Always having underlying negative thoughts

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Marknis
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Joined: 24 Jan 2016
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Posts: 5,025
Location: The Vile Belt

16 Sep 2019, 9:30 pm

I always have some sort of underlying negative thought when it comes to doing things, even when they are hobbies. I can shelve a whole cart of library books but I will think the whole time something like “This job is killing me.” or “Why does that jerk over there have a girlfriend and I don’t?” I can drive my car to places and I will think about all the negative things in my life. Even if I put on a CD, I will despair at how I don’t have any songs of my own. If I try reading a comic book or a manga, I will feel bad I can’t draw as good as the artist and feel daunted by what I would have to do if I ever finally started to draw again. I don’t know if it’s just depression or Aspergers teaming up with the depression but it’s been this way since I was 17. I remember listening to CDs and feeling horrible that I wasn’t in a band. It still happens 14 years later.



roronoa79
Deinonychus
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Joined: 22 Jan 2012
Gender: Male
Posts: 349
Location: Indiana

17 Sep 2019, 12:33 am

It does sound like you're experiencing depression or something like it. Maybe also anxiety? It sounds like you worry you aren't doing more with your life. What would you say keeps you from trying to write music or drawing? It's easy to psych yourself out by always thinking that there's always someone better than you.
When you're starting out with a hobby or craft it can be easy to get yourself down because you think whatever you're working on "isn't good enough". I do this aaaaaaaall the time. The trick is to just work in small steps. Focus on finishing smaller projects so you can take a look at the final product and see what things you don't like and what things you do like. Nothing keeps you from getting things done like trying to get things done perfectly.
As for work, I don't really know what to tell you beyond seeking alternative employment (although I would recommend against it unless you have a good idea for somewhere else that you could find a job that you would like better). I've hated most of my jobs but sadly that's just how it can be sometimes. Even if work sucks you can still come home and focus on yourself. Work tomorrow is going to suck like it usually does, but I can come home and try to get better on guitar or learn more about a topic that interests me.


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I guess I just wasn't made for these times.