Accepting too many red flags

Page 1 of 3 [ 32 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3  Next

hurtloam
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Mar 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 6,802
Location: Eyjafjallajökull

05 Oct 2019, 4:51 am

I read a comment on one of the L&D threads that struck a chord with me.

Someone said that they had trouble leaving a relationship because this was the only woman who had ever shown an interest in them and even though things were toxic, it was hard to let the only love you'd known go.

There's another aspect to this. I almost gave someone another chance because friends of mine were so keen for me to "finally find someone" that they were actively telling me to give him another chance, "don't let him think he's blown it" etc. even as just a friend.

Then I made a new friend who gave me clarity. She said to me, "It's ok not to feel alright about this situation. You don't have to accept being treated like that." She had no years long interest in me finally finding someone. She saw things as they were with no emotional bias.

And the little voice inside of me that has been saying that for months, finally had validation.

It's not a good relationship, even as a friendship. It never was. I was grasping at straws because other people and I finally wanted something to work out.

It's ok to walk away.

There were some posts on here from people who are clearly in bad relationships.

It's ok to walk away. If the other person makes you feel like your insides have been gutted and you're going home and crying every night. You don't have to take that.

Walk away. It's your life. You don't need to tick a relationship box off your list just to make other people think you are normal.

You are lovable.


_________________
I love your Vivienne Westwood shirt
Why won't you let me wear it?


RightGalaxy
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Dec 2008
Age: 59
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,403

05 Oct 2019, 5:33 am

Yes! You are lovable. I was in the same situation when I was in my twenties. I used to hear "Thank God, She finally met someone." The older people sounded like they were finally getting rid of me while the younger people said it like I was finally good enough to be in their group - like old gym class where I finally got the ball through the hoop. The problem was this: It's not about finally meeting someone. It's about finally meeting someone who respects your opinions and feelings. Has regard for you as an equal human being. Genuinely either likes you or feels something even deeper. I met a lot of young men who took terrible advantage of me. They used me for sex. Borrowed money from me that they never returned, cheated on me, gossiped about me, disrespected my parents, abused my pets and at one point beat me up. The beating came when I discovered I was abused and tried to assert my value as a human being -- at least I liked myself still despite everything else. Anybody can meet people. The challenge is meeting people who are good to you and want to stick around and be a couple too. Sometimes I wish that this website was held in a giant conference room where all "true" members could meet each other. I think a lot of us would find life-long partners and life-longs friends as well. Also, when you say "It was hard to let the only love you've known go", it's more about the fact that you, yourself enjoyed the love you wanted to give to another. People often say that phrase but they mean that they had to let a truly good person go because perhaps they had to leave the state to go work somewhere else or had a terminal illness, etc... You shouldn't be sad that you had to let a bad person go. That's a thing that you MUST do to survive. Reciprocity is what is needed in love relationships and in friendships too.



hurtloam
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Mar 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 6,802
Location: Eyjafjallajökull

05 Oct 2019, 5:57 am

I'm sorry you had to go through that RightGalaxy.

But there really is too much pressure from well meaning relatives in some families.

My aunt's will always ask me... "so, have you met anyone yet?"

And it's made me feel like such a failure at life. And I'm sure they don't mean it like that.

Even here there's pressure. "No, don't take time to re-group. You can't possibly be happy on your own. Get yourself onto that online dating."


_________________
I love your Vivienne Westwood shirt
Why won't you let me wear it?


Mountain Goat
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 13 May 2019
Age: 47
Gender: Male
Posts: 4,183
Location: Wales, UK.

05 Oct 2019, 6:27 am

It is what dating is all about, ad why rushing into a relatioship is not such a good idea as one gets too emotionally involved. By dating and giving time.. Having a little patience.... (I find 6 months of dating before one really gets to know the other person) . So when the initial love blindness starts to fall off one has the real thing. And then both parties can decide if they are meant for each other.


_________________
Awaiting asessment. Neurodiverse 173/200. Neurotypical 21/200.
Empathy 11/80. AQ 39. May make sense to some. :)


The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 28,681
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

05 Oct 2019, 9:57 am

That was so beautiful....

