A connection that burned out... the love that never was

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You over-invested and way too early (I've done it). I can see your reaction at a few months into dating, but not two dates. I can't count the number of dates that have never gone past 1, never mind 2. You will experience situations like this for as long as you date, but if you invest this much each time you will become burned out and bitter. Dating is an exploration. You get to know each other deeply over time. I've actually found that soul confessions and 'connections' on the 1st few dates bodes badly. Look up "future faking" and be watchful for it while dating. Keep your head about you during the early dating game.

There's quite a few Homicide Hunter episodes where Kenda gets called into work at very unfortunate times. One that comes to mind is when he's having dinner with his wife at a nice resturaunt. Another is when he's having christmas with his family. There's some other where he Juuuuuust got off work after a ridiculously long day, only to be told he needs to come to the scene of a homicide.

Now, imagine this. You and him are on the way to the hospital, about to have a baby, and he gets called into work. Therefore you he has to drop you off there and leave.

What I'm getting at is, would you REALLY want that in your life? I know I wouldn't.

I would try to look at it that way instead of being too upset that he's so unavailable.

Being in love with someone who just so happens to have one of those kinds of jobs, therefore it doesn't work out. One of countless things that make life so depressing at times. I feel your pain

Overinvesting is usually not something that I have a tendency towards. I rarely feel much of a connection to anyone I meet. It was difficult to not to get involved in this particular situation because he reaaaaaaally tried to pull me in. I had never experienced any kind of romance ever before, and this was so much intensity so quickly. We're talking about 23 hours (spread out over days) of extremely intimate emotional and physical contact. I couldn't really process it.

He actually resurfaced on Wednesday night, asking me what I'd been up to and letting me know that he had gone swimming in the river close to my house, and that he almost called me because it would have been nice to see me after his late-night swim. He also said that there was one thing he'd been meaning to tell me about our last night together, but he wasn't sure if he should or not. "Maybe I'll tell you over the phone." Then, three more days of silence. I'm not sure if this guy is playing games, or if our last night together really touched a nerve inside him that he is struggling to work through. Probably the latter.

Regardless, it looks like he is not going to work out and I need to start moving on. The entire experience has left me feeling immensely weak and needy in a way that I have never been before in my life. Usually I am pretty good at self care, even when I am super depressed. All of a sudden I need lots of people to lean on at all hours of the day. The emotional support hotlines won't even take my calls anymore because I have called so frequently.

This is playing. And there is only one reason he'd want to see you after his "late night" swim. A guy who wants to know you/be with you makes the time. He's not, but he may be setting you up for sex.

I know what you're talking about. If any other guy said something to this effect, this is the assumption I would make. But when he came into my bedroom last week, he was terrified of having sex. It was an extremely vulnerable experience for him. Anything beyond kissing was "too much too soon" for him and whenever we tried to go further, he'd pull away with tears in his eyes. After we went to sleep, he spent much of the night clutching onto me and whining when I got up to go the bathroom. It was obvious to me that he was really struggling with sexual contact.... it seemed that there was some kind of deeper issue at hand. Hard to believe that anyone is that good of an actor, especially when he could've possibly scored that night but didn't even try.

He doesn't strike me as a particularly sex-driven fellow, but of course, that doesn't necessarily mean he isn't playing games. I feel like my entire rhythm has shifted ever since he appeared in my life and I don't know how to get myself back to my normal depressed self, rather than the needy depressed self that I am right now

Well after reading all of that, I do hope you recover from this soon. It sounds as if he's busy, running away from his problem, whatever it is.

I am a sensation seeker and put myself "out there" - the more I do, the more support I need. I accept that and try to spread out my needs, but even so I have been "uninvited" to (NT) support groups. Since the hotlines are out, wishing you other avenues and methods for emotional regulation. I hope you can find ways to reduce the anxiety to a bearable level and not have to shutdown into depression as much.

I finally found out the whole truth about this guy.

He was a sociopath who was playing me all along.

He had written on his profile that he wouldn't have that much time for dating because of his new job, and then deleted his profile. But this girl and I were flipping through OKCupid using her account, and I saw that his profile has been up this entire time. He actually blocked me. He blocked me the day before we even met IRL. Because he wanted to perpetuate the illusion that he was serious about dating me. He carefully planned the entire deception right from the beginning.

This entire past month, he has been stringing me along via text message to keep me on my toes, without any real dating intentions at all. He would disappear and then reappear the moment I was convinced he had ghosted me. But would always drop off the conversation whenever I said anything about meeting me again.

I can't believe that the person who treated me with such tenderness was lying the entire time. I wanted so much to believe that a connection like this could be real, that something so magical and beautiful could actually happen for someone like me. It felt sooooooo real. It was the first time in my life that I ever felt seen and accepted by anyone. But the truth is, all he saw was an insecure, vulnerable person who he could use to stroke his ego.

He never actually respected me. Everything that happened between us was a lie. He said he thought I was wonderful just the way I was. He kissed me and held me. And he never saw anything in me at all. I am beyond shocked right now. Can't even process it.

(( hugs ))

There are many sociopaths out there, male and female alike. I'm sorry that this happened, but I'm glad you found out. He seemed fishy from the beginning and your gut instinct told you so. Now you know how to read your own intuition, and what signs to watch out for.

You deserve better, and I'm sure you'll find someone who is.

