Statistics that makes me enraged

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QFT
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02 Dec 2019, 12:19 pm

So I saw the stats of dating turn offs, https://www.thesun.co.uk/archives/news/ ... new-study/
and the NUMBER ONE turn off is "desheaveled or unclean". Well, I am disheaveled. My hair is natrually messy, I forget to shave, and I forget to tuck in my shirt or tie my shoes. So THATS WHY women weren't approaching me?! But it is totally unfair: I didn't even know about it until few years ago! So what am I supposed to do to turn back time and get back all those years I was walking around disheaveled?! I threw away best years of my life!! !! !

That, plus also this criteria is super unfair. They judge the person from the outside before they ever get a chance to get them to know as a person! Like what happens if I brush my hair, do I magically change my internal qualities?! Hell no!! ! So why judge me by this? Think about it: EVERYONE is disheaveled when they got up from bed. So are they a horrible person every time they wake up and then suddenly become a great person the moment they brush my hair? Do they REALLY think that?!

And, last but not least, my hair is naturally that way. I mean I even asked a hair dresser a few years ago what am I supposed to do, and they suggested a hair gel. But that gel felt like a glue, I can't imagine it being healthy for my hair. If I am already losing my hair I am sure I will lose even more hair if I will use that glue. So I don't. But I doubt others use it. I mean if I look at other people's hair it doesn't look GLUED to their head, does it? They are just lucky enough that it is naturally straight while my hair isn't. Yet I am being judged based off of this.



Twilightprincess
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02 Dec 2019, 12:24 pm

Would you be attracted to a woman who was disheveled and smelled bad if you knew nothing else about her?

I don’t mind disheveled but body odor would be a huge turn-off.

Before someone actually gets to know you, all she has to go by is appearances. That’s just how it works. One thinks that if someone is “put together” he or she might likely be put together in other aspects. It’d be a different story if we could read minds. Then again, I’d still be turned off by BO...

Why is this unfair? We all tend to have equal opportunities when it comes to bathing and wearing presentable clothes (clean, matching, no holes, etc.). I do fairly well even with primarily shopping at thrift stores.

If you have trouble remembering, you could set reminders in your phone or use post-it notes.



QFT
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02 Dec 2019, 12:29 pm

Twilightprincess wrote:
Would you be attracted to a woman who was disheveled and smelled bad if you knew nothing else about her?

I don’t mind disheveled but body odor would be a huge turn-off.

Before someone actually gets to know you, all she has to go by is appearances. That’s just how it works. One thinks that if someone is “put together” he or she might likely be put together in other aspects. It’d be a different story if we could read minds. Then again, I’d still be turned off by BO...


As far as body odor I fixed it around 5 years ago: that was when I realized showers are important. But I still haven't fixed other aspects -- such as messy hair and not shaving.

This, however, doesn't change the fact that body odor was the reason I was turning women off UP UNTIL 5 years ago. Right now I am 39, so 5 years ago was when I was 34. So body odor, too, costed me the best years of my life.

But in any case, even though I am taking showers as of now, women are still not approaching me. I guess its either because of my hair and/or my age. So in the past I had two things going against me -- body odor and hair -- and right now I again have two things going against me -- hair and age.

Twilightprincess wrote:
Why is this unfair? We all tend to have equal opportunities when it comes to bathing and wearing presentable clothes (clean, matching, no holes, etc.).


No we don't:

1. Due to Asperger I am unaware of those things:

a) Up until recently I didn't think of them altogether
b) Even now that I think of them, I really can't tell what the style is
c) Even when I figure this all out, I wouldn't be able to change the past.

2. My hair structure is different than most people so its not natrually straight the way other people's is, it naturally curls around and stands and stuff like that.



Twilightprincess
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02 Dec 2019, 12:34 pm

QFT wrote:
Twilightprincess wrote:
Would you be attracted to a woman who was disheveled and smelled bad if you knew nothing else about her?

I don’t mind disheveled but body odor would be a huge turn-off.

Before someone actually gets to know you, all she has to go by is appearances. That’s just how it works. One thinks that if someone is “put together” he or she might likely be put together in other aspects. It’d be a different story if we could read minds. Then again, I’d still be turned off by BO...


As far as body odor I fixed it around 5 years ago: that was when I realized showers are important. But I still haven't fixed other aspects -- such as messy hair and not shaving.

This, however, doesn't change the fact that body odor was the reason I was turning women off UP UNTIL 5 years ago. Right now I am 39, so 5 years ago was when I was 34. So body odor, too, costed me the best years of my life.

But in any case, even though I am taking showers as of now, women are still not approaching me. I guess its either because of my hair and/or my age. So in the past I had two things going against me -- body odor and hair -- and right now I again have two things going against me -- hair and age.


How did you not know that BO would be a turn-off? I’m genuinely curious because one can’t watch TV ads for 5 minutes without hearing about several personal hygiene products.

Anyway, you can’t worry about past things that you can’t change. You need to take your newfound wisdom to increase your future chances.

