I've been on this forum for two hours and I've pretty much just been sitting and rocking. I constantly rock, and I spend most days just rocking, pacing, and flapping. I have so many short story ideas that I could write out but they just sit around in my head. Mom has to deal with my constantly repetitive music whenever she's around and I'm not able to tolerate being in the same room as her when she's watching a movie (too loud, can't even eat when it's loud, sometimes have to cover my eyes when it's so loud).
I don't understand this forum. There are too many subforums. There are too many posts and too much everything. There are posts here about real issues and serious tragedy, so I'm confused as to whether this post belongs here - as despite the issues here, I'm overjoyed not to be in their position. It's not like I actually have issues with Mom for example.
I'm confused by a lot of thing. I think I'm here because of a series of emotional thoughts I had while pacing tonight, I made a new year's resolution (same as last year) to get into dating, but I thought about childhood again and I realized that being on the spectrum might cause problems with finding a boyfriend, not having a bad date, actually saying no in the field if he just wants to use me. I probably came here for advice on the subject. I also still feel ashamed of being gay for some reason, but I don't know why. Most of my thoughts on the subject are me lost in metaphorical daydreams while stimming. Occasionally imaginary conversations with a homophobic cousin who IRL probably doesn't remember my name - and he's the bad guy so whatever. I don't even know that I know that I'm able to have sexual intercourse with some future boyfriend. All of this is on the wrong subforum. All belongs maybe in general discussion or maybe LBGT forum or adult discussion forum. So many questions.
If I were to ask a question about gay dating, which forum does that belong in, LGBT discussion or love and dating? See, now this disorganized vomit of sentences and questions belongs in the site help forum. The skull emote is making me uneasy.
I've been crying a lot these past couple weeks. I've been jobless since early November, which compared to many on the spectrum isn't that long ago. This is another, uhh, I forgot what this sentence was going to be. But the point is I'm more disorganized than ever and overwhelmed by nothing. There is a time limit to my job search and when it expires I'm back to the disability office which I don't want.
Anyway, I'll probably ask some of the questions here in a more organized fashion when I'm more organized. But I've never been organized. I've come to the realization that I'm not able to keep track of anything. I might think about doing something simple like create a post then stim and either forget about it or take really long to do it.
I briefly forgot the main point of this post, there is none. Am I looking for sympathy with this? I guess so? Or maybe I'm just doing this to complain? To vent for it's own sake? Perhaps just for something to do before going back into my bed.
I believe that I'll submit this instead of deleting it just because doing something seems to be the right course of action at this time period. It's irrational though, this isn't a good impression and this is a time in my life much better than January 2019. But it isn't? What are the good old days I'm trying to return to? The bright future I'm trying to work towards, is it a fantasy? I'm so stuck in the past.
And I'm very, very, confused? At least I think confused. Not going to question that or type anymore need to end this click submit please.
04 Jan 2020, 10:20 am