Image


Btw, your lately posts indicate that you're becoming wise and old.



shortfatbalduglyman
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Mar 2017
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,740

05 Oct 2019, 4:36 pm

Monopolistic competition


"Beggars can't be choosers"



hurtloam
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Mar 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 6,802
Location: Eyjafjallajökull

05 Oct 2019, 4:52 pm

Even beggars don't deserve to be treated badly.


_________________
I love your Vivienne Westwood shirt
Why won't you let me wear it?


shortfatbalduglyman
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Mar 2017
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,740

05 Oct 2019, 6:30 pm

hurtloam wrote:
Even beggars don't deserve to be treated badly.



You don't always get what you "deserve"

You might not "deserve" what you think you "deserve"

Some five year old children dropped dead and they didn't "deserve" it



What is "treated badly" is vague and subjective


You can't measure the quality of the treatment



hurtloam
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Mar 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 6,802
Location: Eyjafjallajökull

05 Oct 2019, 11:37 pm

Oh you certainly can measure the quality of the treatment.

I'm too tired to write a good response I wasn't expecting someone to argue that they actually deserved to be treated badly or that wanting to be treated with kindness is some kind of delusion.

I never thought I deserved to be treated badly. I wasn't actually willing to accept that in the first place, but I've slipped slowly into not so nice treatment by others, because things started off nice, in the early days of them trying to make a good impression. Thankfully I don't tend to end up in romantic relationships with not so nice people, but I've had some bad "friendships".

As you learn more about someone you piece together how they really are and eventually there are too many straws and the camel's back breaks.

I reckon a lot of people in bad relationships look at the good times, the infrequent good times, and think, "Well, he/she may have dramatic shifts in mood from one day to the next, but they had a bad childhood (or other excuse) and even though they're cold and some of the things they say are cutting on those days, when they're in a good mood they make me feel so loved. Ok, so that only happens once in a blue moon these days, but when they're kind, they're really kind. I can take the days of stone cold silence and sullen looks. The lack of comittment (this is vague, I mean he/she is ok to hang out with you occassionaly, but no one can see you together on too regular a basis or this relationship might look too serious) and the not turning up to pre-organised things and the ignoring me."

There's someone out there who will want to spend time with you. Someone who won't treat you like an inconvenience when they can't be bothered with you. Someone who won't belittle your opinion to make themself feel superior. Someone who won't gaslight you. Someone who won't make you feel small. And even if there isn't, it's better to be alone than suffer emotional torture and be caused to doubt your own self worth.

Life is not fair. You can't choose when you die, or whether you will develop cancer, or whether the company you work for will go bust, but you can choose who you will allow into your life.

You can't just roll over and accept to be treated badly just because, "oh well, life is bad" or "being treated badly is subjective."

Sometimes life is very, very good. And we can have the power to improve it by saying, "no, i will not be treated like this."


_________________
I love your Vivienne Westwood shirt
Why won't you let me wear it?


Last edited by hurtloam on 06 Oct 2019, 12:02 am, edited 1 time in total.

Tim_Tex
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Jul 2004
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 45,530
Location: Houston, Texas

05 Oct 2019, 11:41 pm

Sadly, I have done this many times, because (a) almost nobody in my area has the same interests as me, and (b) I get very emotionally attached to people, and when I fall for someone, I fall hard and fast. :(


_________________
Who’s better at math than a robot? They’re made of math!


hurtloam
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Mar 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 6,802
Location: Eyjafjallajökull

06 Oct 2019, 12:12 am

Tim_Tex wrote:
Sadly, I have done this many times, because (a) almost nobody in my area has the same interests as me, and (b) I get very emotionally attached to people, and when I fall for someone, I fall hard and fast. :(


Same.

I'm just lucky the other party has always discontinued the relationship before it got too serious/off the ground. But I do get too attached. And I didn't feel lucky each time I was dropped, but I can see how they were all wrong for me.

Don't get me wrong, I've liked some really lovely guys, they do exist, but they weren't into me.

It sucks when you're only appealing to dysfunctional people.

I need to work on a more positive vibe and draw more positive people to me (this may be nonsense and not how it works at all.) One of my friends told me that the general consensus is that I'm nice and likable and everyone has good things to say about me and I need to see myself the way that others see me.

