So that's it

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I have this feeling that I'm meant to be on my own. I just sense that I'm not going to meet anyone now. It's just been one disaster after the next. Over the past 20 years nothing has ever gotten off the ground. No relationship has begun.

I'm used to being on my own now. It's not that bad.

I'm annoyed that it's not a decision I've made for myself. Rather it's just a fact that I have to accept. The last guy hurt me so much that I've realised that I don't want to keep putting myself out there and get hurt anymore. I just dont see how I can trust anyone again.

Madness is doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome. Trying to date and expecting that someone might actually like me back, madness.

I never wanted things to turn out this way. When I was a teenager I knew a few middle aged women who were on their own, never dated, and I used to look at them and wonder how they ended up like that and would shudder and think, "that will never be me."

But here I am.

There's worse things. I have a pretty good life.

I just need a good friend now that I can go traveling with and that's my life pretty much sorted.

I wish my health was better, but that's not something I have control over either. I'm awake at 1am with another head cold.

Likewise. Doubtless all of us in this austere boat will eventually get blindsided by a completely different reality, but it's as if we're not in reality, that's my 2 cents anyway.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

this song spoke to me-

I’ll never be use to being alone, I’m not meant to be. But what I’m meant to be and what I can be never matched up.

I’ve noticed lower functioning autistics I’ve seen usually have gfs.

There’s no solution I see, even if by some miracle I win lottery I can never have a relationship. Atleasr I could travel. I dream of living in Japan for 6 months to year. Just renting a apartment there and soaking in the culture. Then come back to live in Indiana. Maybe split my time 6 months there 6 months here.

But it’s just a dream. Did get to go to zoo today, first time I’ve left city in years. Never been.

Hope best to you, hope you recover and stick with it. Least you get guys that’s more then I’ve got. Odds are eventually one might stick as for me odd of 0 women sticking is 0. Meeting and dating others is only way to find someone who’ll want you like you want them. Take time to recover and try again. If not just for you then for others like me who’ll never even get chances.

I'm glad you made it to the zoo sly. That sounds fun.

It's probably good to keep the goal of a loving relationship on the "back burner."

I had "the goal of a loving relationship" frontmost in my mind when I was in my early 20's. That did me no favors. It made women disgusted with me.

Only when I decided that I had to have other interests other than "a loving relationship" did I find a little success.

I don't feel, Hurtloam, that you should lose hope. I really don't.