdown why I was being kicked out and his response, "Because I said so!"

I said since I am being kicked out for no f****** reason I will go you a reason to kick me out and I began punching holes in the wall and throwing stuff in the house and I was cussing out my grandparents too at the top of my lungs as I accused my grandmother of telling my uncle that I expected to kick me out as I told what I expected to happen to her and to my care worker who visited me 5 days a week for 4 hours.

I didn't usually have meltdowns, but when I did have them, they were extremely bad and usually happened when someone was mistreating me and were retalitory in nature especially on abusive people who abused me on bad days.

From 2006-2012 I attended the Boston Higashi School which was an amazing school, I had some good years some bad years, depending on who my residential staff were that year, but overall I had a good time there.

When I was leaving, the school I was once again in my extremely negative mindset and I was fully expecting to be put in a 24 hour supervised group home, as my mindset was always used to really bad things happening because of my family since I felt they discriminated against me, and I felt the need to go over the top to demonstrate how wrong they are about me.

The plan was for me to live in an Independent residential apartment with limited supervision, but I knew for a fact that wasn't going to happen and I made it clear during the transition out meeting that with my family involved, that all my most negative predictions of where I was going to live was going to happen as I always believed and felt with all my heart that my mom was an autism hater who hated me for having autism who's only aim was to make my life as miserable as possible by taking away everything that I loved. And during the meeting I said that I dreaded moving in with my mom and stepfather because of my stepfather, and that the same s**t I was going through before I came here to Higashi was going to repeat itself and that it was going to be worse than before because I was so unlucky and because my family treated me this way.

On the way back to NYC for the final time, I got an earful from a very stressful car ride as to why I said to things to that man, and that I should know better than to say such negative nonsense to people.

In reality I couldn't be closer to the truth. In fact when I arrived home almost immediately I was made the household maid and forced to do all the chores in the house, such as vacuuming all the rooms in the three floor house, sweeping then and mopping them by my abusive stepfather to make it worse I had no rights or privileges at all and I wasn't allowed to play my video games and they were locked up in the garage. And I also was not allowed to have keys to the house which meant I was home alone all day basically a prisoner in my own house and forced to slave around all day long.

If that wasn't enough, when my siblings and mother came home I made them take off their shoes upon entry into the house as I did everything to prevent my stepfather from yelling at me.

Even though my mom promised me that I was not going to live in a group home I told her my believes and what I really thought was going to happen and I told her that I know you and I know what you’re going to do since you are an autism hater and discriminator.

I said those things because she treated me the way she wanted to treat me based on some stupid articles to read online about autism and videogames addiction. I explained to her that playing video games made me happy and at that special education school I was allowed to play between one and two hours a day and she said that this is her house with her rules.

And I strongly believed with every fiber in my being that the matter what I did to convince my mom she was going to put me in the most controlling environment possible even though she promised me otherwise and I felt like I had to go over the top so she would not put me there.

I had this weird behavior as when I made a pessimistic prediction that I was 100% certain was going to happen are use the catchphrase I swear to God because I’m so effing unlucky blah blah blah will happen and then when I finish making the prediction I banged my chest with my left hand three times really hard To make my point.

For several months until I started community college I was basically a slave around the house for us to do all the chores except cooking.

In that time since I left the Boston higashi school in August of 2012 until February 2013 I was unofficially the household maid/Slave and I was also the family scapegoat.

And then there was a meeting with an agency the plan wasn’t for me to live in a group home and for a while I felt relieved but then I began asking questions such as am I going to have staff all the time as I was anticipating that since I’m a pessimist and I was expecting it to be worse and I actually dissipate and then there was a meeting with an agency the plan wasn’t for me to live in a group home and for a while I felt relieved but then I began asking questions such as am I going to have staff all the time as I was anticipating that since I’m a pessimist and I was expecting it to be worse. While the plan was for me to have supervision only a few hours a day my mom basically betrayed me and during the meeting opted for a full 24 hour supervision by making up lies about me.

She made claims that I needed constant prompting and supervision for me to do the simplest tasks and she never mentioned how I was basically the family slave and me to do chores all day long while they were away at school or work. And during the meeting I had a huge outburst and I blew up at my family for them neglecting to mention how I was basically just leaving around the House and I did mention that I was left alone for six hours a day for us to do nothing but She made claims that I needed constant prompting and supervision for me to do the simplest tasks and she never mentioned how I was basically the family slave and me to do chores all day long while they were away at school or work. And during the meeting I had a huge outburst and I blew up at my family for them neglecting to mention how I was basically slaving around the house and I did mention that I was left alone for six hours a day for us to do nothing but cleaning work, and I wasn’t even allowed to play video games. And the CEO of the agency I shored me that all my basic rights and needs will be met and I would never go through what I went through with my family and I said but 24 hour supervision will only repeat what happened before this is not gonna be for transitional this is only to satisfy what my parents want.