One of my married male friends expressed surprise when he found out no one was interested in me. He's like a brother and was in an "if anyone messes you around I'll give them what for" mode. Ha ha, I don't need protecting anyway, but especially not when there's no interest, either good or bad lol.

Maybe I'm too nice and troubled souls are drawn too me because I make them feel better. They just don't know how to reciprocate in a mature way and though they genuinely do like me, don't have the skills to be good partners or are so damaged that they can't truly trust anyone or allow themselves to become too close to anyone.


_________________
I love your Vivienne Westwood shirt
Why won't you let me wear it?


shortfatbalduglyman
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Mar 2017
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,740

06 Oct 2019, 3:46 pm

hurtloam wrote:
Oh you certainly can measure the quality of the treatment.


Different people have different preferences and expectations.

I'm too tired to write a good response I wasn't expecting someone to argue that they actually deserved to be treated badly or that wanting to be treated with kindness is some kind of delusion.


Nobody "deserves" to be "treated badly". But sometimes someone does something that makes them deserve a response that they find bad. For example, someone, rightly or wrongly convicted of murder, "deserves" jail.

Some people find something "kind". Other people find the same thing, not "kind"

For example some people love compliments

But I find compliments as judgmental as insults

There is no "delusion" involved

Sometimes it is entitled and arrogant to act like they deserve utmost kindness



I never thought I deserved to be treated badly. I wasn't actually willing to accept that in the first place, but I've slipped slowly into not so nice treatment by others, because things started off nice, in the early days of them trying to make a good impression. Thankfully I don't tend to end up in romantic relationships with not so nice people, but I've had some bad "friendships".


"Bad" according to your standards, is not necessarily "bad", according to anyone elses standards

As you learn more about someone you piece together how they really are and eventually there are too many straws and the camel's back breaks.

Yes

I reckon a lot of people in bad relationships look at the good times, the infrequent good times, and think, "Well, he/she may have dramatic shifts in mood from one day to the next, but they had a bad childhood (or other excuse) and even though they're cold and some of the things they say are cutting on those days, when they're in a good mood they make me feel so loved. Ok, so that only happens once in a blue moon these days, but when they're kind, they're really kind. I can take the days of stone cold silence and sullen looks. The lack of comittment (this is vague, I mean he/she is ok to hang out with you occassionaly, but no one can see you together on too regular a basis or this relationship might look too serious) and the not turning up to pre-organised things and the ignoring me."



Nobody is perfect


Cost benefit analysis



There's someone out there who will want to spend time with you.

There are seven billion people in the world

There is no guarantee someone wants to spend time with you

And if they did, they might want to, rape you

You are not telepathic and you don't know what they are thinking


Someone who won't treat you like an inconvenience when they can't be bothered with you.

They brusquely ask "may I help you?", As though you are a burden


Someone who won't belittle your opinion to make themself feel superior. Someone who won't gaslight you. Someone who won't make you feel small.

They might act like that today but , that's no promise of tomorrow




And even if there isn't, it's better to be alone than suffer emotional torture and be caused to doubt your own self worth.


Yes but you can't measure your "self worth"

Even the exchange rate of monetary currency changes daily




Life is not fair. You can't choose when you die, or whether you will develop cancer, or whether the company you work for will go bust, but you can choose who you will allow into your life.

Family is not your choice

Monopolistic competition

Moral obligation

Sometimes you "have" to deal with someone


You can't just roll over and accept to be treated badly just because, "oh well, life is bad" or "being treated badly is subjective."

Correct

Sometimes life is very, very good. And we can have the power to improve it by saying, "no, i will not be treated like this."


In some situations this statement is correct. In some situations, "Beggars can't be choosers"



hurtloam
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Mar 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 6,802
Location: Eyjafjallajökull

06 Oct 2019, 3:51 pm

Nope, nope, nope.

No one, well not usually, holds a gun to your head and says you have to be with someone toxic.

It's your life.

I'd rather be alone than be with someone who doesn't really love me and who makes me feel 1 inch tall with their harshness and coldness.

Does their love leave you feeling good? Or often just like crap.