@SummerAndSmoke, I am so sorry. I am glad you figured it out.

The assessment question "does manipulation and lies confuse me" confuses me. I mean, there are situations where I know a person in a position of trust lied, but I can't believe it. I'm not confused, I'm in disbelief. Believe it, eh?

Have you read "Autism in Heels" - your experience (in retrospect thankfully) was briefer, but similar to her abusive relationship. The author went on to have a healthy relationship.

Rest, recover. Wishing your healthy relationship is on its way!

Damn, girl, that was cold. I'm 59 years old, and it takes a lot to make me say that. Every time I hear of something like that happening, it makes me more nervous that I'm going to inadvertently screw up my next date.

Well, to answer the original question, Yes I believe I have, and No not necessarily, but when it does amount to nothing, it certainly tears me apart: I'm still recovering from one intense 8-hour encounter, followed by some intense texting and letter-writing, followed by about three weeks of silence followed by being told in no uncertain terms to leave the girl alone ... and all this happened nearly a decade ago! It destroyed my next relationship too because the connection between myself and that lady was so un-intense by comparison, so insipid, so anaemic, so uninspiring compared to the intensity of the previous one; and yet in fact this subsequent relationship was a promising one with a lot going for it, which I actually believe could have become long-term (could even still be going on right now, in fact). So I have now been single for seven years, and have very mixed feelings about ever getting close to anyone ever again. But I haven't completely given up hope, and I hope you won't either.

I am soo sorry your situation panned out in such a cruelly, breathtakingly disappointing way. It's impossible (for me at least) to imagine this guy's motivation or rationale. But never mind him. You deserve better and you needn't give up just because of this one unbelievable freak. All good wishes.

Yes. I remember that feeling all too well. Not sure I've fully processed what happened to me in the years-ago instance I mentioned. Just a question of putting one foot in front of the other until time puts a bit of distance between you and this hideous disappointment. All you can do is keep going. Easier said than done, but possible.

I am relieved that you have discovered the truth with relatively minimal damage. I married just such a guy, a true narcissist and suffered greatly for it. Narcissists are devious manipulators who can "sniff out" vulnerable prey. Tony Attwood the Australian psychologist advises aspie women to take an NT friend or family member with an astute judge of character to meet potential boyfriends, they will help you make a safe choice.

I talked with him on the phone today. I confronted him about the dating app account. He couldn't provide any real explanation or excuse for having blocked me. He just said that "I'm a very flawed person." And that he hasn't invited me out in a month is because he has been out of state for work the whole time. He isn't the best at communicating but did go out of his way to stay in touch. That in itself, along with many other things he said, could have been a potentially innocent reason under different circumstances. But within the context of everything he's done, it just doesn't add up to a nice picture.

It seems that his deception may not have been quite as reptilian or premeditated as I initially assumed. He told me that he had honestly disabled the account at first. But then he returned to OKCupid weeks later because he has a weakness for looking at beautiful women. He said that if I could forgive him, he would like to continue talking to me. He would delete his account, if I want him to. But he also understood if it was necessary for me to end our contact in order to feel safe, though he wouldn't be happy about it. He would leave me alone and give me time to figure out whether or not I want to pick things up again.

At this point, it's hard for me to tell the full extent of just how much this guy is lying. But then I did some fiddling around with the blocking function on OKC. They recently revised the site so that as soon as you have been blocked, their profile appears to be deleted, and their messages disappear as well. It was only within recent weeks that I actually saw his message thread was gone from my inbox. So it seems that he was at least telling the truth about that. He didn't necessarily meet me for the first time with the conscious, planned-out goal of fake seduction.... it looks like he decided to block me much later.

My therapist, who was listening in the room at the time of the call, said that he sounded predatory and like an "almost good person." But not good for me at all. The terrible thing is, a part of me is still tempted to make up with him so that I can hold onto the beautiful experiences we had together! But I know I can't do that. If I kept seeing him, the cycle of dishonesty would probably continue to perpetuate itself and this conversation would have to repeated multiple times. And each time, he would likely say the same kinds of things he said this afternoon. This is how abusive relationships happen.

The hopes I had that he could've loved me and been a good partner are pretty much destroyed by now. The thing that tortures me so much is whether or not, in spite of his deviousness and manipulation, any of the connection we had was actually genuine. Is it possible that even though he turned out to be a douchebag, he was attracted to me on some level? Over the phone today, he swore that what happened those two nights was 100% true and authentic. I want so so so much to believe at least that. I don't think he has lied about EVERYTHING. But he has lied enough that I don't know what he says can be actually listened to.

Oh, honey, I think maybe you already know the answer, i.e. run away from this man, and then grieve and cry and bleed as much as you have to (possibly with the aid of your therapist, but mark you they don't know everything), and then live to fight and live and love another day.

It could have been true. On another, future occasion, it may yet be true. So, no blame to you for having hoped it might be true this time. But it clearly wasn't.

Perfection is a binary condition: one or zero. On this occasion, it clearly falls short of a full and complete 1, so alas we have to give it 0.

Oh, hey, poppet, we're here to hold your hand, but we can't turn a barrel of piss into a crock of gold.

The man you deserve would never lie to you about anything important. This one has. And leopards do not repeat NOT change their spots.

There are people here for you. And you have your therapist. Hopefully, those things may help a little.

Stay strong, honey.