I'm not fit to be in public

Post Reply New Topic

I am a f*****g screwed up s**t, I'm ret*d, I shouldn't go out in public so from now on I'm not going out into the nasty, judgemental world. Well, it's me who's the f****d up idiot, not them. Maybe I should just do everyone and their precious little kids a favour and go and kill myself. I hate myself. I f*****g HATE myself.

Is your boyfriend around to talk with? I'm sorry you're feeling down, Joe90. It's after midnight here in the U.S. so you might not get a lot of responses until tomorrow. Hang in there! You're a strong and resilient person.

what happened?

PM if you need a friend, Joe.

What brought this on? Take a bit of a break from the madding crowds until you feel better. You're not an idiot and no one has the right to judge you. However, I understand as I've also suffered from strong emotions which fortunately never last long.

Sleep or doing something you really like such as listening to favourite music may help you feel a little better. We can't do as much at as we'd like at a distance but are here for you.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I have moments of feeling pathetic myself and ball my eyes out whenever someones does/says something that hurts my self esteem.

Remember that not all people are like that, and please, please pleeeeeease know that if you were to commit suicide, your pain will be transferred to the people in your life who care about you, because there are obviously plently of people who do, aside from the scumbags who are putting you down. Look up the suicide prevention lifeline number in the UK if you need to.

Thanks for the supportive posts guys.

I won't commit suicide, but if I wasn't on Sertraline right now I think I would have physically hit and punched myself.

My boyfriend had one too many drinks last night, and he started telling me a few cringing things about myself, and I wasn't sure if it was the drink talking or if he was being honest with me.
He said that ages ago in a supermarket I was muttering something under my breath about someone's loud kids, and apparently the mother heard and said "that's what kids do" then she apparently turned to him (my boyfriend) and said, "how do you put up with her?"
Hearing him tell me this sent me into a huge self-loathing panic, because (if it is true) I thought I was better than that, I believed in myself and thought I had more self-control. But that woman must have saw me as a bad person to say something like that to my boyfriend - if it is true, that is.
I didn't hear her say it, and I hear everything so surely I would have heard her say that to him, but he said I was "oblivious". But I am never oblivious, I can pick up on everything people display, like presence, movement, moods and noise, and if I had shown myself up that much I know I would remember it.

So I'm trying to trust my memory, but my self-esteem has hit rock bottom at the moment and I feel really angry with myself. I've come a long way to what I used to be like in public when I was younger, and I thought I had grown out of showing myself up like I did when I was 13.

I'm just hoping to God that he was getting things mixed up and not making sense because of being drunk. He's asleep now and when he's awake I want to ask him if that supermarket incident really happened.

But I had a huge panic attack and he was too drunk to notice how upset I was. At the moment I feel very socially anxious and I do not want to go out today in case I will unconsciously embarrass myself and look like a bad person. I need closure on this, and if it is true what he said then I will never trust myself again and I will become agoraphobic, because I have social anxiety anyway.

I don't think you should even mention it when he's sober. Years ago when I used to get drunk, I used to light up a cigarette - something I never did when sober. It alters perceptions.

Celebrate how far you've progressed and don't beat yourself up over tiny incidents because we've all done and said things that reflected poor judgment.

I agree with Enviro, Joe90. Please don't be hard on yourself about this. If it did happen, maybe you were looking at something apart from your boyfriend and didn't hear the woman talk to him. Yes, little kids can be loud, but it's also a mother's/father's job to teach kids there are appropriate places to be loud and inappropriate places to be loud ("inside voices"). Rather than you being out of line by muttering something, perhaps the mother was out of line by just letting her kids yell inside a store and passing it off as "I let me kids do anything they want. How dare anyone question it."

Honestly, this world is so NT and so unfriendly to people with light, sound and smell sensitivities that I feel perfectly justified in being visibly irritated by such things when they're way over the top.

You are fit to be out in public.

You are a human being.

