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Caz72
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28 Sep 2019, 4:45 pm

as an autistic I like everything to be in a organised order
IV had my 14 y/o son living with me for about 5 weeks now and hes been tidy but today when I got home from work I had a meltdown
he must have had a friend in cos he had raided the pantry and theres empty packets on the living room floor and his Xbox 3 is untidily hooked up to the tv and not put away like I normally ask him to do
he was out when I came in so I rang his mobile phone and told him to come home immediately and tidy up his mess then go straight to his room
he did do as he was told but he thought it was funny and kept giggling at me which got me angry

how do I deal with this behaviour?do I ground him?or what ?


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Sweetleaf
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29 Sep 2019, 2:20 am

Caz72 wrote:
as an autistic I like everything to be in a organised order
IV had my 14 y/o son living with me for about 5 weeks now and hes been tidy but today when I got home from work I had a meltdown
he must have had a friend in cos he had raided the pantry and theres empty packets on the living room floor and his Xbox 3 is untidily hooked up to the tv and not put away like I normally ask him to do
he was out when I came in so I rang his mobile phone and told him to come home immediately and tidy up his mess then go straight to his room
he did do as he was told but he thought it was funny and kept giggling at me which got me angry

how do I deal with this behaviour?do I ground him?or what ?



He left his xbox untidily hooked up? and that is the thing you are having a meltdown over? He's a kid, kids can be untidy sometimes I do not think it is anything to give a harsh punishment for. Seems like you have a problem with any untidiness and may be expecting a bit too much from a kid in that area. He may have forgotten to put it up or maybe its more of a hassle than you think. I mean I have my xbox constantly hooked up to the t.v as its sitting on a little entertainment center hooked up. You could potentially get a small entertainment center or t.v shelf that the console could sit on while remaining hooked up and that would be more likely to solve the untidily hooked up console problem than grounding him for it.

I play video games and am an adult and I can say it would be a terrible hassle to unplug it every time to put it up, much better to have a t.v shelf the console can sit on while remaining hooked up so you just turn it off when your done instead of going through a whole process of unplugging everything.

Also you say as an autistic 'you like everything to be in order' well whether or not your son is autistic he may not have that same sensitivity. So may be a good idea to think about if you are punishing him simply because you have an extra sensory issue with clutter and its hard for you to deal with him creating clutter or if he has actually done something wrong. I mean autistic or not doesn't seem right to punish a kid whenever they set off your specific sensitivities by fairly normal kid behavior. I mean if you kind of overrreact whenever he so much as leaves a cord untidy, hes just going to see it as ridiculous and rebel more and more. I know it always enraged my sister and I when my mom wanted us to help clean the house....then she'd go around and criticize all the cleaning we tried to do for how we didn't do it quite right or missed a small spot. We probably would have had more respect and more willingness to help her clean the house on the weekends if she had focused more on encouragement than berating us for any small mistakes or missed spots.


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DW_a_mom
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29 Sep 2019, 3:58 pm

I think the best way to get him to deal with the behavior is for him to see how negatively the mess affects you. He may have giggled, but he also became aware. Now explain to him that while it may have home across to him as funny, your brain wiring is such that you are always going to react that way, and if he cares about you at all he will never intentionally do that to you again.

Some people are naturally messy, and don't understand the point of tidy. He's probably one of those. But he CAN understand the point of not intentionally upsetting someone he is living with. So. Be honest. Let it be personal. Instead of coming across as a dictator with unrealistic demands, let him understand this is a need of yours, and teach him how people who live together respect each other's needs. That is basic human kindness.

I raised two teenagers. Orders and punishment aren't very effective. It just drives a wedge.

I also remember very very clearly the day, as a teenager, that I came home late and had forgotten to update my mother. She was on the sofa in tears from the stress when I got home. Until I saw that, I saw her rule as overdone, her worrying too much about something silly. After I saw that, I realized I had really hurt her and vowed to never do it again.

Our kids don't want to hurt us. They want to push the boundaries, they want to rebel, but they don't enjoy actually causing us distress. Use that reality.


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29 Sep 2019, 6:37 pm

When I was 14 I got called a big baby for making a mess in the living-room, and my mum isn't even house proud. I even got called a big baby for having a messy bedroom.


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Caz72
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30 Sep 2019, 12:03 pm

I was more angry with him cos he thought it was funny when I told him to clear up his mess.

hes 14 not 4.hes old enough to be able to clear up behind him its not only the xbox but also the empty food packets he left all over the floor

hes nt by the way not autistic.