You probably should try approaching women instead. If what you’re currently doing isn’t working, try something else.

After all, insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.



Twilightprincess
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02 Dec 2019, 12:37 pm

^ Even people with curly hair can find love. Imagine that!

Approach styling yourself from an academic perspective. Start by observing what others of your age group are wearing and doing with their hair and go from there.

People on the spectrum can be presentable.



QFT
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02 Dec 2019, 12:39 pm

Twilightprincess wrote:
How did you not know that BO would be a turn-off? I’m genuinely curious because one can’t watch TV ads for 5 minutes without hearing about several personal hygiene products.


Well, I don't watch TV. I don't even have TV in my house. And its true I don't know what most people know. Like 5 years ago someone mentioned that Michael Jackson was a paedofile, and I didn't even know who he was. Only after that conversation I learned he was a singler.

Twilightprincess wrote:
Anyway, you can’t worry about past things that you can’t change. You need to take your newfound wisdom to increase your future chances.


I will be 40 a week from today. I am still single. Still at school instead of a professor like I wanted to be. So what am I supposed to do?!

Twilightprincess wrote:
You probably should try approaching women instead.


I don't want to. The whole entire reason I am given advice to approach women myself is because I am unattractive. But I want to feel attractive for once. So I want them to approach me.



QFT
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02 Dec 2019, 12:41 pm

Twilightprincess wrote:
^ Even people with curly hair can find love. Imagine that!


Well, its not *just* that it is curly, but it also stands up. So I guess in order for it not to stand up I have to cut it real short. But I don't like having a short hair.



Twilightprincess
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02 Dec 2019, 12:44 pm

QFT wrote:
Twilightprincess wrote:
How did you not know that BO would be a turn-off? I’m genuinely curious because one can’t watch TV ads for 5 minutes without hearing about several personal hygiene products.


Well, I don't watch TV. I don't even have TV in my house. And its true I don't know what most people know. Like 5 years ago someone mentioned that Michael Jackson was a paedofile, and I didn't even know who he was. Only after that conversation I learned he was a singler.

Twilightprincess wrote:
Anyway, you can’t worry about past things that you can’t change. You need to take your newfound wisdom to increase your future chances.


I will be 40 a week from today. I am still single. Still at school instead of a professor like I wanted to be. So what am I supposed to do?!

Twilightprincess wrote:
You probably should try approaching women instead.


I don't want to. The whole entire reason I am given advice to approach women myself is because I am unattractive. But I want to feel attractive for once. So I want them to approach me.


If you don’t want to put forth effort, you should learn how to enjoy remaining single. You won’t have what it takes to maintain a relationship even if you happen to get one.

Relationships involve effort in which each person is willing to make compromises for the other person and for the relationship as a whole.



Twilightprincess
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02 Dec 2019, 12:46 pm

QFT wrote:
Twilightprincess wrote:
^ Even people with curly hair can find love. Imagine that!


Well, its not *just* that it is curly, but it also stands up. So I guess in order for it not to stand up I have to cut it real short. But I don't like having a short hair.


It could either be really short or just long enough so it doesn’t stand up. Some guys with such hair use a little bit of product in it to keep it from getting too crazy. Too much product will make it look greasy.



QFT
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02 Dec 2019, 12:47 pm

Twilightprincess wrote:
If you don’t want to put forth effort, you should learn how to enjoy remaining single. You won’t have what it takes to maintain a relationship even if you happen to get one.

Relationships involve effort in which each person is willing to make compromises for the other person and for the relationship as a whole.


Just for the record, I had three long term relationships in the past -- one lasted a year and the other two lasted two years each. So why are you saying I won't be able to maintain a relationship *just* based on what I say about how I handle the first moves? Thats the other thing I find unfair that people look at one thing and make conclusions about lots of other things. I didn't have problem initiating conversations in the aforementioned three relationships. When I say I want the woman to make the first move I am only talking about the time when we are both strangers.



Twilightprincess
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02 Dec 2019, 12:52 pm

QFT wrote:
Twilightprincess wrote:
If you don’t want to put forth effort, you should learn how to enjoy remaining single. You won’t have what it takes to maintain a relationship even if you happen to get one.

Relationships involve effort in which each person is willing to make compromises for the other person and for the relationship as a whole.


Just for the record, I had three long term relationships in the past -- one lasted a year and the other two lasted two years each. So why are you saying I won't be able to maintain a relationship *just* based on what I say about how I handle the first moves? Thats the other thing I find unfair that people look at one thing and make conclusions about lots of other things. I didn't have problem initiating conversations in the aforementioned three relationships. When I say I want the woman to make the first move I am only talking about the time when we are both strangers.


If I wanted a relationship really bad as you seem to, I would do something about it instead of expecting someone else to make the first move. You could be missing out on opportunities. Why should women approach you when you won’t approach them? Those potential women aren’t complaining on here. If they were, I’d give them similar advice.

It’s just really, really odd in my mind...