Just try to be more careful in public—not for the other peoples’ sake, but for your own sake.

I’m fit to be in public even if I howl in the street.

After I calmed down from the panic attack, I thought it over and I remember muttering "bloody kids!" to my boyfriend one time in the supermarket, not loud enough to show myself up but loud enough for the parent to hear, because I wanted them to know how annoying their kid was being. I said it passively, but some people take it personally. I was fully aware of what I was saying but sometimes I can't help myself. This kid was being loud, naughty and silly, and I have misophonia when it comes to loud kids.
I asked my boyfriend if they asked him how he puts up with me, because I don't think a stranger in charge of kids would just ask something like that to another stranger because of a minor and harmless remark, but he said that someone else asked that in a jokingly way, in the same supermarket, when I was having one of my ADHD moments (absent-minded and humorous). That isn't so bad, as I find joking a form of admiration or friendliness. I hope that was what really happened. I don't want to keep harping on about it with him, but I do need to know precisely what happened so I can move on.

Ever since I was about 18 months old or so, my mum has always taught me to be quiet in places like supermarkets, because she was afraid of me annoying other people. I think a child as young as 2 can be taught where it is appropriate to play and run around, and where it is not. Yes I know all 2-year-olds have tantrums that can't be helped, but I can't help feeling angry and anxious at the sound of a bawling toddler.
I don't care if people say "it's what kids do", it still doesn't stop me feeling annoyed with their din, especially if the parents are the type that let their kids get away with murder.

I only panicked because I didn't like the thought of me doing things I'm unaware of, as that would just be another problem that's taken me nearly 30 years to recognise, and I know that I do not lack that social awareness. I have social anxiety, I am hyperaware and hypersensitive to everyone around me, and I irrationally think I'm in the spotlight all the time, so I don't think it is possible for someone with this mindset to be unaware of what they are doing, unless you have schizophrenia, which I don't have.

Joe ... don't let this send you backwards. You ARE worth so much more than "one possible incident, which may never have happened at any rate". So sorry that you've had a panic attack over it .... ((((((hugs))))))). The very fact that you feel this bad about even the thought of it, shows clearly that you're a lovely, worthwhile person. Sometimes, there are things we say or events that may or may not have happened that can have a huge impact on us, that we wish we could erase from all memory. I hope that as the weekend goes on, as time passes, you get back to being YOU ... Keep busy .... do what you love, and try to get your head in a better space .... you deserve to be happier and to feel more secure than this...xx

There were some kids running around in Lidles screeching the other day. My mum said to me, quite loudly "people think that they can just let their kids run around". Later on, in the carpark there was a mum loading her car up with shopping and a tiny little baby in a pram without a hat on, my mum said "ooh, that baby should have a hat on", loud enough for the mum to hear. The funny thing is I was thinking the same thing on both occasions. My Aspergers makes me a tiny bit impatient with people who are blocking the aisles and exits to chat, my "excuse me" is a bit terse.

It doesn't sound like you did anything too awful, and that mother was quite rude herself to make a remark like that. No one can be perfect all the time.

Thank you for your explanation, Joe90. I fully understand why this upset you and happy it's sorted. I'm so glad you're feeling better and can move on now. Your boyfriend is lucky to have someone as thoughtful and caring as you are. A supermarket isn't a good environment for kids to run around, noisy and out of control. I'm sure the managers / staff don't like bratty toddler behaviour either but can't say anything because they can't upset their customers.

Children should be seen, not heard. (And parents should do their job, not excuse their little monsters.)

Sounds to me like you're more fit to be in public than some peoples' kids. I'd have said the same thing, actually, and probably would have had something to say to the mother too after her "comment." But then again I am a writer so words are stock-in-trade for me, and I'm also a rough, tough South Carolinian who doesn't put up with stupid.

You seem like you're a lot more polite than I, so carry on. We're glad you're on the Forum...and I'm sure your boyfriend is glad to have you near too.