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DW_a_mom
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30 Sep 2019, 3:26 pm

Caz72 wrote:
I was more angry with him cos he thought it was funny when I told him to clear up his mess.

hes 14 not 4.hes old enough to be able to clear up behind him its not only the xbox but also the empty food packets he left all over the floor

hes nt by the way not autistic.


It is my opinion that it is better for you to let go of the anger you feel for him thinking its was funny. Teenagers aren't always in full control of their emotions. Just like you have a right to feel upset that he can't keep a house perfect (which, really, is your compulsive need, not a universal standard), he has a right to be amused in the moment. If you help him understand why it is hard for you, and that his getting amused makes it worse, then hopefully he can work to check that amusement. But don't let anyone's instinctive emotions affect your parenting decisions. If you don't want to be judged for your emotions, you should not judge other people for theirs. But you CAN have a conversation about it so he'll be more respectful of your feelings in the future.


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06 Oct 2019, 10:54 am

First, show and explain to him how he needs to put his X-Box away. If he doesn't put it away when he's done playing with it, take it away from him for the day.


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07 Oct 2019, 3:58 pm

Well, I'll be damned. A teenager left a mess. It's a tragedy that puts "Romeo and Juliet" to shame. I'm shedding a tear as I read this thread. /s Sorry (not really), OP, my sympathy for you is very, very limited.

You're an adult. You have coping methods that your son can only dream of. So when he makes a mess, use those methods. Drink a shot of whiskey. Smoke or vape some tobacco. Eat a marijuana edible. Have a heart-to-heart with a friend. Watch an adult movie of your choice. Get yourself an antidepressant prescription. Can your son use these methods to calm himself down after you berate him yet again? Probably not. He only has his own mind.

If you keep this up, he'll join the Army the minute he turns 18, and write a letter telling you how chill and laid-back his drill sergeant is.



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07 Oct 2019, 4:42 pm

On the contrary I can agree that the OP is right. A 14-year-old should be able to clean up food packaging off the floor; a skill he should have begun to learn about the time he discarded diapers.



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07 Oct 2019, 4:49 pm

Caz72 wrote:
I was more angry with him cos he thought it was funny when I told him to clear up his mess.

hes 14 not 4.hes old enough to be able to clear up behind him its not only the xbox but also the empty food packets he left all over the floor

hes nt by the way not autistic.


But still why is he having to put away the xbox rather than just having a proper set up to begin with? You want to avoid this:
Image

you want something more like this:
Image
Where console has a designated spot it sits at all times and wires are all hooked up in back instead of on the floor between t.v and seating. That way whether you are playing or not using it, it always looks more organized.


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07 Oct 2019, 5:03 pm

Borromeo wrote:
On the contrary I can agree that the OP is right. A 14-year-old should be able to clean up food packaging off the floor; a skill he should have begun to learn about the time he discarded diapers.


Its also quite possible for a 14 year old kid to get side-tracked and forget. Also in the O.P it says the kid is usually tidy...so yeah I'd say he probably forgot and it does seem a bit of an over-reaction to make him come home and go to his room because he left some snack wrappers once.


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07 Oct 2019, 7:54 pm

Aspie1 wrote:
Well, I'll be damned. A teenager left a mess. It's a tragedy that puts "Romeo and Juliet" to shame. I'm shedding a tear as I read this thread. /s Sorry (not really), OP, my sympathy for you is very, very limited.

You're an adult. You have coping methods that your son can only dream of. So when he makes a mess, use those methods. Drink a shot of whiskey. Smoke or vape some tobacco. Eat a marijuana edible. Have a heart-to-heart with a friend. Watch an adult movie of your choice. Get yourself an antidepressant prescription. Can your son use these methods to calm himself down after you berate him yet again? Probably not. He only has his own mind.

If you keep this up, he'll join the Army the minute he turns 18, and write a letter telling you how chill and laid-back his drill sergeant is.


Those so-called coping mechanisms you suggest could easily turn out worse for the child, or even get him removed by social services. Children with parents who are drunks do not grow up happy or feeling secure in any way; alcohol turns a parent unpredictable, which is always confusing to a child. Smoking and vaping can leave your child with health and respiratory issues (I grew up with a smoker, I'm a prime example of the respiratory issues). Outside of the "have a heart to heart with a friend" (an option which is also open to children), your list is about the worst list for a parent ever. I hope you weren't serious. Your concept of how the adult life of a parent can look is extremely messed up. I value it when you share how you felt about certain things as a child, but giving coping advice to a parent is pretty far out of your wheel house.

