Accepting too many red flags

Post Reply New Topic

I read a comment on one of the L&D threads that struck a chord with me.

Someone said that they had trouble leaving a relationship because this was the only woman who had ever shown an interest in them and even though things were toxic, it was hard to let the only love you'd known go.

There's another aspect to this. I almost gave someone another chance because friends of mine were so keen for me to "finally find someone" that they were actively telling me to give him another chance, "don't let him think he's blown it" etc. even as just a friend.

Then I made a new friend who gave me clarity. She said to me, "It's ok not to feel alright about this situation. You don't have to accept being treated like that." She had no years long interest in me finally finding someone. She saw things as they were with no emotional bias.

And the little voice inside of me that has been saying that for months, finally had validation.

It's not a good relationship, even as a friendship. It never was. I was grasping at straws because other people and I finally wanted something to work out.

It's ok to walk away.

There were some posts on here from people who are clearly in bad relationships.

It's ok to walk away. If the other person makes you feel like your insides have been gutted and you're going home and crying every night. You don't have to take that.

Walk away. It's your life. You don't need to tick a relationship box off your list just to make other people think you are normal.

You are lovable.

Yes! You are lovable. I was in the same situation when I was in my twenties. I used to hear "Thank God, She finally met someone." The older people sounded like they were finally getting rid of me while the younger people said it like I was finally good enough to be in their group - like old gym class where I finally got the ball through the hoop. The problem was this: It's not about finally meeting someone. It's about finally meeting someone who respects your opinions and feelings. Has regard for you as an equal human being. Genuinely either likes you or feels something even deeper. I met a lot of young men who took terrible advantage of me. They used me for sex. Borrowed money from me that they never returned, cheated on me, gossiped about me, disrespected my parents, abused my pets and at one point beat me up. The beating came when I discovered I was abused and tried to assert my value as a human being -- at least I liked myself still despite everything else. Anybody can meet people. The challenge is meeting people who are good to you and want to stick around and be a couple too. Sometimes I wish that this website was held in a giant conference room where all "true" members could meet each other. I think a lot of us would find life-long partners and life-longs friends as well. Also, when you say "It was hard to let the only love you've known go", it's more about the fact that you, yourself enjoyed the love you wanted to give to another. People often say that phrase but they mean that they had to let a truly good person go because perhaps they had to leave the state to go work somewhere else or had a terminal illness, etc... You shouldn't be sad that you had to let a bad person go. That's a thing that you MUST do to survive. Reciprocity is what is needed in love relationships and in friendships too.

I'm sorry you had to go through that RightGalaxy.

But there really is too much pressure from well meaning relatives in some families.

My aunt's will always ask me... "so, have you met anyone yet?"

And it's made me feel like such a failure at life. And I'm sure they don't mean it like that.

Even here there's pressure. "No, don't take time to re-group. You can't possibly be happy on your own. Get yourself onto that online dating."

It is what dating is all about, ad why rushing into a relatioship is not such a good idea as one gets too emotionally involved. By dating and giving time.. Having a little patience.... (I find 6 months of dating before one really gets to know the other person) . So when the initial love blindness starts to fall off one has the real thing. And then both parties can decide if they are meant for each other.

That was so beautiful....




Btw, your lately posts indicate that you're becoming wise and old.

Monopolistic competition


"Beggars can't be choosers"

Even beggars don't deserve to be treated badly.

Oh you certainly can measure the quality of the treatment.

I'm too tired to write a good response I wasn't expecting someone to argue that they actually deserved to be treated badly or that wanting to be treated with kindness is some kind of delusion.

I never thought I deserved to be treated badly. I wasn't actually willing to accept that in the first place, but I've slipped slowly into not so nice treatment by others, because things started off nice, in the early days of them trying to make a good impression. Thankfully I don't tend to end up in romantic relationships with not so nice people, but I've had some bad "friendships".

As you learn more about someone you piece together how they really are and eventually there are too many straws and the camel's back breaks.

I reckon a lot of people in bad relationships look at the good times, the infrequent good times, and think, "Well, he/she may have dramatic shifts in mood from one day to the next, but they had a bad childhood (or other excuse) and even though they're cold and some of the things they say are cutting on those days, when they're in a good mood they make me feel so loved. Ok, so that only happens once in a blue moon these days, but when they're kind, they're really kind. I can take the days of stone cold silence and sullen looks. The lack of comittment (this is vague, I mean he/she is ok to hang out with you occassionaly, but no one can see you together on too regular a basis or this relationship might look too serious) and the not turning up to pre-organised things and the ignoring me."

There's someone out there who will want to spend time with you. Someone who won't treat you like an inconvenience when they can't be bothered with you. Someone who won't belittle your opinion to make themself feel superior. Someone who won't gaslight you. Someone who won't make you feel small. And even if there isn't, it's better to be alone than suffer emotional torture and be caused to doubt your own self worth.

Life is not fair. You can't choose when you die, or whether you will develop cancer, or whether the company you work for will go bust, but you can choose who you will allow into your life.

You can't just roll over and accept to be treated badly just because, "oh well, life is bad" or "being treated badly is subjective."

Sometimes life is very, very good. And we can have the power to improve it by saying, "no, i will not be treated like this."

Sadly, I have done this many times, because (a) almost nobody in my area has the same interests as me, and (b) I get very emotionally attached to people, and when I fall for someone, I fall hard and fast.

Nope, nope, nope.

No one, well not usually, holds a gun to your head and says you have to be with someone toxic.

It's your life.

I'd rather be alone than be with someone who doesn't really love me and who makes me feel 1 inch tall with their harshness and coldness.

Does their love leave you feeling good? Or often just like crap.