Regressing, Forgetting, Ranting, and Laziness

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This is just something I need to get off my chest.
I find myself thinking back to my days in college and wondering how the hell did I get through that again? I remember working in groups, talking to teachers, I even started to use email for communication a bit (Couldn't bring myself to start using texts or phone, led to me ignoring a few texts sent by fellow students since I didn't check my phone regularly) I also went outside, went shopping, lived with roommates (didn't socialize too much though), and now that college is over I can barely get myself to leave my house(or my room). I even stutter and pause quite a bit when I'm on the phone talking to recruiters and potential employers. Which isn't good.
It's weird that I could just forget how to pretend to be social so quickly. Maybe I'm just stressed that I'm no longer in education, but it's already been over half a year since I left school, I expected to adjust to the changes by now. Instead, I'm regressing.
Thing is, I know what I need to do, go outside, be social, go to some social functions. But you know what, I don't want to, like I really don't want to. Back in college I had to and I made do, but its an entirely different story for me to start my own socializing, hell I don't even celebrate my own birthday. The only socializing I can bring myself to do is to post on these forums, where I know there are people like me. That's pretty much the only thing that's better nowadays, knowing I'm not alone, used to be I went to bed some days, cursing the world, raging about how no one understands, envying how lucky other people are, hating myself and my afflictions, sometimes contemplating suicide, certain I'd die alone and unsuccessful. I've long since got over that, but if I had found this forum years ago, maybe I'd have never had those kinds of thoughts.

To anyone else who's having a tough time. Remember you're not alone, we're brothers and sisters in suffering.

I look back and I used to be able to do so much. For me it is only the last 15 years that have hit me and things got worse from there so I reached te stage where working just a few hours a week was too much. I was burnt out.
What I never knew until this year and joining this site, is I have autistic traits, though about three years ago I became a little puzzled.
For me, I had spent nearly all my life trying to find out what was happening to me in a medical way. Turns out they are shutdowns, but it has taken me most of my life to realize what they are. Ok, I knew that something was happening but I did not know how to describe them in a way that doctors or others could understand, and also, not knowing what they were called, I never knew how or rather what to say. About three years ago, after quite a few occasions (And prayer) where people were telling me or asking me if I had Aspergers or Autism, and I thought that they were having me on... I somehow deep within saw a connection between autistic meltdowns and what I was experiencing... But they were not the same. Very few people apart from those who know that they are on the spectrum have heard of shutdowns, yet they are said to be just as common as meltdowns.
I had heard of meltdowns and I just knew there was a connection. I could not tell you what the connection was though as I did not know I had autistic traits. I just thought that I was a bit different.
It was a huge eye opener to discover some autistic traits I had. I was gobsmacked!

And most of my life I was masking. I knew I masked as I often caught myself doing it and always throughout my life was thinking "If only they knew the real me!" but being too scared to unmask because if they knew the real me I would become a social target to pick on. It is like I am magnetic to bullies? I don't know! Haha! (Not quite but it felt that way).

But it has answered so many questions for me. I am now on the waiting list to be assessed.

Good luck to you Mountain Goat, I have not had a meltdown or shutdown yet, thankfully and hopefully not in the future. But it might happen to me if I wear the mask too long. I just wish I could be honest too, but this society seems to hate honesty, even though it's praised as a virtue. Anyways, I hope you get properly diagnosed and that gets you some help, God knows we all need a little help.

I am 47 and it was only since a few days or weeks after joining this site that has just been that I have found out what they are.
When I was very young I believe I had regular meltdowns. As a toddler my Mum had the doctor out as I would get such a sudden rage that I would stop breathing and go blue. I could not take a breath. I can't remember how my Mum or Dad were able to get me breathing again or if I eventually took a breath.
Talking about that, sometimes in my sleep, or even when I am awake, I will suddenly realize that I am not breathing and then have panic and take a breath. Someone said it could be sleep apnia, but what is it called if this happens when I'm awake? Who knows! Is one of the funny things in life I guess. It normally happens when I am awake when I get soo focussed on what ever it is that I am doing that I have just forgotten to breathe and only realize when my body starts to panic and needs to draw a breath!

You mentioned about masking. In a way I still mask to some extent. I used to mask on top of mask. Automatic masking and manual masking on top.

When I hit burnout after burnout, I became rather fragile and that was when the masking started to break down.

I find those who are on the autistic spectrum who don't have meltdowns or shutdowns fascinating. I am not 100% sure if I am on the spectrum myself or if I just have traits. I am not what you call an obviously autistic person as with me, if I am on the spectrum it is more hidden... But my character is not one that tends to fit in with the crowds. For example, if there is a big event and seemingly everyoe is eading to that event, I will be heading the other way to avoid it, even if I will miss out on something major! I am very much an individual.

I have something similar happen to me sometimes when my body is tired but my mind is too active, I think I fall asleep with my eyes open and my mind active, I cannot breathe, I can feel my heart slowing down and I panic, I struggle to move my limbs, and take a breath before I suffocate. Though I looked online and I thought it was simply sleep paralysis.
Luckily I think I only have had tantrums and no meltdowns, the closest experience I can relate to is a movie (I forget the title) about an autistic person, their parents had divorced and he could not understand why his mom was leaving, so he started breaking things and lashing out. Then again it's just a movie and I'm unsure of the accuracy of the movie in relating autistic struggles. Now I never got that bad, but I guess I did cry and did yell and lash out a bit, but I always thought that was just a normal tantrum.

Now that I research about meltdowns, I do have a lot of signs of pre-meltdowns, I pace a lot, rock back and forth, ask repetitive questions, I don't become very still though, but I don't think I've been pushed over the edge (I give all the credit to my dog, Abby, if she was not by my side I'm sure I'd have melted down or gone into severe depression during high school or college.)