You aren't wrong, however, noting that if the child feels the parent is being unreasonable (which I assume is what you wanted to say) it won't turn out well. And meeting these strict needs is more than 99% of parents ask for, regardless of whether the child is actually capable of it or not. That is why I suggested they help the child understand where they are coming from and what their needs are. Hopefully their child is more capable of understanding than you are and will want to help their parent feel better.


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07 Oct 2019, 10:33 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:
Those so-called coping mechanisms you suggest could easily turn out worse for the child, or even get him removed by social services. Children with parents who are drunks do not grow up happy or feeling secure in any way; alcohol turns a parent unpredictable, which is always confusing to a child. Smoking and vaping can leave your child with health and respiratory issues (I grew up with a smoker, I'm a prime example of the respiratory issues). Outside of the "have a heart to heart with a friend" (an option which is also open to children), your list is about the worst list for a parent ever. I hope you weren't serious. Your concept of how the adult life of a parent can look is extremely messed up. I value it when you share how you felt about certain things as a child, but giving coping advice to a parent is pretty far out of your wheel house.
I facepalmed pretty hard while reading this.

I was pointing out that a parent HAS access to alcohol, tobacco, marijuana (select states only), and antidepressants. Using them is optional, but the opportunity is THERE. They're more effective for relaxation than anything a child or teen can even hope for! Obviously, the OP won't use them in front of her son. She can use them when he's out of the house or sleeping. I suppose I was luckier than a lot of aspie kids: I figured out how to sneak whiskey and buy cooking wine (which the store sold to me, because it's not subject to 21+ restrictions).

Now, 'scuse me while I pour myself an IPA as bitter as my feelings. (See what I did there? 8)) Just because I can.



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07 Oct 2019, 11:00 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
Borromeo wrote:
On the contrary I can agree that the OP is right. A 14-year-old should be able to clean up food packaging off the floor; a skill he should have begun to learn about the time he discarded diapers.


Its also quite possible for a 14 year old kid to get side-tracked and forget. Also in the O.P it says the kid is usually tidy...so yeah I'd say he probably forgot and it does seem a bit of an over-reaction to make him come home and go to his room because he left some snack wrappers once.[/quote.

Thanks for the input. I forgot what being 14 is like.



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08 Oct 2019, 3:17 pm

Aspie1 wrote:
DW_a_mom wrote:
Those so-called coping mechanisms you suggest could easily turn out worse for the child, or even get him removed by social services. Children with parents who are drunks do not grow up happy or feeling secure in any way; alcohol turns a parent unpredictable, which is always confusing to a child. Smoking and vaping can leave your child with health and respiratory issues (I grew up with a smoker, I'm a prime example of the respiratory issues). Outside of the "have a heart to heart with a friend" (an option which is also open to children), your list is about the worst list for a parent ever. I hope you weren't serious. Your concept of how the adult life of a parent can look is extremely messed up. I value it when you share how you felt about certain things as a child, but giving coping advice to a parent is pretty far out of your wheel house.
I facepalmed pretty hard while reading this.

I was pointing out that a parent HAS access to alcohol, tobacco, marijuana (select states only), and antidepressants. Using them is optional, but the opportunity is THERE. They're more effective for relaxation than anything a child or teen can even hope for! Obviously, the OP won't use them in front of her son. She can use them when he's out of the house or sleeping. I suppose I was luckier than a lot of aspie kids: I figured out how to sneak whiskey and buy cooking wine (which the store sold to me, because it's not subject to 21+ restrictions).

Now, 'scuse me while I pour myself an IPA as bitter as my feelings. (See what I did there? 8)) Just because I can.


The OP should not use them for coping AT ALL. Using chemicals as a coping strategy can turn for the worse quickly, and is NEVER something a parent should try, in front of their children or not. Parents simply do not have the option of risking addiction, dependence, mood change, behavior changes, or other possible negative side effects. I'm not saying a parent can never responsibly drink, etc., but they should never be choosing it to cope; that is the part that is a very dangerous road. People aren't prone to stay responsible with mechanisms used to cover pain or stress. As a single adult you don't have to worry at a critical level about how your choices affect the lives of others. That is not true for a parent. Don't face palm; you are out of your element here. This remains UNACCEPTABLE advice to a parent. Parents are not in any way as "free" as you seem to think they are. Accept that you have no accurate vision on this. You are stuck on ideas formed when you were a child, and they are, to put it bluntly, not only incorrect, but dangerous. Perhaps your parents were closest alcoholics or addicts and that is why they handled things so poorly with you; I have no idea, but your experience and your ideas developed from it is NOT normal.


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