My gf asked me to move in but I said no, is that bad?

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ironpony
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27 Oct 2019, 11:24 pm

She seemed really rejected when I turned her down on it. Don't get me wrong, we've dating for almost two years now and it's going pretty good.

My reason was is that rent in her place, even if split would cost more for me still, and I might be out of a job soon, but also spending a lot of money on producing a feature film. If the movie gets distribution, I will hopefully make money back but if not, I might be in the poor house after it's over, so I don't know if I can move in right now.

But she felt really rejected it seems now, that I have turned it down. Is there anything I should do, or how should I approach this?



CubsBullsBears
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27 Oct 2019, 11:38 pm

Your reasoning is very valid. Would you truly want to move in if/when you did have the $? If so, you should tell her that. Hopefully in the long run she'll understand your decision.



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28 Oct 2019, 6:18 am

Be honest with her and tell her your reservation about moving in with her is pragmatic and financially based rather than personal. She's undoubtedly taking it personally as anyone would.


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28 Oct 2019, 12:58 pm

Be honest, open up to her if you lose your job, you will get unemployed checks. Hope you tell her, you don’t want to lose her. Honestly is great for a relationship.


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quacksmacker666
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28 Oct 2019, 4:05 pm

Be honest about your financial worries and also keep in mind having chill out time by yourself in your own space is important. Moving in together complicates that



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29 Oct 2019, 12:02 pm

ironpony wrote:
She seemed really rejected when I turned her down on it. Don't get me wrong, we've dating for almost two years now and it's going pretty good.

My reason was is that rent in her place, even if split would cost more for me still, and I might be out of a job soon, but also spending a lot of money on producing a feature film. If the movie gets distribution, I will hopefully make money back but if not, I might be in the poor house after it's over, so I don't know if I can move in right now.

But she felt really rejected it seems now, that I have turned it down. Is there anything I should do, or how should I approach this?



Is your girlfriend an NT or aspie? You are taking a very logical and practical approach. Some women may think that going to any lengths to be together would be the most important objective. Emotional versus rational.
It is very hurtful in a romantic relationship when a man chooses logic over love. You probably care for her very much, but all she is hearing is that you put practicalites over love. Living together is a step towards permanency and maybe marriage. It is possible also that she thinks that this is just an excuse to not deepen the commitment, and that is what she wants, to know how commited you are to her.
If you want to, you could say something along the lines of not objecting but when you are financially more secure then you would love to live together. She wants to know if you are in it for the long haul I think.


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ironpony
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29 Oct 2019, 11:54 pm

Oh okay, yes I told her if I'm not broke by the time all this is over, then I can afford to move in with her. I love her as well, and told her that. But I thought we could have love and logic if possible? She is NT.



Brivae
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05 Nov 2019, 9:11 am

ironpony wrote:
She seemed really rejected when I turned her down on it. Don't get me wrong, we've dating for almost two years now and it's going pretty good.

My reason was is that rent in her place, even if split would cost more for me still, and I might be out of a job soon, but also spending a lot of money on producing a feature film. If the movie gets distribution, I will hopefully make money back but if not, I might be in the poor house after it's over, so I don't know if I can move in right now.

But she felt really rejected it seems now, that I have turned it down. Is there anything I should do, or how should I approach this?


I wonder if she is having any doubts running in her mind now. My guess would be to make her feel comfortable with your decision. You don’t have to tell her about your financial situation, but just let her know that you aren’t comfortable with that at the moment. If you would consider it for the future then think about it, and let her know, but also let her know that at the current moment you’re not okay with that.



The_Face_of_Boo
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07 Nov 2019, 10:14 am

Tell her you're broke.

if she goes gringy then ask her to move out.

Solved.



Teach51
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08 Nov 2019, 12:47 pm

Brivae wrote:
ironpony wrote:
She seemed really rejected when I turned her down on it. Don't get me wrong, we've dating for almost two years now and it's going pretty good.

My reason was is that rent in her place, even if split would cost more for me still, and I might be out of a job soon, but also spending a lot of money on producing a feature film. If the movie gets distribution, I will hopefully make money back but if not, I might be in the poor house after it's over, so I don't know if I can move in right now.

But she felt really rejected it seems now, that I have turned it down. Is there anything I should do, or how should I approach this?


I wonder if she is having any doubts running in her mind now. My guess would be to make her feel comfortable with your decision. You don’t have to tell her about your financial situation, but just let her know that you aren’t comfortable with that at the moment. If you would consider it for the future then think about it, and let her know, but also let her know that at the current moment you’re not okay with that.



Let's hope you can have love and logic, you are an aspie after all. She asked you to move in so she has no problem with you. I suggest reassuring her that when the time is right then you can take the next step and live together :)


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08 Nov 2019, 4:30 pm

I like to provide a different side than what has already been discussed. Totally agree with everyone who said you have to honest about your feelings and your reasoning, but there are more pieces I'm not seeing mentioned.

Here is my question: would you be replacing an existing roommate? If not, the total rent paid between the two of you at the moment is HIGHER than the total rent that would be paid between the two of you if you shared a place. That is the logic my brain jumped to immediately. It took me a minute to figure out how your logic was getting you to think you could not afford it. The difference is that I started from an assumption of the two of you as a single financial unit; you are starting from an assumption of the two of you as financially separate units. In serious relationships most people eventually migrate to thinking of all aspects of life in terms of what is best for the combined unit, not the individual elements.

If you would be replacing an existing roommate, then your logic works under both scenarios. I suggest being sensitive, however, to her side of that scenario, where she would be seeing a window of opportunity that will close as soon as she gets a new roommate to help her with the rent. With a new roommate she will an obligation (socially even if not contractually) to continue that arrangement for at least a year, and that means postponing the next step in your relationship for at least a year. If you both know being together is your future, you are probably also putting her in an awkward position while trying to find a new roommate, as she might have to hide the seriousness of your relationship from them or risk them not choosing to move in.


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09 Nov 2019, 6:35 am

Ohhhhhhh, you've done it now! I remember when I told my girlfriend she couldn't move in with me she got so mad at me that she gave me the silent treatment until I let her move in. She didn't want to pay rent either.

Tell your girlfriend that you would love to live with her but you're not paying rent. That way you'll be saving money. If she says no then she's the one rejecting you.


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