You’ve talked about having years “wasted” and you’re “enraged” at the study you reference. Being angry and waiting around for something that might not happen is unproductive to say the least.

Perhaps you just want to vent instead of receive constructive criticism. It’s not logical.



Twilightprincess
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02 Dec 2019, 12:58 pm

Once again, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.



QFT
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02 Dec 2019, 1:00 pm

Twilightprincess wrote:
QFT wrote:
Twilightprincess wrote:
If you don’t want to put forth effort, you should learn how to enjoy remaining single. You won’t have what it takes to maintain a relationship even if you happen to get one.

Relationships involve effort in which each person is willing to make compromises for the other person and for the relationship as a whole.


Just for the record, I had three long term relationships in the past -- one lasted a year and the other two lasted two years each. So why are you saying I won't be able to maintain a relationship *just* based on what I say about how I handle the first moves? Thats the other thing I find unfair that people look at one thing and make conclusions about lots of other things. I didn't have problem initiating conversations in the aforementioned three relationships. When I say I want the woman to make the first move I am only talking about the time when we are both strangers.


If I wanted a relationship really bad as you seem to, I would do something about it instead of expecting someone else to make the first move. You could be missing out on opportunities. Why should women approach you when you won’t approach them?

It’s just really, really odd in my mind...

You’ve talked about having years “wasted” and you’re “enraged” at the study you reference. Being angry and waiting around for something that might not happen is unproductive to say the least.

Perhaps you just want to vent instead of receive constructive criticism. It’s not logical.


Okay here is the logic behind it. Suppose someone were to tell me "here is a 60 year old woman who wants to date you why don't you date her" and I say "no its too old" and that person says "but I thought you were desperate for a relationship, why don't you take that opportunity". You see my point? Even though yes, I am desperate, I still have some preferences and some boundaries. So basically wanting a woman to be the one to approach me is one of those boundaries. I have other boundaries too: like for example if a woman points out to me that I can't seem to get a job as a physics professor any time soon and asks me to get some non-academic job so that I can bring money -- I wouldn't agree with this either. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't agree to do other things she asks me to do. Like if she tells me to fix my appearance and tells me the steps she wants me to go through so that I can fix it -- I would totally do it -- but the problem is that women aren't willing to do it, they just avoid me. Likewise, if she tells me to stop talking about my ex-s (thats the other way I turn women off) I will do that too -- but instead of telling me to stop talking about ex-s they just end things based off of my talking about ex-s and when I tell them I will change they don't listen. Anyway the point is that I can change some things but not other things. Thats, in itself, isn't unusual; the unusual is "which" things fall into which category in my case.



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02 Dec 2019, 1:11 pm

That’s fine. Keep on doing what you’re doing and see how it goes.

Refusing to date someone who asks you is different from refusing to ask someone to date you. The first is passive; the second is active.

Sometimes we have to go outside our comfort zones to achieve what we want to. That’s just how life is. You need to reconsider and perhaps stretch your boundaries.



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02 Dec 2019, 2:41 pm

QFT wrote:
... Well, I am disheveled. My hair is naturally messy, I forget to shave, and I forget to tuck in my shirt or tie my shoes. So THAT'S WHY women weren't approaching me?! But it is totally unfair: I didn't even know about it until few years ago! So what am I supposed to do to turn back time and get back all those years I was walking around disheveled?! I threw away best years of my life!!
Does this mean that you will do nothing now to improve your chances for the future?
QFT wrote:
That, plus also this criteria is super unfair. They judge the person from the outside before they ever get a chance to get them to know as a person! Like what happens if I brush my hair, do I magically change my internal qualities?! Hell no!! ! So why judge me by this? Think about it: EVERYONE is disheveled when they got up from bed. So are they a horrible person every time they wake up and then suddenly become a great person the moment they brush my hair? Do they REALLY think that?!
Not really; but what they will think when they see a disheveled slob is that he either has no pride in his appearance, that he has no concern for his appearance, or that he thinks his appearance is perfectly acceptable.
QFT wrote:
And, last but not least, my hair is naturally that way. I mean I even asked a hair dresser a few years ago what am I supposed to do, and they suggested a hair gel. But that gel felt like a glue, I can't imagine it being healthy for my hair. If I am already losing my hair I am sure I will lose even more hair if I will use that glue. So I don't. But I doubt others use it. I mean if I look at other people's hair it doesn't look GLUED to their head, does it? They are just lucky enough that it is naturally straight while my hair isn't. Yet I am being judged based off of this.
Be thankful you still have hair! My hair and I parted ways year ago.

So you can do nothing about your hair -- no big deal. I see men with wild hair and girlfriends/wives all the time. Of course, they also wear nice clothes, keep their faces shaved, and generally present themselves in a way that sets them apart from street people.

And yeah, it isn't fair that people judge others by their appearance. It really sucks. But what are we gonna do, legislate a new set of laws that require attractive people to date disheveled slobs? It's easier to just "cool up" where you can and laugh about the rest.


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