They told me that this is only going to be for a few months to see whether I can live on my own or not.

I said that I will never leave that situation because my family will never let me leave they will always claim that I’m dependent on everyone and I made a very negative prediction that my family was going to force me to live like this for the rest of my life versus a few months as they promised and claimed as I was already right about this happening and I know I’ll be right just like I was all the other times.

A month later I started school and my stepfather made it almost impossible for me to get any schoolwork done. First of all he made me slave around the house all day on the days I didn’t have class and he made me go to bed I don’t absurdly early time and if I try to argue with him he blew up at me and became very emotionally abusive. He made me go to bed at 9 PM but everyone else was allowed to go to bed at 10. Even if I had a whole ton of homework to do he forced me to shut off the computer and go to bed and said I should’ve utilize my time better and when I got snappy with him and said it was his fault for making me do all these chores he exploded at me and said that maybe if I spend less time talking back I could’ve gotten my homework done.

He told me that the reason he was being so tough on me it’s because I’m such a negatively minded person and I deserved this type of tough life for being such a pessimist.

One day I had a huge assignment I had to get done in my class ended very late and I knew that as soon as I got in home from school my stepfather was going to immediately force me to go to bed without exceptions since he was a POS scumbag and discriminated against me for being autistic.

So I went to my grandparents house to do my homework and when I was there they are windows computer didn’t have Microsoft word which meant I wasn’t sure if my spelling was incorrect or not and I spent an assignment should’ve taken one hour o so I went to my grandparents house to do my homework and when I was there they are Windows computer didn’t have Microsoft word which meant I wasn’t sure if my spelling was incorrect or not and I spent an assignment I should’ve taken 1 to 2 hours, the whole night.

The next day I was panicking expecting something really bad to happen when I arrived at my moms house as my stepfather always hated when I avoid confrontations from him, or avoiding how he treated me.

He told me to go upstairs and go to bed at 7 PM and he knew I was in a very anxious state and I was panicking expecting that I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night because I had racing thoughts and I was having a panic attack, so I decided to go downstairs, but I was worried about setting off my stepfather so I try to do so very carefully as I always felt like being around him and his house was like walking on eggshells and he was a large part of the reason why I became so negative and pessimistic even though he hated that aspect of me.

The moment I started stepping up and down the stairs he started yelling at me like me like a wild dog, threatening me with physical violence if I left my room again. And when he was idling threatened with physical violence he was screaming at the top of his Longs in my tiny bedroom that was a converted office with the lights off and I had such a panic attack that I briefly blacked out for a few seconds and when I regained consciousness he was still yelling at me and when he left my ears had a buzzing noise and it wouldn’t leave until my mom came upstairs and comforted me that I finally calmed down and I told her how much I hated the family and I told her that she needs to the divorce that monster.

Fast forward a few months later I ended up living in the apartment with 24 hour supervision which was even worse than I am Magent since in a group home at least the attention will be divided among other individuals but I had it even worse I had nonstop staff bossing me around telling me what to do just like at home.

And the one good thing I had was that I was allowed to play video games and I tried to hide them from my family as I was certain again thanks for my negative mindset that they were going to confiscate them.

So whenever I knew my parents were coming I would hide my video games in my room and I made my staff not tell my family, but sooner or later they found out that I was lying to them as they considered hiding stuff from them being a liar and they confiscated all my video games in the worst part was that the staff went along with it and allowed my family to take away everything from me!

It turned out that my family threatened agency that if they allowed me to play video games and have my way they’re going to lie to the state and claim that my staff were abusing me to get me placed back in their abusive household.

It turns out that my years of thinking of my family was conspiring against me was not only true but in the worst possible way.

Ever since then I’ve been very cold and distant with my family and whenever my family comes to visit I become very nasty towards them and explosive and recently my mom in my own apartment in front of my staff threaten to call the police on one of my friends if I don’t stop talking to them, telling me she will make up some false accusations about that friend for being supportive towards me And I went berserk on her and I started banging and hitting everything in sight and my sister was witness to that as well and my mom got very scared and fled the house. I smacked the microwave so hard that I dented it.

And another thing is that I recently ended up in the hospital with a psychotic episode because of my family going into my apartment when I’m not there and taking pictures of my clothing and sending it to other abusive Homophobic/transphobic trump supporting family members.