_________________
I love your Vivienne Westwood shirt
Why won't you let me wear it?


GiantHockeyFan
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 18 Jun 2012
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,212

07 Oct 2019, 6:53 am

hurtloam wrote:
Don't get me wrong, I've liked some really lovely guys, they do exist, but they weren't into me.

It sucks when you're only appealing to dysfunctional people.

I need to work on a more positive vibe and draw more positive people to me (this may be nonsense and not how it works at all.) One of my friends told me that the general consensus is that I'm nice and likable and everyone has good things to say about me and I need to see myself the way that others see me.

One of my married male friends expressed surprise when he found out no one was interested in me.

Maybe I'm too nice and troubled souls are drawn too me because I make them feel better. They just don't know how to reciprocate in a mature way and though they genuinely do like me, don't have the skills to be good partners or are so damaged that they can't truly trust anyone or allow themselves to become too close to anyone.


Reverse the genders and this entire sentence could have been written by me in 2014. I did notice that the only people who seriously dated me had significant issues, far more than I have ever had in my life. One for example admitted being sexually abused repeatedly and that's why she moved here from Montreal. Dare I say it, even my wife recently admitted that she is a "loser magnet" before quickly backtracking a bit. It would probably have felt better being a dateless virgin than to believe the only women who would give me the time of day were all seriously messed up.

Maybe I was wrong when I said my ex was a phony: she very well could have had genuine, strong feelings for me but it was obvious as time went on she had a complete inability to reciprocate, take responsibility and was on the maturity level of a toddler. She was incapable of admitting things are wrong so the only way she could mentally break from me was to paint me as the Devil.

The biggest red flag of all was the fact when she would stay over during the weekend I felt a huge sense of relief when I drove her home as she was downright exhausting to deal with. Love and marriage has its ups and down but should NEVER feel that way.



Mountain Goat
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 13 May 2019
Age: 47
Gender: Male
Posts: 4,183
Location: Wales, UK.

07 Oct 2019, 7:47 am

GiantHockeyFan wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
Don't get me wrong, I've liked some really lovely guys, they do exist, but they weren't into me.

It sucks when you're only appealing to dysfunctional people.

I need to work on a more positive vibe and draw more positive people to me (this may be nonsense and not how it works at all.) One of my friends told me that the general consensus is that I'm nice and likable and everyone has good things to say about me and I need to see myself the way that others see me.

One of my married male friends expressed surprise when he found out no one was interested in me.

Maybe I'm too nice and troubled souls are drawn too me because I make them feel better. They just don't know how to reciprocate in a mature way and though they genuinely do like me, don't have the skills to be good partners or are so damaged that they can't truly trust anyone or allow themselves to become too close to anyone.


Reverse the genders and this entire sentence could have been written by me in 2014. I did notice that the only people who seriously dated me had significant issues, far more than I have ever had in my life. One for example admitted being sexually abused repeatedly and that's why she moved here from Montreal. Dare I say it, even my wife recently admitted that she is a "loser magnet" before quickly backtracking a bit. It would probably have felt better being a dateless virgin than to believe the only women who would give me the time of day were all seriously messed up.

Maybe I was wrong when I said my ex was a phony: she very well could have had genuine, strong feelings for me but it was obvious as time went on she had a complete inability to reciprocate, take responsibility and was on the maturity level of a toddler. She was incapable of admitting things are wrong so the only way she could mentally break from me was to paint me as the Devil.

The biggest red flag of all was the fact when she would stay over during the weekend I felt a huge sense of relief when I drove her home as she was downright exhausting to deal with. Love and marriage has its ups and down but should NEVER feel that way.


Something you mentioned there about ones ex girlfriend being exhauting to be with struck a chord. I assume the right lady will not be exhausting to deal with.
For me the exhaustion was more mental... I mean. You know when you are dating a young lady but somehow in the back of your mind she is not the one for you... And you are trying to continue hoping to make things work out... Well. That to me is where the exhaustion really kicks in in a mental way.


_________________
Awaiting asessment. Neurodiverse 173/200. Neurotypical 21/200.
Empathy 11/80. AQ 39. May make sense to some. :)