Not much to say but too much to think about.

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I guess I'll keep things brief since I can't honestly think of anything else to write here; I'm not inclined to complain about my situation nearly as much as I'm just stating things are difficult & I'm frequently left wondering how I'm functioning at all. My kind of autism means staying away from people when they want me around & people staying away from me when I want them around. There's no middle ground & I'm the last to know why, that's what the autism is about, as far as I know.

All I can do is to remain so deadly serious about my career as to completely forgo human interaction in my life. It's good when I'm not totally alone but I'm only just managing.

I'm not even sure I want to be close to people at all anymore. I've been kicked to the curb so frequently I'm more comfortable being gone. It took all my remaining energy to write anything here.

What prompts you to stay away from people when they want you?

I am glad you posted even though it was difficult for you.

In a word, people, myself included - I'm endlessly convinced I'm about to screw something up that I had no clue about. My attempts at a normal social life have mostly been met with hostility or shame. I'm thankful for the people who know me but that's not exactly enough for them.

I am too, nascent anxieties notwithstanding. I think the trouble for me is how difficult I find it to get back in touch with anyone when it's clear they're accepting of me as a person but not my HFA.

i can imagine it's only been intensified from the work environment.

the best (which isnt really doable, it either happens or it doesnt) is to have friends who sort of understand the issue from feeling the same way.

my 2 friends who i only really knew in gr 10 before basically keeping in touch via emails occasionally and coming to events like weddings, basically they are almost the same way, except very definitely not AsD.

rarely--several times a year-- they contact me, or i contact them.
for me i dont want to impose-- feel panic in the moment of actually about to meet them or talk to them.

often try to delay or get out of it. but when i do end up interacting in a positive way, it's worth it. but my brain doesnt retain good memories (give it as much importance) as the bad times with other people, the failures or bad feelings.

idk how this human need can ever be fulfilled unless the Non asd people learn more about Asd and the person, and are willing to adjust and not be hostile to you and be more gracious and sort of include u more even if u initially have to tell them clearly.

I bet you've adjusted tons, not just around the current people in your life, but across your life-- to an extent they probably don't know is possible.

that you feel shame and fear about the whole thing is not right, that shows the reluctance on their part, not yours, when u ventured to socialize.


sometimes i find verbalizing the issue (thinking about it ,facing it completely and then writing about it) online, actually becomes the start of the solution. after getting feedback or supportive words from others.


idk why. but for example a few days ago i ranted about a problem (ASD kid not being given recess) on one of the threads here, as well as on my facebook.

some ppl on both forums wrote, just sympathy or suggestions to fix the problem, brainstorming with me, in a way.

that gave me the courage and energy to try and ask again in a better way , that it was clear and mentioned the important points.

well, today, the problem was solved, the school agreed to my request (to give the child recess), all is well with that!
things like that often happen,
so i am guessing that reading other people's words gives one a framework -- confidence in one's stance--and then the solution comes about somehow.

Since Non Asd people automatically seem to know how to get their needs met, exactly how to approach things, and also have a life of having friends so they get confidence/experience from that, they wouldnt need to go online for that framework and to gain confidence in socializing/communicating.

maybe when you get other people's feedback and supportive words on this topic,
it may 'shift' things for you, or boost you, or give you ideas to approach it differently.

so that what wasn't working before, suddenly works out for you. i mean, i hope that happens. i dont know whether that was conveyed properly, im sorry if it wasnt.

Well fear is pointless anyway, so I'm trying to leave anxieties & personal reservations out of my considerations about good friends of mine. Lately I gradually realized that my defensive nature is relatively blameless in my present situation but it's still a problem for us.

I was forbidden from taking vacation days during a software release testing schedule - never mind I told my boss I could work more efficiently if I ever had a chance to rest. The only thing I truly don't like about the guy who hired me was his mentioning my ASD as being imperceptible when I got my job. Now I'm near the end of an 18 month internship, it could get extended, I could get 2 years of IT work or I could be kicked to the curb despite helping with two high dollar engineering software releases complete with millions of dollars in licenses & more in hardware sales.

f**k money. I just want to hug my friends & my cat, I know I can find my cat but I usually can't find my friends. I live in a totally different universe as far as they're concerned.

Between "normal social life" and not being there when someone needs you... maybe there are some other options?
Love for your cat!

How can someone accept you for who you are but not the ASD?

My cat has just curled up beside me and is purring. I'm glad you have a cat.

(((cberg)))

Well that wasn't as much an accusation as an observation. What they know to be difficult for me may often be too difficult for them, again, I'm not the guy to ask about that & I suppose I'd look pretty ridiculous if I did ask.

I guess I've done a fair bit to make myself at least somewhat more available but I'm not sure what those options would consist of today. I guess that's why I posted this thread, though as usual my thread is not the most objective.

You seem alright. I'm not really sure what to add to here.

To be fair I'm not sure what kind of answers I'm looking until I've done a better job of outlining my questions. For that matter, I'm not sure if I'm more curious about the thoughts of other ASD folks or NTs about this.

I'm great at acting alright, though I must admit my perception of what 'alright' even means must be slipping. As loners go, I'm doing pretty well for myself but that's just it, me myself & I...

Sooner or later I guess this has to resolve itself somehow, my isolation habits aren't sustainable & it all boils down to agoraphobic nonsense on my part, although I'm in the dark about the NT side of things.

Something I will say is I appreciate you here. I may or may not be on the same wavelength. It depends what you write and what angle of view you are looking at things from, but regardless on your take in life, I still respect and appreciate you.

Hello

Relating to your intense work Focus. I remember when I performed (demanding schedule) I couldn't imagine doing anything else, but when I wasn't performing I couldn't imagine having done it.