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roronoa79
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17 Sep 2019, 12:22 am

One of my close friends who is also on the spectrum has a tendency to snap at people, especially their friends. (I worry that I've made a topic about this before but my memory sucks sigh). Most of the time it's not serious or nasty. It's just that in just about any conversation I have to worry about being not-quite-snapped at. I'm not sure how to describe it. They take a short-lived negative, condescending tone when they become irritated that comes and goes usually very quickly. Each instance of this is so minor that it doesn't really feel right to call them out for every tiny snip but over time it builds up to the point that me and some of their other friends consider being around them to be an exercise in anxiety (granted, we have anxiety disorders and are on the spectrum too, but it goes beyond the default anxiety that goes with regular interaction).
I'm just having trouble figuring out how to get my friend to stop doing this. It never feels like a good time to bring up the subject because each individual instance of this is so small that it doesn't feel worth the confrontation.


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Mona Pereth
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17 Sep 2019, 10:29 am

You might find the following tutorial helpful, if you're not already familiar with the techniques described therein: How To Be Assertive Without Being Aggressive (podcast & transcript).

Another thing: I tend to snap at people when my concentration is broken abruptly -- and I tend to be concentrating on something most of the time. I suspect this is common among autistic people.

If that's what the problem is, I would suggest that you see what happens if you try to be more gentle and gradual about getting your friend's attention. For example, say just your friend's name at first, then pause and wait for your friend to respond before you say anything else. If your friend is like me, this will cut down on the snapping. If so, you might advise his other friends to do likewise.


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Justin101
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17 Sep 2019, 3:14 pm

roronoa79 wrote:
One of my close friends who is also on the spectrum has a tendency to snap at people, especially their friends. (I worry that I've made a topic about this before but my memory sucks sigh). Most of the time it's not serious or nasty. It's just that in just about any conversation I have to worry about being not-quite-snapped at. I'm not sure how to describe it. They take a short-lived negative, condescending tone when they become irritated that comes and goes usually very quickly. Each instance of this is so minor that it doesn't really feel right to call them out for every tiny snip but over time it builds up to the point that me and some of their other friends consider being around them to be an exercise in anxiety (granted, we have anxiety disorders and are on the spectrum too, but it goes beyond the default anxiety that goes with regular interaction).
I'm just having trouble figuring out how to get my friend to stop doing this. It never feels like a good time to bring up the subject because each individual instance of this is so small that it doesn't feel worth the confrontation.


You've kind of set yourself up to fail?
You indicate the only way of making them aware is to remark when they do it, yet on such occasions you convey it is pointless bringing it up to them. It's like saying you have a boulder that needs rolling up a hill, but that it's pointless to push it.

I would say you could keep a record of the incidents, and then when they accumulate bring it to your friend's attention, but I have a feeling you'd come up with a reason why that, too, wouldn't be 'right'.

Other way is you snap at THEM a few times. They'll get the message, hopefully :ninja: