Feeling depressed due to being single at 30

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Leon_Trotsky
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17 Sep 2019, 1:16 am

Hi everyone.

I am a 29 year old male with Asperger's from San Francisco, California, USA who has never been able to have a girlfriend and am still a virgin despite not wanting to be. I turn 30 in October. Since as of today there is only one month and one week left before my birthday, I am naturally quite concerned that I will be turning 30 next month being in this state.

I have always been a shy, introverted, anxious and awkward person. Perhaps I spent too much time studying, focussing my entire life up until my mid-20s on studying. I studied two degrees at an American university--mathematics and pre-med molecular biology, thus having twice the courseload of a regular student. I then went to the UK to study chemical engineering.

At that time, I neglected my entire social life, and had no dating life to speak of. I spent basically the whole day trying to stay afloat with my studies. My only other serious hobbies were and are introverted activities, such as competitive chess and foreign languages.

When I was around 25 I felt very lonely and sad that I still had never had a girlfriend and was still a virgin. I felt pain knowing that to be a virgin this old as a male is very taboo and looked down upon. I joined meetup groups, met some interesting people, and went on a few dates, but it seemed that women just did not like me.

So here I am at age 29 and 11 months old, still without a girlfriend and still a virgin. I feel very depressed and enormous shame for how I am. I feel depressed as well for feeling missing out on love and sex like most males my age.

But what really pains me is seeing and hearing comments from women that someone in my situation must be very weird to have always been single and a virgin. Especially since I am not religious, so I am not practising abstinence at all. I just simply ended up this way.

My mother also has Asperger's. She was a virgin and single until age 27. But just like me, this was not by choice; she just ended up that way. Her father (my maternal grandfather) may have had Asperger's. He was a virgin and single until age 41. Again, not by choice. Might explain why I am in my 20s yet have a grandfather who was born before the end of the First World War. Virginity and relationship problems (plus autism spectrum disorders) seem to run through my mother's side of the family.

I would like if any female members here have any opinion of this. I have lived most of my life in USA and went to uni both here in USA and in Britain. Yet my general impression was that both American and British women would find me totally undateable, unattractive and a weird freak due to being single and a virgin at almost 30. I hope my fears are not true though.

Any advice/thoughts would be appreciated.



TimS1980
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17 Sep 2019, 4:39 am

Save one encounter at 19, I was in your position at 31. It's about the same as at 30. Then I hooked up without being careful enough that the one I chose was compatible.

That's how I found out there's something I preferred less than being single at 30 - that's being in a relationship with a woman who wasn't a good fit with me.

So, my advice is, keep the faith, try new things, but exercise caution and restraint before committing. And if something comes along, keep up the birth control for a while!

I like to think having my diagnosis would have helped me make a more compatible choice. Anyway, those are bygones for now.



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17 Sep 2019, 5:43 am

Welcome to Wrong Planet, Leon. I am glad you are here.

I don't think anyone can solve your problem with one post or so, but you will find others with the same problem and some support.

How would other people know your sexual status if you don't tell them? It's none of their business until the relationship has grown close and comfortable.

You could try looking in a group of people with your interests, at a religious group, in a soup kitchen or homeless shelter. People who work at the latter locations tend to be caring. Look for a friend first.


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The Grand Inquisitor
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17 Sep 2019, 7:00 am

OP, your predicament is not uncommon among men with Asperger's. While younger than you, I'm struggling with the same issue, as are a reasonable number of men, and a few women, who frequent this site.

Where do you think the problem lies? Why might women not be interested in going out with you? Have you tried putting yourself in situations where you might be able to meet women? Are you overweight or underweight? Are you generally considered physically unattractive? What's your occupation and job status like? What have you tried in the past to meet women?


blazingstar wrote:
How would other people know your sexual status if you don't tell them? It's none of their business until the relationship has grown close and comfortable.


I can't speak for the OP, but I would certainly fear getting with someone in a sexual context, who totally expects that I would know what I'm doing, only to find out that I don't. They could feel betrayed as a result of me not telling them about my virginity status. They might not have agreed to have sex had they known that I was still a virgin. And if it's someone you've been getting to know for quite some time, that could be even worse. They might not have pursued anything with you, had they been aware of your virginity status.

blazingstar wrote:
You could try looking in a group of people with your interests, at a religious group, in a soup kitchen or homeless shelter. People who work at the latter locations tend to be caring. Look for a friend first.

Interests, yes, but this won't work so great if all OP's interests are male-dominated. If OP has interests that are more gender-balanced, or better yet, female-dominated, that has a better chance of working.

Religious group, well OP said he was not religious, so the only reason he'd be attending would be to find a potential girlfriend, which I think is not a good sole reason to go to anything, unless it's a singles group or something like that, because if he doesn't find a partner from that group, he gets nothing out of going there. This is all before even considering the fact that OP said he was non-religious, so any woman who is serious enough about her religion to attend a religious group isn't likely to want a non-religious partner. Not only that, but if OP revealed he's an atheist and was subsequently questioned about his reasons for being at the religious group, he'd be faced with the choice of embarrassing himself and telling everyone he's there looking for a girlfriend, or he'd have to lie.

With the soup kitchen or homeless shelter, if OP would choose to be there of his own volition and find the work rewarding in and of itself, that's not a bad idea, but if he's begrudgingly going in hopes of finding a girlfriend, I don't think that's a good idea. I can't speak for OP, but if I was to look for a partner by working at a soup kitchen or a homeless shelter, I'd just resent that I was doing it if I didn't get a romantic partner from it, because it's not something I'd volunteer to do if I had a partner, or wasn't looking for one. And if I did get a romantic partner from it, I'd stop volunteering, and if I met my partner there and I stop volunteering, the truth comes out and it becomes pretty obvious that I was never volunteering there for the sake of volunteering.



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17 Sep 2019, 7:16 am

^^^^ All good points, GI. I missed he said he was not religious. I was also just providing options or ideas, not that the OP should do any of these things. And your cautions are spot on.

And my saying he could not disclose his virginity until later in a relationship, I certainly meant it should be explained at or near the time of starting a sexual relationship. Sorry if that was not obvious.

As a woman, I would wonder why someone would tell me at our first coffee together that he was a virgin. That would be a put off. Unless I was in the mood for making virginal conquests. :D


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17 Sep 2019, 7:18 am

I will try to offer some perspective though I am an older female.

Embrace your weirdness. It is never going to change so enjoy your own personality. People love people who love themselves.
Do make an effort to understand manners and not offend anyone.
That said, Justin is right about being "too nice." Be considerate but remember that only those people that have earned a spot on your friend list deserve your highest level of kindness. Keeping this in mind also prevents you from appearing desperate, which almost always creates social repulsion.
Turn your focus from inwardly examining how you appear and instead focus outwardly on those around you. Create curiosity about the people around you. Make an effort to connect with people that offer a smile or make a friendly comment to you. Don't just respond to young women in whom you might be interested but to lots of different people. In this way you can practice connecting and this will create a network. Networks are the way NT's seem to function in my humble and imperfect opinion. Networks also can lead to finding what you are seeking.
I wish you good luck!



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17 Sep 2019, 7:39 am

You’re Leon Trotsky.

You’re a smart man with lots of education.

The “right woman” will respect your knowledge.

You don’t have to say you’re a Virgin while you’re dating somebody.

There are probably more “late virgins” than 20-30 years ago.



The Grand Inquisitor
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17 Sep 2019, 6:32 pm

blazingstar wrote:
And my saying he could not disclose his virginity until later in a relationship, I certainly meant it should be explained at or near the time of starting a sexual relationship. Sorry if that was not obvious.

As a woman, I would wonder why someone would tell me at our first coffee together that he was a virgin. That would be a put off. Unless I was in the mood for making virginal conquests. :D

I just reread your comment and I'd missed the part about "until you grow close and comfortable".

I wouldn't think that proclaiming you're a virgin when you first meet the person would generally be a good idea, but if you go too long without disclosing that, and the other person finds it to be a deal-breaker, you've wasted their time. The best time to disclose it is difficult to discern.

I'd be pretty annoyed if I'd spent weeks getting to know someone and seeing if they'd be compatible with me for a relationship, only to then be told something that would have stopped me from pursuing them in the first place, like if they have an STD, or if they're transgender, or maybe if they know they're infertile and only decide to reveal that information after weeks of getting to know them.

Being an older virgin without it being your choice as a guy puts you in a difficult situation.



Whatislove
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20 Sep 2019, 7:34 pm

I,m in the same boat. 29 will be 30 on 27 oktober.
I wanted a relationship once in my life before age 30, taste and enjoy young adult life. Since april im on 3 date sites. tinder= 100% crap i think over 500 swipes 40 superlikes i handed out. Only 1 contact whit a few messages. Or extremely fat ugly woman who liked me, in total i got 6 woman that liked me 3 ugly for match. Two where nice but no messages back. Its been hard work for me, spending from 2-12 hours each day sending personal messages, it kills me at first. Because it really hurts to sent out messages u typ whit your soul, just simply get ignored most of the time or not even readed. Its rude u put so much effort in a nice story how u like some 1 they dont even open your message. I learned online dating is extremely toxic its really something u need to build a shell for because most woman online are indifferent. Im really sensitive i felt whit each new approach something died in me. Some real meant effort. Now i just copy/paste a good story whit my intrest, what i like to do whit a girl and if they respond then i start a real conversation.
My stats on 2 serious date sites.I started a conversation whit 300 different woman. Had 2 dates. 1 was a failure and 1 was a fun date but not my type she smoked and her breath was far from good. But lets go back to numbers, the date chance = 0.75% chance on a date. Succes Rate still 0% for me :( Im am 5 months in progress of online dating. Whit atleast 600 hours spent. My deadline is getting close i want my virginity for a special someone. But looks like its not going to happen before my 30. So i took prostitute 3 weeks ago gived her the most disappointed time in her life haha. Visit her littel over a week ago a second time. Beautiful Latin Girl 24 Age, This time i did much better exspecially the licking part. For rest i gived her messages a few hugs and a lot of soft pleasent strokes. It feels wonderfull but damn expensive around 175 dollar for a hour. But my advice if u have the cash and running out of patience, fck all these normal impossible girls that only look for close to perfect males. Whit a good job, stable friends life etc. Most of them need someone that is good for there selfimage. If they know you are autist 99% runs away out of fear of the unknown and stereotype ideas. If something plays a big role for NT its group acceptance and attention. We are not the persons they like to brag about when they get home or friends place. Yeah im littel salty, but i think the truth is not far away. My respect for any woman that does date us, wish more woman where just as great as you, i would luv u like no tommorow. But again just go to the red lights, enjoy your time. Be carefull find a good hooker for sex. I hope u will find love. But having fun and littel body to body contact keeps u going, at least i feel better. I think the cuddle harmones are kicking in. But still the idea is sad that i most take these steps to be whit a woman, pay lot of my life savings to be lil more happy. If u only gived me a chance to love.



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20 Sep 2019, 8:45 pm

Half of marriages in United States ends in divorce

So what is so bad about being single?



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21 Sep 2019, 9:58 pm

The title of this thread begins with "Feeling depressed ...."

You might be interested in the thread A suggestion for some (not all) heterosexual autistic men, wherein are debated the pros and cons of attending a depression support group, making friends there, and perhaps eventually finding a partner there (a reasonable possibility given that the women there are likely to outnumber men), while hopefully learning to cope better with depression in the meantime.

EDIT: I would suggest that you also attend groups (e.g. Meetup groups) that pertain to topics or activities relevant to your hobbies/interests, especially those interests of yours (if any) that are likely to be shared by women as well as men.

In any case, you should aim to make friends (of both sexes), not just seek a romantic partner.


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22 Sep 2019, 5:22 am

People never pair up based on interests, this is a common cliché myth.



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22 Sep 2019, 6:25 am

Sure they do.

Many people happen to connect while they are working together or going to school together.

It’s no guarantee, though.

But it would make for a nice, rich relationship.



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22 Sep 2019, 11:24 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
People never pair up based on interests, this is a common cliché myth.

It's probably rare to pair up just on the basis of a common interest and nothing else, but, for many people, a common interest can certainly be an important one of the reasons for pairing up.

Certainly that was the case for my BF and me.

For me, having one or more common interests (the more, the better) has always been a sine qua non for a serious relationship.


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22 Sep 2019, 4:29 pm

I have been exactly where you were not even a year ago but I finally have taken a more active approach to dating at 31. The biggest thing is not only to expect rejection but embrace it, own it. I use to be a p**** about rejection and avoided dating just so I wouldn't have to deal with it. Now I deal with it head on and it's not that bad. Online dating makes it so easy. A girl loses interest in me? Okay, fine. Not a big deal; she stops answering my texts and I find someone else. Better than being rejected in person at some damn bar, right? There literally are so many people out there and I understand meeting people on sites takes time but for me I've learned what works and what doesn't work with women and learn from my mistakes to get better at it. It's all trial and error. To me, learning to meet people was like learning a new subject. It takes a lot of studying to succeed at it and get adequate results. Also for most women,
you don't have to tell them you're a virgin. Just tell them you're rusty. Research about sex. It's not rocket science.


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22 Sep 2019, 11:02 pm

I am intentionally answering without reading any other comments. I think you sound like a smart and capable young man who a woman would be lucky to be with. While I am well aware that being a virgin at your age is seen as weird, I also don't think it's an obstacle that cannot be overcome. The trick is what you project and how you address the situation.

What not to do:
Complain about it. Woman don't like to date men who drag them down.
Blame the situation on women, your ASD, or factors outside of your control (even if all of that is true).

What to do:
Approach it head on in a positive way.
Own the choices that made dating difficult and lead to your situation: "For years I prioritized my education and career over relationships and I am very proud of what I have accomplished. However, that choice has made entering the world of relationships difficult. I'm behind where other men my age are at in many different ways, but I am also starting the process from a more secure place in my life. If you are interested in me, we have an opportunity to embark on a unique journey together. I can understand it won't be everyone's cup of tea, but if you are open to the idea I think we can be really good together. Be assured it was never lack of interest in women or a lack of a sex drive; I just was more focused on other things that I am now reaping the benefits of."

Spend some time allowing yourself to mentally reset so that you are ready to spin this as a good thing. For the right woman, it will be. Remember that it really does not matter at all what most people think. It will only matter what the one woman who would be a good match for you thinks. You only need the one in a hundred. The rest would not have made you happy anyway.


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