When I found out what was going on just a few months ago I was already having a meltdown and then when that relative showed up I completely blew up at her and I force her to give me my phone since my staff told me what happened while I was out shopping and I threw a bunch of stuff in my room cursing at her telling her go vote for Trump you piece of shi I found out what was going on just a few months ago I was already having a meltdown and then when that relative showed up I completely blew up at her and I force her to give me my phone since my staff told me what happened while I was out shopping and I threw a bunch of stuff in my room cursing at her telling her go vote for Trump you piece of s*** go back to your nazi friends and I deliberately destroyed a bunch of family portraits in my room to send her a message that prying into my personal things and then status of showing it to other people will not be tolerated and that she was going to pay for it with my wrath.

Also I have hardly any friends because I’m so clingy as I fear that they will abandon me and once again I will be all alone to be mistreated and abused once again.

Also the few friends I do have don’t like that I try so hard to please them as I fear that no matter what I do they will abandon me and I must do everything so they won’t and I always try to buy things for them and be extra nice.

One of my friends who was abandoning, or who I suspected of abandoning me I started being very hateful towards them internally and suspected them of conspiring against me and in the end I was right but the fact that I accused blatantly of doing it openly made them so angry that they deliberately spread more rumors about me which got me losing even more friends.

I don’t know why whenever I make a negative prediction for myself and no matter what I do to prevent it from happening it still ends up happening and whenever that happens I have a gigantic out-of-control meltdowns usually, in my bedroom.

There are plenty of friends in here. It must have taken you ages to write that. It is good to write and share things. It gives relief that someone else knows what you are going through. That in itself can be a blessing.
Counsilling may help. Just a friendly non judgmental person who you can unload to. Someone who is trained and has no other connections.

I am no expert in knowing what is best to do, and only once so far in my life I have had counselling, and it was a totally unexpected experience for me. It was me talking and all the other person did was listen, and occasionally ask things which were designed to get me to talk, as when I first got there I was nurvous and I clam up when I am nurvous.

Another idea in your circumstance is if you could be living somewhere else where your family can't reach you. I will say something briefly here and don't be offended about this. You mention that you had friends but some no longer stay in touch. Two reasons for this. One can be that when you have meltdowns they may find it difficult, but another is that if they meet your family and you then have a meltdown and your family say things to convince your friends you are not to be trusted etc... It is not easy.

Now the good thing is... This site you can share things on. Yes, we may say negative things on occasions, but we are not out to get you. We are wanting to help you.
Now I am a Christian. I know within me that Jesus is real. I know He loves You. People are judgemental. Peaple are not perfect. Even the best of friends can let you down, but Jesus is a friend who never lets you down.

Now I am going to pray a simple prayer. I bind you to the will of God in Jesus name. Amen.

(If you don't believe that is no problem. Think of it this way. If God is real, good things will happen. If not, then what I have said are just words).

So don't worry. You have new friends in here.

I have a diagnosis of autism and generalizing Zaidi but I’m not sure if I have bipolar or borderline personality as the Volta mood swings and meltdowns I have are indicative of BPD, so is the feelings of worthlessness and that people are plotting behind my back, which in my case usually ends up being reality.

Thank you so much!

You are welcome. I'm afraid I don't know much as I am still learning myself. I joined this site to ask questions and there are some brilliant minded people on here who have ways of answering that I can fully understand. No questoon is too silly for them to answer. I am so greatful for the members on this site who have shared their knowledge and thoughts.
Hopefully some others will have read your post and can reply. Have patience.

The sheer state of being autistic is enough to give anyone generalized anxiety because the world keeps throwing weird and unpleasant things at you. So, in a way, anxiety is a rational response! Similarly, being autistic can make it much harder to work out who you are (I think somewhere upstairs I have a report from an ASD specialist which uses the phrase “weak self-concept”...), and that would be consistent with Borderline Personality Disorder. The trouble is, the professionals who diagnose these additional things, such as anxiety disorder or personality disorder, usually have no idea what it’s actually like being on the autism spectrum in the first place. Anxiety and mood swings and negative thoughts are pretty typical of ASD anyway, so there’s not much point in overdiagnosing a whole load of other stuff, except maybe it might help to highlight some of the ways in which your particular ASD tends to manifest itself.

I have quite literally lost count of the number of psychiatrists, psychologists, psychotherapists and psychiatric nurses I’ve seen in the past 25 years, but most of them overlooked the ASD and were more keen on diagnosing something else, without realizing that whatever other disorder they claimed to be identifying was simply a part of the ASD which I had. Also, it was noticeable that no two of them came up with the same diagnosis! So I wouldn’t waste too much time pondering whether you could be bipolar or borderline (I’ve been diagnosed as both, before now...): those are just labels, and the professionals are pretty slapdash about how they apply their labels; meanwhile, you’re you, and it’s about learning how to live as comfortably as you can in your own head.

Good luck with the domestic situation you describe, which sounds awful. Family can be part of the problem, rather than part of the solution! Hopefully you may get a bit more control over your own life one day.